Archive for postaday2011

It’s A Christmas Eve Miracle!

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Holiday, Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2011 by Bob

So, this morning I decided that I had to do some laundry in order to have clean clothes to wear to my in-law’s and my parent’s for Christmas eve. It is traditional Christmas Eve lasagne at my mom’s so I just had to wash some jeans. Since it was jeans I was washing, I decided to wash my jacket as well. I don’t think I washed it since we got back from Vegas, but I could be wrong. In either case, I did the standard emptying of pockets in the jeans and my jacket, turning all the pockets inside out so as to make sure nothing got into the wash. I went down stairs to start my gift wrapping odyssey. After the wash cycle was complete, Jackie was going to put the little voice down for her nap and asked if I ever put the clothes in the dryer. I told her no and she said she would do it. All of a sudden from up in the laundry room there came such a clatter … of laughter and “oh my god you are not going to believe what i just found in the wash!” I told her to tell me, but she said she had to show me. She came down and stood on the stairs and held out over the railing what she had found so I could see it.

I could NOT believe what I was seeing. I had emptied my pockets umpteen times. Searched through them over and over. I had been wearing my jacket for 2 weeks … HOW on earth could I have missed this?

Zombie Herman?

 

YES! It is Herman who we thought was lost in the wilds of Freemont Street! How he made it home I have no clue. He is still in quarantine to determine if indeed he is a zombie or not. I kid you not people, this was NOT planned or expected. I also did not clone Herman and replace him. Jackie laughed a little when she showed me because I was almost as excited as Lindsey Lohan when she found out she could drink again.

Yeah, I am a little bit of a geek for being this excited. It really is kind of cool though, and a little creepy. I really have been wearing the coat since we got back from Vegas and I have been in and out of the pockets. I have no clue what happened. Jackie was more practical. She said “I really am impressed at how well the pain stayed on his uniform after going through the wash.” I love my wife.

Welcome Home Herman!!!!!! (once we find out if you are a zombie or not that is)

I’m Done

Posted in Holiday, Nonsense with tags , on December 23, 2011 by Bob

Just a quick hello. I just wanted to verify that I am officially 100% done Christmas shopping. We are out at a party tonight so wrapping happens tomorrow in the few free hours I have. Forgive any typos in here since I am typing this on my phone. I have to go and change Tori now. Talk to you all tomorrow.

What Not To Buy … A Gifting Guide

Posted in Holiday, How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2011 by Bob

So, the other day the team here at Voicesinmybrain gave our directions on how to shop last minute. We have received literally hundreds of comments on that post. Granted, they were mostly spam, but we still had a big enough response that the editorial staff got together and read through the one email we got from Melvin R. in Susquehanna, PA. This email had a simple request: “You told us how to shop and gave a few suggestions, but, what should I avoid buying for my girlfriend?” Excellent question Melvin. Since the editorial staff only has 2 women, and one of them can’t speak, there was limited input from the female perspective. We did do our best however to come up with our top 10 list of gifts NOT to get your girlfriend for Christmas (or any other holiday for that matter). In no particular order, here they are.

1. A stripper pole – No matter how sexy you think she is, and no matter how sexy SHE thinks she is, you should never suggest she dance for you like that. For this to truly be a gift, she should buy it for YOU.

2. Anything that vibrates – Do you really want to encourage her to replace you?

3. Edible Clothing – Again, this is really a gift for you. If you think it isn’t, consider the fact that she is going to be all sticky and gross after you are done slobbering all over her.

4. Cooking lessons – If she doesn’t already know how to cook, then that means she doesn’t want to. Trying a not so subtle hint as this is a possible relationship ender.  Take her to dinner somewhere nice instead.

5. Anything to do with cleaning – See #4 … same concept.

6. Gym Membership – Again, see #4 … Do you see the pattern here?

7. Clothes – So many things can go wrong with this … Wrong size which can get you in trouble, wrong style which could show her how bad your fashion sense is (I learned that one the hard way) and god forbid you buy sexy lingerie.

8. A romantic weekend – This actually depends on how long you have been together. Too soon and you will scare her away. Don’t wait too long in the relationship though or she will expect a ring during the weekend.

9. A pet – This is like saying, “I want a pet but I don’t want to take care of it so I am giving it to you as a gift so I can play with it but you have to take care of it.”

10. A poem or original song – No matter how “romantic” you think this idea might be, unless you are Dr. Seuss or Dave Grohl, all you will be saying is “I am soooo cheap!”

Remember, we worked for minutes and did a modicum of research in order to bring you this helpful information. Please do not embarrass yourself this gift giving season. Heed our advice and you will find you will be the best gifter on your side of the bed.

Little Baby Says WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH All Night Long

Posted in Nonsense, Tori with tags , , , , , on December 21, 2011 by Bob

I think I might have used that title before. Hmmmm. Lack of sleep does that. Tori was up for a few hours last night again. We put her to bed at a nice time so we can have a little relaxation time and she usually sleeps through the night. The last couple of weeks she has been teething again pretty hardcore. The problem is, her teeth wait until we have been in bed for about an hour or so, just long enough that we are just starting to hit dream land and then BAM! When she wakes up, she is up for a good 45 min. after I schlep downstairs to get the Tylenol that I forget to bring up every night. Then mommy sits with her until she is drifting off. She gets put in her crib and then has to yell for another 10 min. By this time, I have to get up and go to the bathroom, kick the dog off my side of the bed that she overtook when I went downstairs, and then try to fall back asleep. Normally, this isn’t that bad. Last night, different story.

We thought it would be a good idea to give Tori some acorn squash for dinner. She LOVES squash. Let me re-phrase … she loves the strained, non-fibrous, less gas producing baby food squash that we USUALLY give her. Apparently, regular acorn squash makes for a very gassy and unhappy baby at 2:30 a.m.combine that with teething and you have daddy building a fort under his desk at work so he can sleep. Yes, I was Costanzaing, or trying to anyway. Damn meetings and what not. I tried my best to sit with her during the night since mommy tried first. I was sitting with Tori fine for a while and then she tried to  crawl off my lap and was saying “mama”. I know when I should give up and go back to bed and try to get sleep. It didn’t help. Mama had to bring the littlest voice into our room for a bit. Once all the various medicines started working (I had 3 shots of Jack to help me get back to sleep) and once Tori had a wonderbutt of her own, (to steal a name for a moment from WhatIMeant2Say because it is one of the greatest names EVER), and when  Tori decided she could break free from us, it was I think about 3:30 a.m. I got up at 5:40 a.m. I am still sleepy and not really sure how I am awake and typing right now.

I had a totally different topic in mind when I started typing this and now I have no clue what it was.

I have apparently been getting more popular with the spam crowd lately as my spam folder has totally blown up. If anyone has made a legitimate comment lately and has not seen it come up as approved, let me know. I have been getting about 100-150 spams a day and I am just bulk deleting them so I can keep up. This is also why I have been so bad at commenting and liking other peoples posts and blogs. I am reading them, and I do like them. One of my goals for the new year is to comment on more of the blogs that I read. Like I said though, it is a goal. I was a horrible goalie in floor hockey. What?

How To Last Minute Christmas Shop

Posted in Holiday, How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , on December 20, 2011 by Bob

Yes my friends, with Christmas fast approaching, the staff here at Voicesinmybrain thought we would lend a hand to the weary shopper who has procrastinated until time has almost run out. We have gathered our combined years of extensive experience and compiled the best things to do when you are last minute shopping. Ok, so it is just me and what I seem to do every year. Take my advice to heart, or discard it like last year’s fruitcake. Either way, I hope you glean some sort of helpful information from another VIMB ‘How To’ moment.

  1. Look at the calendar every day starting the 1st of Dec and tell yourself “I have plenty of time!”
  2. Ignore #1 until Dec 20th and then when you get to work and realize the date say “Oh Crap!” loud enough for co-workers to hear.
  3. Forgo lunch the next 3 days as you run from store to store trying to find that perfect gift that everyone is sold out of by now.
  4. Try shopping online but realize shipping will be 3 times as much as the gift in order to get it in time.
  5. With 2 days left, check the “Seasonal” isles at Walgreens, CVS, Jewel etc. Find no gift but get enough candy for stocking stuffers
  6. With 1 day s left, go into panic mode, run to each store you previously went to before. Buy sizes that don’t fit, and damaged items with hopes they will be back in stock when it is time for returns and exchanges.
  7. On Christmas Eve, realize that your gifts suck, stop at a gas station and buy everyone a bottle of booze and some scratch off lottery tickets.
  8. On Christmas morning, realize it is not about the gifts and it is about family and togetherness and all that sappy stuff and enjoy the day. (Sorry, had to end it on a high note. It’s Christmas after all!)

Oh The Weather Outside Is … Quite Pleasant

Posted in Holiday, Nonsense, TV/Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2011 by Bob

There have been 19 or so days of above average temperatures for December. There was a little bit of snow that lasted a day, if that. The only thing that has screamed Christmas season so far is the 9 million people crowding the stores when I just want to go in and buy a package of underwear. I AM referring to the commercial Christmas and not the true meaning of Christmas, which as we all know, thanks to Family Guy, “is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.”

I don’t think it will snow or get cold soon. Why? Because I bought a heater for my garage, salt for the sidewalk and those driveway marker poles so I can see where it is when I am snow blowing. That is pretty much the kiss of death for me as I AM the walking embodiment of Murphy’s Law. I even considered changing my name to that one but it turns out I couldn’t have my name be possessive or some nonsense.

I included the fire above since it is too warm to actually have a fire in the fireplace. It is almost warm enough to go over to the neighbors and have a bonfire at the end of their driveway. It’s not as dangerous as it sounds. Well, maybe the first 5 minutes or so until the gas burns off but then it is perfectly safe … ish.

I saw a list of the worst Christmas movies today from Fandango. I don’t agree. Their little lunch bag headed people don’t know what they are talking about. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is CLASSIC! Some of the other movies on the list I agree with. I did not see a list however of the BEST Christmas movies of all time. Here are some suggestions, in no particular order:

  1. Die Hard
  2. Better Off Dead
  3. Lethal Weapon
  4. Brazil
  5. Trading Places
  6. Running Scared
  7. 12 Monkeys
  8. The Ref

I think all of these movies have some kind of Christmas reference in them at some point. Forget the Santa and Rudolph and Frosty crap. As much as I love the Rankin Bass animated things, I like to watch them when I want to. In a few years I will have to watch them when the kids want to. I am afraid I may get sick of them so I am going to get my odd ball x-mas movies in now while I still can!

That’s all for now, until next time, remember … “Faces are a doddle compared to tits and ass.”

Hey … I Stole This

Posted in Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , on December 18, 2011 by Bob

So I’m stealing this from Kapgar who stole it from Marty who in turn stole it from Avitable who stole it from 2 friends and they stole it from 2 friends and so on, and so on, and so on … oh wait no … that was the shampoo secret I stole earlier in the week. I didn’t think I would do a survey thing like this ever since I stopped doing them on AOL about 8 years ago but I figured, what the hell, it is an easy posting right? THEN I started looking at the questions and realizing I had to come up with answers. So, here it goes.

  1. If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
    <BELLLLLLLLLLCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH>
  2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
    I will have to go with Frank Oz. (despite rumors of his attitude). Or, I would agree with Kevin and say Jim Henson if it could be someone dead.
  3. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
    Australia. Unless of course I have to have a passport, which I don’t, so then I guess I would have to say Denver because there are things to do there when you’re dead.
  4. What do you think about most?
    The cost of therapy that Tori will need with me as her father.
  5. You have the opportunity to spend a romantic night with the music celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
    Oh yes. Please let me pick Taylor Swift … oh wait. Romantic and Celebrity.
  6. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
    This one time, after I fed Tori something I really probably shouldn’t have, and Jackie wasn’t home to change Tori’s diaper …
  7. What’s your strangest talent?
    Please, this questions just begs for me to post it again. Sorry … had to.
  1. What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
    How do you know she’s a witch?
  2. Ever had a poem or song written about you?
    If there was, I am making nothing off of it.
  3. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
    August 13th 1988
  4. Do you have any strange phobias?
    STRANGE phobias … no.  Everyday normal phobias … call me Monk.
  5. What’s your religion?
    I believe that there is something out there to make me feel guilty about believing or not believing what I believe or don’t believe.
  6. What is your current desktop picture?
    Pictures of Tori on both screens.
  7. When you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
    Cursing the fresh air and wishing I was back indoors breathing the recycled breath of my co-workers.
  8. What’s the last song you listened to?
    Ass Hole by Denis Leary
  9. Favorite band?
    Rubber or possibly hair. Although, a good case can be made for Lap.
  10. What was the last lie you told?
    I love my job
  11. Do you believe in karma?
    I wish I didn’t but things keep proving themselves to me otherwise.
  12. What is a saying you say a lot?
    Thank you please. (I stole this years ago and haven’t dropped it)
  13. What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
    Weakness: My right knee. Strength: This roll of Duct Tape that has been in my car for years.
  14. Who is your celebrity crush?
    Jesssica Alba … although she could squash me like a grape. Man crush I would have to say Sean Connery.
  15. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.
    Bad covers on American Idol
  16. How do you vent your anger?
    I let it build up slowly over the year and let out bits and pieces at family gatherings.
  17. Do you have a collection of anything?
    Pez
  18. What is your favorite word?

It’s About Time

Posted in Holiday, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , on December 17, 2011 by Bob

We did it. We finally did it! It has taken us weeks of procrastination, trying to find time and juggling Tori’s needs, but we were finally able to put up our Christmas decorations today. Well, we put up limited decorations today. We put up our small tree and a few stockings, some window decorations and a door wreath. We figure this is all we really need for the next couple of years with the little people that will be around. Next year Tori will probably be a little more appreciative but her little brother won’t be still. This way, when we break out the real good stuff later, Tori will really be excited. This is my rationale and I am sticking with it.

Now, all we need to do is finish Christmas shopping. We have a whole week to get that done. PLENTY of time. I’ve always wondered what it would look like if I ended my post like the Sopranos. Is it really as effective in writing as it is on tel

It’s Quite Easy Being Green

Posted in Nonsense, TV/Movies with tags , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2011 by Bob

So, I broke down and went and saw The Muppets today. I was VERY skeptical with my love of Muppets. I was worried that Frank Oz was not involved. I was worried that Jason Segel was one of the writers. The early talk about the movie made it seem like it was going to be more about the people stars than the Muppets. I have to admit, my misgivings were misplaced. It was a pretty good movie. Of course, I noticed the slightest variations in the voices, but then again, when I do the voices they aren’t perfect either. I actually got a little misty at the end when they were singing The Rainbow connection.I would give a better more complete review but I don’t want to spoil it for anyone.

I think that before I die, I will have to take the same pilgrimage that Walter took. I will have to be a Muppet before I die. If anyone out there knows Frank Oz, I would do anything to meet him. That would be cool. If anyone out there has any ins with the Muppet folks, that would be cool. I think I still have a chance of being a Muppet. I don’t think the voices do as much puppetry as they old time crew did. I could be wrong, the credits just made it look different.

Anyway, it was a busy day and we have a busier day tomorrow so, have a great night all. And until next time, remember … “Keep believing, keep pretending; we’ve done just what we’ve set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!”

 

Child Rearing 101

Posted in How To, Nonsense, Tori, TV/Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2011 by Bob

As a relatively new parent, I am always looking for tried and true methods on how to raise a well behaved, caring, smart child. When they are older I think I have it down. I remember what my parents did and so I will have my theories on what worked and what didn’t. (probably more what I liked and didn’t since I turned out pretty ok) It is the times that I was too young to remember, that I have nothing to compare it to.

I haven’t read any books or taken and classes or anything goofy like that. I watch other parents. I observe how their children act. I listen to their advice and their stories of how they dealt with certain situations. Then, I ignore it all and I take my cues from movies and television.

Everything I have ever needed to know about raising a child has been committed to celluloid and video tape. Mr. Mom, Mrs. Doubtfire, Adventures in Babysitting and many others, have all been chock full of wonderful parenting tips. This is Christmas time however, so, I am currently gleaning information from an all time classic, A Christmas Story.

What could I possibly learn from this movie? More than one might think. In addition to valuable tips in family life, I learned how to fix a furnace, that I should drink Ovaltine, how to beat up a bully and how to let out a string of curse words a mile and a half long.

The piece I am focusing on this year, is something that I will be practicing and stocking up for in preparation for the coming years. Soap. I know not to use Lifebuoy as it can make you go blind. Apparently the soap to use is Palmolive. I am glad I learned this little tidbit.

Another thing this movie teaches is that it is perfectly fine to leave your young children alone in the middle of a mall while you go shopping. They are in line to see Santa, what harm can come of that when they are all alone right? And who needs to child proof a house? 100 plugs in one outlet is perfectly fine.

There are plenty of other things I could call out, but the one last important piece of info is that it is safe and acceptable to buy small children firearms. As long as they have glasses on, then they are safe from any harm that may come to them. I know this movie takes place when radio shows, secret decoder rings and pink bunny pajamas were all the rage but, this kind of advice is timeless.

Well, gotta get ready to go out and have a few drinks with some folks from work. We are going to go spend the money from our swear jar.

Until next time, remember … “Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.”

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