Once again the geniuses at VIMB have decided to be totally innovative and do absolutely nothing different from anyone else. In fact, we may even be duplicating things we have done in the past. We are really just too lazy to go back and look. (and we wonder why we won’t get hired by Cracked.com.)
While I was at work watching Christmas Vacation today, I began to think of all of the Christmas specials that have been made. I also thought about the ones that should not have been made in that list. I then thought that perhaps I should be working instead of all this thinking. In any case, I thought it would be fun to go back and do some more tribute to Letterman and some top 10 listage for the holidays. So, from the home office in Shitterton, Dorset, England:
The top 10 worst ideas I could think of for Christmas specials at 10 o’clock at night
10.I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas: Starring Megyn Kelly and George Zimmerman
9.The Tea Party Saves Santa
8.Justin Bieber and the Brazilian National Choir Sing Mannheim Steamroller’s Greatest Hits
7. Kanye’s Holiday Salute To The Troops
6.Santa’s Celebrity Sober House: Starring Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Charlie Sheen and Lamar Odom. With special guest Chris Brown as “the enforcer”.
5.Thamsanqa Jantjie: A Sign Language Holiday Sing-A-Long
4.My Favorite Holiday Cakes With David Mazzie
3.101 Ways To Kill A Shelf Elf
2.Reindeer Dynasty
And the #1 worst idea I could think of for a Christmas special at 10 o’clock at night …
I waited until today to do my celebrity death update so I could use that line for the title. For those of you too young to understand any Star Wars references or why I am putting that today … then I find your lack of trivia disturbing. Anyhoo, I also just had a pretty stressful couple of weeks (which I will explain in a later post) so I just didn’t feel like getting on the computer and typing this much until today. It can be argued that this month there were an inordinate number of trifectas as there were a couple of groupings. My clairvoyance didn’t let me see this coming. I really need to revisit my sad devotion to an ancient religion. Speaking of trifectas, it seems there were an awful lot of thoroughbreds that kicked this month as well. I am not going to list them all.
Roger Ebert – 70 – Film Critic – April 4
Margaret Thatcher – 87 – Former British Prime Minister – April 8
Annette Funicello – 70 – Mouseketeer – April 8
Richard Brooker – 58 – Jason Voorhees in Part 3 – April 8
Dick Sutliff – 77 – Journalist on WGN – April 9
Jimmy Dawkins – Blues musician – April 10
Jonathan Winters – 87 – Comedian – April 11
Frank Bank – 71 – “Lumpy” on Leave it to Beaver – April 13
Richard LeParmentier – 66 – Force choked in Star Wars and a cop in Who Framed Roger Rabbit– April 15
Pat Summerall – 82 – Football broadcaster – April 16
Allan Arbus – 95 – Actor M*A*S*H – April 19
Dani Crivelli – ? – Drummer with Krokus – April 21
Chrissy Amphlett – 53 – Singer Divinyls – April 21
So, this morning I decided that I had to do some laundry in order to have clean clothes to wear to my in-law’s and my parent’s for Christmas eve. It is traditional Christmas Eve lasagne at my mom’s so I just had to wash some jeans. Since it was jeans I was washing, I decided to wash my jacket as well. I don’t think I washed it since we got back from Vegas, but I could be wrong. In either case, I did the standard emptying of pockets in the jeans and my jacket, turning all the pockets inside out so as to make sure nothing got into the wash. I went down stairs to start my gift wrapping odyssey. After the wash cycle was complete, Jackie was going to put the little voice down for her nap and asked if I ever put the clothes in the dryer. I told her no and she said she would do it. All of a sudden from up in the laundry room there came such a clatter … of laughter and “oh my god you are not going to believe what i just found in the wash!” I told her to tell me, but she said she had to show me. She came down and stood on the stairs and held out over the railing what she had found so I could see it.
I could NOT believe what I was seeing. I had emptied my pockets umpteen times. Searched through them over and over. I had been wearing my jacket for 2 weeks … HOW on earth could I have missed this?
Zombie Herman?
YES! It is Herman who we thought was lost in the wilds of Freemont Street! How he made it home I have no clue. He is still in quarantine to determine if indeed he is a zombie or not. I kid you not people, this was NOT planned or expected. I also did not clone Herman and replace him. Jackie laughed a little when she showed me because I was almost as excited as Lindsey Lohan when she found out she could drink again.
Yeah, I am a little bit of a geek for being this excited. It really is kind of cool though, and a little creepy. I really have been wearing the coat since we got back from Vegas and I have been in and out of the pockets. I have no clue what happened. Jackie was more practical. She said “I really am impressed at how well the pain stayed on his uniform after going through the wash.” I love my wife.
Welcome Home Herman!!!!!! (once we find out if you are a zombie or not that is)
Tomorrow I go back to work. That means that my vacation is over. We had a blast in Vegas. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the level of customer service we experienced. I did not experience one cranky, surly or otherwise unpleasant worker while we were there. It made for a very nice trip. I don’t know if it was because it was off season or what but everyone was so nice, even the cab drivers and bus drivers. Overall our trip was one of the best vacations I have had. There was one sad part.
I mentioned earlier in the week that I thought Herman had stowed away in my luggage. I was right. I found him Wednesday morning when I came back from one of my walks. He was sitting at the bar downstairs using our room drink credit. Since he was here, we took him to see the lions with us.
After that he went out on his own again. He told us he was going to meet us on Freemont St. Thursday night. I was a little worried when I got this picture from him earlier in the day. I think he was letting the glitz and glamour get to him and he was falling in with a bad crowd.
Kotton Kandy, Herman's New ... friend
When we got back to our room after Freemont St., Herman was nowhere to be found. I figured he got lucky but … the next morning there was a knock on the door. I went to answer but there was only an envelope left on the floor. I opened it up and this is all it contained.
Hopefully it will fit the next clone.
I am assuming the worst. All I am left with is Herman’s head. The rest of him will not be leaving Las Vegas any time soon. I knew it was a bad sign when we were on the gondola ride at The Venetian and the gondolier started singing the Godfather theme. R.I.P. Herman.
As we head off into the long holiday weekend … hmmm, thought I would have a better follow up to that. Apparently the long weekend has nothing to do with anything that I am going to write about today. Basically, there have been a few things lately that have ground my gears, tweaked my melon, made me go “hmmm”, or otherwise made me scratch my head or wonder aloud.
First off, movies. I remember when Labor Day weekend used to have at least one good movie coming out. Now, we have things like Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. I have made it clear in the past that any of these movies where people just act like idiots trying to be funny are not my shot of whiskey. What is worse in this one is that at the end of the commercials, they have some guy acting like he is mentally handicapped trying to say how funny it is. What is the point of this? Why do they think it is funnier if the people are mentally handicapped, developmentally challenged or whatever you want to call it. That is an insult and to me, offensive.
Second off, mortgage banks being sued. The government says they are going to sue a number of big banks over mortgage stuff. They say that when the gov bought mortgage securities, the taxpayers lost money. Now they are saying they are suing them to get the taxpayer money back. I got 900 billion dollars that says the taxpayers won’t see any of it.
Third off, Old Navy. They have the most annoying commercials and I wish they would stop using songs and changing them to use their stupid lyrics. They suck.
Fourth off, Dancing With The Stars. A) None of those people are ‘Stars’, B) Who cares?
Fifth off, I have gas. Just thought I would share.
Sixth off, I don’t care about what people took in college when they are complaining about not being able to leave work early when you haven’t done anything really to deserve it anyway.
Seventh off, Star Wars. It is coming out on Blu-Ray. You can’t fight it, Darth Vader will say “No” no matter how much you protest. Even with all the complaining and people bitching about it, George Lucas will still make another fortune because everyone complaining is still going to buy it.
Eighth off, pro athletes. (I am stealing this directly from a co-workers Facebook page) – “I’d like to honor Lance Briggs by demanding more money or a trade from my employer too. Oh wait, I’m part of the 98% of the population who works hard everyday not making the league minimum or deciding not to play out the rest of my signed contract. Hey Lance, you tool, enjoy your stay in Jacksonville or Kansas City or whatever hole your able to find.”
Ninth off, iPhone 5. An iPhone 5 got left in a bar … again? Please. Apple quit trying to fool us and just admit that this is the way you can get info out there without admitting you are getting info out there.
Tenth off, Tori. I worked from home yesterday with Tori at home due to ill day care. It was pretty brutal and not something I thin I want to make a habit of until she is MUCH older … like in school. Anyhoo, later last night we took a cute video of her. Her new thing is saying “HIIIIII” to everyone she meets. Even herself. So, for those of you that do not know me on Facebook. Here she is being all cute and stuff.
That is all for today. I want everyone to have a safe, relaxing and fun weekend, be sure to donate during the MDA marathon and until next time, remember … “In outer space it’s okay to wear white shoes after LaborDay.”
I AM ALIVE! I fared pretty well after last night. I am happy to report that I am NOT hung over. I am a little tired but I was able to clean up some of the stuff left from last night. The half full drink cups didn’t affect me. Jackie is out picking up Tori so I cleaned a little, vacuumed, and decided to get the blog out of the way for today since I think I will be going to bed VERY early tonight.
It was a successful party and I am so glad that so many were able to make it out and have fun. Too bad is was still humid and mosquito filled so we couldn’t hang outside but that’s ok. Next year we will have it earlier in the summer again when it is nicer out.
I still have some cleaning to do today but I think that … wow … whoa … why am I feeling dizz … everything is blurry …
Hello earth dwellers. Herman here. It seems my hairless Wampa engaged in a ritual celebration last night called a “fiesta”. Based on the video communications device I am forced to watch all day, I thought a fiesta was a mode of transportation for the females of this planet. (which by the way, there are far too many females in this galaxy. Before I was abandoned here I had only known of 2 others.)
I will have to admit that it seemed that it was a good time. I did partake a little myself and had what is I believe called, an upsidedown margarita.
Until the next time I deem you worthy of my communicae … Don’t step in Bantha fodder.
Yes Earth dwellers, it is I Herman. It has been one of your years since I last hijacked my hairless wampa’s communication portal and mocked your race for celebrating an extinct religion. I had hoped that this planet only did this once, but again this year the man with the lisp has been celebrated.
The fact that you still celebrate this day as such convinces me that your race will perish soon.
On a lighter note, I read today in a communique from the Empire Alumni Group that the history of the Stormtroopers will be released soon on a high definition format you people call Blu-ray. I am excited as they say they will have all of the untold stories of thousands of our trooper brethren.
For months I have been writing the occasional post about Tori. I have even posted pictures of her. They have been cute pictures. Pictures that any parent, grandparent, relative … future boyfriend … would be allowed to look at by Tori when she is older. Today, that all changes.
I have said all along that I am going to be “that father”. The one that embarrasses my children without even trying, or even realizing it. Well, I figure that I might as well get the ball rolling and get that very first “DO NOT show my boyfriend those pictures!!” pictures up on the web for posterity. That’s right, the dreaded “baby bath” pictures. So, without further adieu, here is baby Tori in all her glory. Future boyfriends, we will have more to mortify her with.
DADDY! A Little privacy please!
I'm gonna wash that food right outta my hair
No more tears my eye!
These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Until next time, remember … “May the schwartz be with yoooououoouuououoalablababla”
Greetings DNA impaired dwellers of Earth. It is I, Herman. My hairless Wampa apparently couldn’t handle even a shortened work week and passed out after he had too much iced tea to drink. It just goes to show the benefits of superior cloning technology. Since he was indisposed, and he put the example of inefficient reproduction into it’s nightly hibernation cycle, I decided that I would try my hand at an Earth custom you people call poker. Unfortunately I, along with my Imperial brethren had no idea how to play this game, I had to invite a rebel scum that I have dealt with, unsuccessfully I might add, to teach us this game.
The night started off well enough.
I was told this is a good hand
Soon enough the rebel scum showed his true colors and we were thinking we had been duped.
Something isn't quite right
It was clear that we were being taken advantage of. THIS movie was not going to end the same way.
Get him boys!
In the end, we “won” enough earth money to get our armor polished.
It is I Earth dwellers. Herman IQ – 074. I have come to the conclusion that this planet may not even be worth conquest. I have come to this by the events of today. I have been stuck at home all day with my hairless wampa. He has a fever. He has vomited among other things. He has been laying around whining, moaning and groaning, acting as weak and worthless as a newborn Gundark. The small human that now lives here seems to be stronger and more capable that he does right now.
I feel sorry for the female of the domicile. She now needs to care for 2 infant humans. I guess being a clone gives me immunity to the germs of this planet. I will NOT be getting sick. Throwing up or even sneezing in this helmet really sucks. We don’t have windshield wipers on the inside.
I have to go and make something called “cream of chicken soup”. I do not know where I am goign to find a chicken to cream at this hour.
Voicesinmybrain 