The Sheep Will Inherit The Earth

I heard this morning that Notre Dame will no longer be issuing their diplomas on sheep skin. I didn’t know they actually still gave out ANY diplomas ANYWHERE on sheep skin. The reasons for this switch were a) the company that produced them is getting out of the sheep skin biz; b) Growing numbers of students were complaining about animal welfare and rights. I am curious as to how many of those “growing number of students” are actually vegetarians. I wonder how many of them have ever had a Gyro. I wonder how many of them have ever had lamb with mint jelly.

I know that there are a lot of people who are all for animal rights and what not. I do not want to be cruel to animals, not even cats which I HATE with every fiber of my being. There is a problem with this desire however. There are a LOT of animals that just taste SO DAMN GOOD! I mean come on, the human race evolved as hunters. We are designed to eat meat. We have canine teeth for tearing at the charred flesh of succulent, fat marbled muscle of the finest bovine … argargahrgahgrhagrhg. Sorry, I got carried away. I don’t want you all to think I am only into eating cows. I also like veal, pork, lamb, duck, venison, rabbit, crab, lobster and probably a few other cute cuddly creatures.

If all the animal rights folks have their wishes, we won’t survive as a race. We will become weak. Where will our protein come from? SOY?! Come on. You can not get the great smell of BBQ from soy. You can not deep fry a tofurky. You can not make a turducken out of soy.

There is another problem with animal rights. If we stop eating tasty animals because it is cruel, then the animal population will explode. There will be all kinds of animals everywhere. I have 2 words for you kids … Animal Farm.

Not only that, but read up on how much methane animals produce. They are destroying our ozone layer. They are being cruel to us by slowly killing us, so eating them is only fair right?

Well, I am sure that I have pissed off enough vegetarians, vegans, all of P.E.T.A. and anyone else who wants to save the whales. Actually, you can save them, just leave my cows out of it.

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P.E.T.E.

Friends, are you tired of PETA standing up for animal rights? Are you upset that PETA, claiming to be as high and mighty as they think they are, not protecting anyone other than animals? Would you like to see someone stand up for other things? Then you want to join P.E.T.E.

That’s right, People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything is recruiting in your area. Who are we? We are an organization whose sole purpose is to stand up for the right of everyone and everything.

From the rumpled dress on the limo floor after prom, to the Taco Bell sauce packet left in the parking lot of the high school, we will protect!

We have a fleet of vessels of all kinds that we will deploy at the slightest hint of injustice. We will stand up for the poor fur coats that those bastards at PETA throw blood all over. We will champion the rights of kelp beds disturbed by the scurrying motor boats of Greenpeace. We will protect radicchio and heirloom tomatoes from the wicked gullets of vile vegans wherever they lurk.

At P.E.T.E. we believe in our founding principles that everything should be outlawed and everything should be protected at the same time. That’s right, we are the most fringe environmental group ever. So come and join us as we protect the word and the world’s protectors from themselves. We meet alternating Tuesdays in the basement of the community church. Donations can be sent to the same address. Thank you and god bless.