I Went Bra Shopping

A second post tonight since I kind of slacked off on the death watch this month. Today, the family went to the mall. It was the first time that our little voices were exposed to the mall. I normally detest going to malls for a number of reasons, the least of which is my time spent as a mall rat in the ‘80s.

We are having family pictures taken soon and we needed some new clothes to wear. Since I work for a large retailer we went there for my discount. We traveled to the large mall by us, Woodfield Mall as the store would have more of a selection than the 2 stores that are closer to us. We got a bunch of clothes and then went to lunch. In the mall. Tori had her first experience with chopsticks. She was pretty good with them. I digress. The real reason for this post…

Mrs. Voices needed a new bra. She decided she couldn’t get one for 20% off at Sears (I mean the large retailer I work for), so we walked across the mall to Victoria’s Secret. I think it was maybe only the 3^rd time in my life that I was in VS. I think the last time I was there, I was in my early 20’s, no kids and looking for a gift for a girlfriend at the time. Before that, it was probably when I was in my teen years and I was being a pervert walking through with my friends looking at the underwear. Regardless, the common images of VS come from the winged models and catalogs that young boys who couldn’t get a hold of Playboy used to … well … you know.

This was nowhere to be seen

If you haven’t been in a VS lately, I got news for you. The images are GREATLY exaggerated. First off, the people working there, you would think would be some of the hottest women since they are trying to sell the hottest clothes. Yeah, not really. Maybe it is just the store I went to but, I didn’t see anyone there that made me want to leave my kids in the car when I walk into the store. When it comes to the clientele, most would think that the sexiest of people shop there. There were more strollers in that store than at Babies R Us. And the ratio of bedonka donk to spandex worthy … WAY too heavy on the bedonka donk. People of Walmart must have had a bus tour today. Basically, the sexiest things in the store, beside my wife, were the headless mannequins.

 

WAY more of this. A crime against spandex.

To sum up, Victoria’s Secret is far from a place that any male should feel ashamed of going into. I never thought that it would be “family friendly”. Either that or I am just getting really old.

 

On the plus side, I saw a slightly thinner version of Paul Blart complete with Segway riding through the mall. It was even more sad than Paul though because this guard actually had to wear a helmet. Wish I would have gotten a picture. It was the highlight of the day.

 

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A Loyal Pain In The A**

This morning I was getting supplies ready to bring to day care for the Dude. They needed a new supply of diapers and wipes. Before I bagged it up, I took off the reward point stickers. Let me splain. We have switched brands in the last 6 months or so to Huggies, which is carried at Costco in the giant boxes. When we made this switch, I noticed that there was a sticker on the bags for some type of reward program. I checked it out and signed up to get the points for buying their product. I am not sure really what I get yet for taking these stickers off every time and saving them and then entering them online. The only thing I know, is that it is a pain in the ass. Basically, ALL rewards programs are kind of a pain in the ass.

Every retailer, restaurant, credit card, movie theater, local brothel and back alley drug dealer have some sort of “loyalty program” that rewards you with something for remembering to bring some goofy little card with you to show them that you took the time to give them your email address. I used to refuse to sign up for all the programs because I didn’t want to have to carry around 400 plastic cards or key chain fobs. Most of these programs give you points to cash in for something. A lot of these programs are basic … you buy this much, you get this much. Some are complicated as hell … you buy this much on this day with this card and you get this to buy this but can’t use it until then and if you come back then you will get extra stuff to do at another day. WHAT?!?!

I admit I use some of them> Best Buy and my Sears/Kmart as those give you points that add up to actual cash value. There are some I don’t even know what I am earning “rewards” for, but I am told I get them all the time. Off the top of my head, I think I (I include the wife in this) am loyal to the following companies/brands: Best Buy, Huggies, Amazon, Toys/Babies R Us, Sears/Kmart, Jewel, Dominick’s, Pet Smart, Border’s, Red Robin, Walgreens, Lowe’s, Petco, Best Western, Disney Movie Rewards, Capital One Credit Card, My Coke Rewards, AMC Movie Watcher, Craftsman, Barnes & Noble, American Express, Speedway, American Airlines, Luke’s of Carpentersville, Hollywood Casino and I am sure there are a number of other ones I haven’t touched or thought of in years like the alcohol and tobacco ones that I used to send in things for when I worked in the bars.

Fortunately, most of them have gotten it through their heads that we shouldn’t have to carry around a card and can look us up through our phone number. Which is good so the wife and I don’t have to have separate ones. Jewel, has recently gotten rid of theirs all together and now everyone just gets the good prices. Makes sense since if you forgot your card or for some reason didn’t have one, they just scanned the store card and you got the discount anyway.

Most times, if some place asks me if I have a card, I tell them I don’t know and give them my phone number. If I do … cool. If not, I am not signing up for another one. Unfortunately there is only one solution to all of this. We need to get chipped and then that is how we are tracked. Either that or everything just needs to be free like on Star Trek.

I thought I had a point coming into this but I guess once again … I am pointless.

Have a great weekend everyone!

All I Can Ask Is Why?

Ever since Alex arrived we have been trying to keep Tori’s routine as unchanged as possible. There have been a few things that have changed a little but for the most part we have kept things the same as before. To that end, I took Tori to day care this morning. That has nothing to do with anything other than I felt like telling you all. Anyhoo, when I got home, I had to take Mrs. Voices to the drop in clinic at her Dr. because she has pink eye, in both eyes, and we know no one who has it. WEIRD! Once she got her prescription, we still have a few things we need to get for Alex … crib mattress, diaper bag and a few other incidentals that come with having 2 little ones so close in age.

We were looking at a local baby store and I noticed the prices on some things. Now I know that there are parents that have to have the absolute best of everything. For me, a stroller is a stroller and if you spend a shit ton of cash on a stroller that doesn’t convert or anything is purely status for the parent. The prices for these things are ridiculous. Why in the name of all that is holy does a baby … sleeping in a  crib …  need a mattress that costs $400? They are not going to know the difference. Also, a baby does not even weigh enough to make a memory foam mattress even make sense!

Baby furniture is also a rip off. Most of the furniture is smaller, so why does it cost twice as much as grown up furniture? And clothes … don’t get me started on clothes. An entire unemployment check (well, maybe not that much) for an Easter dress that Tori will wear only once? It would have really been nice if my former employers waited at least another couple of paychecks before they decided to make up reasons to fire me. I wish I could be a Mr. Mom but financially these days, it just isn’t feasible. I promise this will be the last time I bitch about being fired … maybe. Yeah, I am bitter.

 

I’m Done

Just a quick hello. I just wanted to verify that I am officially 100% done Christmas shopping. We are out at a party tonight so wrapping happens tomorrow in the few free hours I have. Forgive any typos in here since I am typing this on my phone. I have to go and change Tori now. Talk to you all tomorrow.

What Not To Buy … A Gifting Guide

So, the other day the team here at Voicesinmybrain gave our directions on how to shop last minute. We have received literally hundreds of comments on that post. Granted, they were mostly spam, but we still had a big enough response that the editorial staff got together and read through the one email we got from Melvin R. in Susquehanna, PA. This email had a simple request: “You told us how to shop and gave a few suggestions, but, what should I avoid buying for my girlfriend?” Excellent question Melvin. Since the editorial staff only has 2 women, and one of them can’t speak, there was limited input from the female perspective. We did do our best however to come up with our top 10 list of gifts NOT to get your girlfriend for Christmas (or any other holiday for that matter). In no particular order, here they are.

1. A stripper pole – No matter how sexy you think she is, and no matter how sexy SHE thinks she is, you should never suggest she dance for you like that. For this to truly be a gift, she should buy it for YOU.

2. Anything that vibrates – Do you really want to encourage her to replace you?

3. Edible Clothing – Again, this is really a gift for you. If you think it isn’t, consider the fact that she is going to be all sticky and gross after you are done slobbering all over her.

4. Cooking lessons – If she doesn’t already know how to cook, then that means she doesn’t want to. Trying a not so subtle hint as this is a possible relationship ender.  Take her to dinner somewhere nice instead.

5. Anything to do with cleaning – See #4 … same concept.

6. Gym Membership – Again, see #4 … Do you see the pattern here?

7. Clothes – So many things can go wrong with this … Wrong size which can get you in trouble, wrong style which could show her how bad your fashion sense is (I learned that one the hard way) and god forbid you buy sexy lingerie.

8. A romantic weekend – This actually depends on how long you have been together. Too soon and you will scare her away. Don’t wait too long in the relationship though or she will expect a ring during the weekend.

9. A pet – This is like saying, “I want a pet but I don’t want to take care of it so I am giving it to you as a gift so I can play with it but you have to take care of it.”

10. A poem or original song – No matter how “romantic” you think this idea might be, unless you are Dr. Seuss or Dave Grohl, all you will be saying is “I am soooo cheap!”

Remember, we worked for minutes and did a modicum of research in order to bring you this helpful information. Please do not embarrass yourself this gift giving season. Heed our advice and you will find you will be the best gifter on your side of the bed.

Another VIMB How To Moment

Once again, we here at Voicesinmybrain wish to help our fellow man with helpful tips to improve your holidays. Today, we here are VIMB want to help with our information on: How To Use Your Saturday To Finally Put Up Christmas Decorations.

– Wake up with plans to go to breakfast

– Wake up late

– Go to breakfast while your new glasses are being made

– Go to Walmart after picking up your glasses

– Go to Babies R Us

– While at Babies R Us, change baby’s clothes because she peed so much it totally overflowed her diaper.

– Head to Costco but stop at Sonic for a refreshing beverage.

– On way to Costco, look in rear view mirror to see baby holding her nose, telling you that she pooped.

– When almost at Costco, realize that you can’t change baby yet because you have to go home for your membership card that you took out of your wallet when you went to Vegas because a pick pocket is really going to did on that Costco card.

– Get home, change baby and baby’s clothes AGAIN because of the longer wait she blew out a bit.

– With baby in her 3rd outfit of the day, go to Costco for the 2 things you needed, walk out with 15 things you don’t need.

– Get home, unload the car, eat dinner, catch up on TV on the DVR.

– Realize you have been watching TV all night, it is 11:15 p.m. and you haven’t blogged yet.

– Come up with a crazy blog idea and try to type while watching Alec Baldwin make fun of his flight “incident” this past week and wonder if he is insane or brilliant for doing so.

– Include Alec Baldwin bit in your blog.

– Look at the clock and realize that it is 11:45 p.m. and your blog post is finished but you have totally forgotten about the Christmas decorations which is what your whole day was supposed to be about.

– Go to bed and hope you can get something done tomorrow.