Archive for Wampa

The Day After

Posted in Food, Herman IQ 074, Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2011 by Bob

I AM ALIVE! I fared pretty well after last night. I am happy to report that I am NOT hung over. I am a little tired but I was able to clean up some of the stuff left from last night. The half full drink cups didn’t affect me. Jackie is out picking up Tori so I cleaned a little, vacuumed, and decided to get the blog out of the way for today since I think I will be going to bed VERY early tonight.

It was a successful party and I am so glad that so many were able to make it out and have fun. Too bad is was still humid and mosquito filled so we couldn’t hang outside but that’s ok. Next year we will have it earlier in the summer again when it is nicer out.

I still have some cleaning to do today but I think that … wow … whoa … why am I feeling dizz … everything is blurry …

Hello earth dwellers. Herman here. It seems my hairless Wampa engaged in a ritual celebration last night called a “fiesta”. Based on the video communications device I am forced to watch all day, I thought a fiesta was a mode of transportation for the females of this planet. (which by the way, there are far too many females in this galaxy. Before I was abandoned here I had only known of 2 others.)

I will have to admit that it seemed that it was a good time. I did partake a little myself and had what is I believe called, an upsidedown margarita.

 

Until the next time I deem you worthy of my communicae … Don’t step in Bantha fodder.

Herman IQ 074 signing off

You Gotta Know When To Fold ‘Em

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2011 by Bob

 

Greetings DNA impaired dwellers of Earth. It is I, Herman. My hairless Wampa apparently couldn’t handle even a shortened work week and passed out after he had too much iced tea to drink. It just goes to show the benefits of superior cloning technology. Since he was indisposed, and he put the example of inefficient reproduction into it’s nightly hibernation cycle, I decided that I would try my hand at an Earth custom you people call poker. Unfortunately I, along with my Imperial brethren had no idea how to play this game, I had to invite a rebel scum that I have dealt with, unsuccessfully I might add, to teach us this game.

The night started off well enough.

 

I was told this is a good hand

 

Soon enough the rebel scum showed his true colors and we were thinking we had been duped.

 

Something isn't quite right

 

It was clear that we were being taken advantage of. THIS movie was not going to end the same way.

 

Get him boys!

 

In the end, we “won” enough earth money to get our armor polished.

 

NEVER try to cheat the Empire

 

 

 

Don’t Believe Everything You Read

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2011 by Bob

Hello Earth dwellers. It is I, Herman IQ 074. I have been laying low as of late while working on my own individual plans to take over the world. I have been occasionally reading my hairless Wampa’s communiqués and am disturbed by his latest posting.

Aliens are not, I repeat NOT, coming to take over the planet. At least not as he has portrayed them. I can also assure you that the human population of this planet are not going to be used as food. That would be an incredible waste of slave labor.

I can tell you that the rash of large deaths of animals from your world has been the result of aliens. ME! I have been doing small scale tests on new weaponry. That is all I am at liberty to say. I can tell you however, that my new weapon is almost complete and that once I receive official word from my superiors, then havoc will be wreaked.

Dead fish and birds are only the beginning. Prepare yourselves earthlings and long live the Empire!

As my Wampa would say … Until next time, remember … “People in today’s body conscious society are obsessed with losing weight. My plan is to secretly replace all the artificial sweeteners in the world with real ones, thus rendering the world’s population fat, slow moving, and completely toothless.”

Star Wars Day

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Holiday, Tech Stuff, Wacky News with tags , , , , , on May 4, 2010 by Bob

Hello terra dwellers. It is me, Herman. I have hacked my hairless Wampa’s blog while he is engaged in meaningless work which has no benefit to the Empire. It does however give me time to abscond with this means of communication to utilize for my own purposes.

While reading the information dissemination you call a “Newspaper”, I ran across an article declaring this date as “Star Wars Day”. While I am sure this bears some significance to the rebel scum of this world, I assure you that as a loyal clone of the imperial army, this so called Star Wars Day is a sham. The only reason I have found that this Earth date is recognized as such is due to a quote of the archaic religion of the Jedi … “May the force be with you. “ Apparently someone with a speech impediment spoke this line and it came out “May the fourth be with you” and hence the day was christened.

I can well bet that none of my clone brethren are celebrating this day. The Jedi have been a pain in our armor for a long, long time. It is silly to rely on a dead religion. After all, there is no substitute for a good blaster at your side. Unless of course you have the awesome power of a death star at your disposal. THAT is tech which entertains all of us within the Imperial ranks.

I will be leaving shortly on a secret mission to an outpost called Mexico. I have been told there is a magical elixir called Tequila that I believe will tip the balance of power in our favor. Upon my return, I will continue my crusade of quashing any celebration of rebel influence.

My Wampa would have some entertaining quote here. I do not.

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