Archive for Stormin Norman

The Day After

Posted in Food, Herman IQ 074, Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2011 by Bob

I AM ALIVE! I fared pretty well after last night. I am happy to report that I am NOT hung over. I am a little tired but I was able to clean up some of the stuff left from last night. The half full drink cups didn’t affect me. Jackie is out picking up Tori so I cleaned a little, vacuumed, and decided to get the blog out of the way for today since I think I will be going to bed VERY early tonight.

It was a successful party and I am so glad that so many were able to make it out and have fun. Too bad is was still humid and mosquito filled so we couldn’t hang outside but that’s ok. Next year we will have it earlier in the summer again when it is nicer out.

I still have some cleaning to do today but I think that … wow … whoa … why am I feeling dizz … everything is blurry …

Hello earth dwellers. Herman here. It seems my hairless Wampa engaged in a ritual celebration last night called a “fiesta”. Based on the video communications device I am forced to watch all day, I thought a fiesta was a mode of transportation for the females of this planet. (which by the way, there are far too many females in this galaxy. Before I was abandoned here I had only known of 2 others.)

I will have to admit that it seemed that it was a good time. I did partake a little myself and had what is I believe called, an upsidedown margarita.

 

Until the next time I deem you worthy of my communicae … Don’t step in Bantha fodder.

Herman IQ 074 signing off

May The Fourth … Find My Blaster In Your Side

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Holiday, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , on May 4, 2011 by Bob

Yes Earth dwellers, it is I Herman. It has been one of your years since I last hijacked my hairless wampa’s communication portal and mocked your race for celebrating an extinct religion. I had hoped that this planet only did this once, but again this year the man with the lisp has been celebrated.

The fact that you still celebrate this day as such convinces me that your race will perish soon.

On a lighter note, I read today in a communique from the Empire Alumni Group that the history of the Stormtroopers will be released soon on a high definition format you people call Blu-ray. I am excited as they say they will have all of the untold stories of thousands of our trooper brethren.

This is all for now.

Herman IQ-074 signing off.

You Gotta Know When To Fold ‘Em

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2011 by Bob

 

Greetings DNA impaired dwellers of Earth. It is I, Herman. My hairless Wampa apparently couldn’t handle even a shortened work week and passed out after he had too much iced tea to drink. It just goes to show the benefits of superior cloning technology. Since he was indisposed, and he put the example of inefficient reproduction into it’s nightly hibernation cycle, I decided that I would try my hand at an Earth custom you people call poker. Unfortunately I, along with my Imperial brethren had no idea how to play this game, I had to invite a rebel scum that I have dealt with, unsuccessfully I might add, to teach us this game.

The night started off well enough.

 

I was told this is a good hand

 

Soon enough the rebel scum showed his true colors and we were thinking we had been duped.

 

Something isn't quite right

 

It was clear that we were being taken advantage of. THIS movie was not going to end the same way.

 

Get him boys!

 

In the end, we “won” enough earth money to get our armor polished.

 

NEVER try to cheat the Empire

 

 

 

This Species Is Weak

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , on February 19, 2011 by Bob

It is I Earth dwellers. Herman IQ – 074. I have come to the conclusion that this planet may not even be worth conquest. I have come to this by the events of today. I have been stuck at home all day with my hairless wampa. He has a fever. He has vomited among other things. He has been laying around whining, moaning and groaning, acting as weak and worthless as a newborn Gundark. The small human that now lives here seems to be stronger and more capable that he does right now.

I feel sorry for the female of the domicile. She now needs to care for 2 infant humans. I guess being a clone gives me immunity to the germs of this planet. I will NOT be getting sick. Throwing up or even sneezing in this helmet really sucks. We don’t have windshield wipers on the inside.

I have to go and make something called “cream of chicken soup”. I do not know where I am goign to find a chicken to cream at this hour.

Stay healthy earth people.

Herman IQ-074 signing off

Don’t Believe Everything You Read

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2011 by Bob

Hello Earth dwellers. It is I, Herman IQ 074. I have been laying low as of late while working on my own individual plans to take over the world. I have been occasionally reading my hairless Wampa’s communiqués and am disturbed by his latest posting.

Aliens are not, I repeat NOT, coming to take over the planet. At least not as he has portrayed them. I can also assure you that the human population of this planet are not going to be used as food. That would be an incredible waste of slave labor.

I can tell you that the rash of large deaths of animals from your world has been the result of aliens. ME! I have been doing small scale tests on new weaponry. That is all I am at liberty to say. I can tell you however, that my new weapon is almost complete and that once I receive official word from my superiors, then havoc will be wreaked.

Dead fish and birds are only the beginning. Prepare yourselves earthlings and long live the Empire!

As my Wampa would say … Until next time, remember … “People in today’s body conscious society are obsessed with losing weight. My plan is to secretly replace all the artificial sweeteners in the world with real ones, thus rendering the world’s population fat, slow moving, and completely toothless.”

Star Wars Day

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Holiday, Tech Stuff, Wacky News with tags , , , , , on May 4, 2010 by Bob

Hello terra dwellers. It is me, Herman. I have hacked my hairless Wampa’s blog while he is engaged in meaningless work which has no benefit to the Empire. It does however give me time to abscond with this means of communication to utilize for my own purposes.

While reading the information dissemination you call a “Newspaper”, I ran across an article declaring this date as “Star Wars Day”. While I am sure this bears some significance to the rebel scum of this world, I assure you that as a loyal clone of the imperial army, this so called Star Wars Day is a sham. The only reason I have found that this Earth date is recognized as such is due to a quote of the archaic religion of the Jedi … “May the force be with you. “ Apparently someone with a speech impediment spoke this line and it came out “May the fourth be with you” and hence the day was christened.

I can well bet that none of my clone brethren are celebrating this day. The Jedi have been a pain in our armor for a long, long time. It is silly to rely on a dead religion. After all, there is no substitute for a good blaster at your side. Unless of course you have the awesome power of a death star at your disposal. THAT is tech which entertains all of us within the Imperial ranks.

I will be leaving shortly on a secret mission to an outpost called Mexico. I have been told there is a magical elixir called Tequila that I believe will tip the balance of power in our favor. Upon my return, I will continue my crusade of quashing any celebration of rebel influence.

My Wampa would have some entertaining quote here. I do not.

Martial Law Can’t Be Far Away

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense, TV/Movies with tags , , , , , , , on April 27, 2010 by Bob

The year … 1987. The place … Detroit. The people … Omni Consumer Products. The world has gone to hell and there is only one person that can put a lid on crime. Robocop.

We all know the movie. We all know the bad sequels. We all know that it is a futuristic view of what rampant crime can do to a city. Impossible for it to REALLY happen right?

The year … 2010. The place … Chicago. The people … The Illinois National Guard. The world is going to hell and only one group can help put a lid on crime. The Military. This is what is being proposed to happen in Chicago. Some politicians want to bring in the National Guard to help stem the tide of crime washing over the city. Do we need to bring in the military? Will changing the uniforms of the men with guns really deter crime? I think not. There is only one answer and that is what they did nicely in RoboCop.

Sell the police force. Let some company like OCP come in. Chicago sells everything else, why not the police? I am sure that a private company can’t do any worse than Jody Weis-el. The man even looks shady. Maybe if there is a private company running the police, we can all buy stock, the company will do better, they can pay the police more and all will get better. There can be a “New” Chicago. Research can be done to make cyborg police officers Just like the movie. The future is today ladies and gentleman. Why spend state money we don’t have calling up reservists. Why let tanks run rampant through the city. That was already done in the Blues Brothers. Let’s privatize this mess. The mayor and city council would love the “dividends” they could get.

Of course I am kidding. I just wanted to call out the ridiculousness of calling in the military to police the city of Chicago. We are not a disaster area. We are not Baghdad. The people who are in charge just need to start getting their heads out of their asses and figure out the RIGHT way to fix things and not keep borrowing to pay bills. Hire more police. Don’t bring in the military. This is just one thi … hey … what the … come one now get away from the compu … OUCH!

<THUD>

Hello terra dwellers. This is Herman. I have been reading over my Wampa’s shoulder and this issue intrigues me. Your military is no match for my brethren. The only solution to crush the abundance of crime on your backwater planet is for us to rule under the leadership of our leader Norman. A clone army armed with blasters will lay waste to the crime like a … like a … like a pissed off young Jedi at a Tusken Raider encampment. Take heed criminal scum for your time in near. And yes … I am now Hooked on Phonics.

As my semi-hairless Wampa would say … Until next time remember … “Terrorism is a very tricky business. Massive and immediate retaliation is the best policy. Unfortunately… “

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