Archive for Parenting

That’s What I Said?

Posted in Nonsense, Tori with tags , , , , , on September 9, 2012 by Bob

The friends of mine with kids will know exactly what I am talking about. The ones that are expecting kids, this is fair warning.

As Tori is getting older and repeating EVERYTHING these days, we are paying closer attention to what we actually say. Because of this, we are paying closer attention to what we say … and sometimes it is down right wrong sounding. We have found that there are a lot of things that you say when talking to a child of limited vocabulary, that sometimes sound just plain dirty. Half the time I am expecting Michael Scott to jump out from around the corner and scream “That’s what she said!” Sometimes Mrs. Voices takes care of that for me. You can’t argue that some the things you say to a kid would have an entirely different meaning to most adults who think The Hangover and Borat are funny. Here are some examples:

  • Stop playing with your button.
  • Stop pulling on that.
  • Get your finger out of there!
  • Let me look in your pants.
  • Did you rub that all in your hair?
  • You have to hold it straight up and down when you suck.
  • Baby girl, you are all sticky.
  • Take that out of your mouth.
  • You don’t want to taste daddy’s cheese?
  • Put your balls away.


These are just a few that I have caught myself saying lately. Parents out there, please let me know some of the good ones that you have said and then thought “Did I just say that?”


I … Am A Horrible Father

Posted in Nonsense, Tori, TV/Movies with tags , , , , , on December 29, 2011 by Bob

It’s true. I am. I must be according to everything that has come out in studies and reports from groups and watch dogs. I did something unthinkable with Tori today. I am ashamed and should be investigated I am sure. No, I did not take her to a seedy establishment (well, we did go to Walmart so that is debatable). I did not hang her over a balcony or swing her around in a crocodile pit. I did not drive to above mentioned establishment with her on my lap (Walmart is really close, I would just let her drive). Neigh, what I did was far more egregious and deplorable.

We had just finished breakfast. I had a yogurt and granola bar, Tori had her usual 136 grain free range organic oatmeal and non-dairy organic keifer yogurt blend. We did our toddler and me yoga class, 25 min of Taoist meditation and recited our multiplication tables before finishing our 45 min study of intermediate Latin. I realized that if we were going to go out in public, that I needed to get in the shower. It was far too early for Tori to take a nap and I couldn’t just leave her on my bed with Piper. I decided the safest place for her would be to sit in her crib while I showered.

I took her into her room and she was giggling as I sang her “C is for Cookie”. I put her down into her crib and as soon as I started to walk out, she started crying. My attempts at soothing her were as futile as resistance to the Borg. I tried Elmo, her giraffe, her binky … nothing worked. I had one last option. I didn’t want to do it, but, I was smelly and running out of options. The small tv that is still in her room from when Jackie was up in the middle of the night nursing was still on Tori’s dresser. I reluctantly turned it to face her crib. I turned it on and put on Dinosaur Train on PBS. She quieted right down, sat and watched while I cleaned up.

I know that showing my toddler television shows will cause her to develop into an anti-social, mass murderer of some sort but I just didn’t have a choice. I know that it is my duty, as a parent in the year 2011-12 to spend every waking minute with my child, not allowing her to figure anything out on her own because that might be dangerous. I know that every parent that raised a child who is alive today was the worst in the world and every adult alive today was raised horribly and will probably cease all brain function within the next 5 years. I got off track there somewhere but the point is, I certainly hope I don’t get arrested for letting my child watch a slightly educational PBS cartoon because I had to shower.

We’re Getting There

Posted in Nonsense, Tori with tags , , , , , , on September 25, 2011 by Bob

In more ways than one.

A) We are getting closer to my vacation time. Right now it feels like a big mistake waiting until the end of the year to take the bulk of my vacation. I know thought that I will think differently once the time comes for me to be away from work though.

B) We are getting closer to the end of the year when I can take a small break from blogging … maybe. I have felt 2 ways about posting every day … exhausted and proud. It is something I make sure I do even when we go out so it is a feeling of accomplishment. Of course there are the days I look at the computer and think … “Crap”

C) We are getting closer to Tori’s 1st birthday. FIRST BIRTHDAY! Holy crap where did the time go?! It literally feels like it was just yesterday that we were bringing her home. It is so true what everyone says that it goes by so fast and to treasure every moment. I really do try to. If I didn’t have this annoying thing called work, I would stay home with her in a heartbeat! I love every little thing she does and I wish we could catch it all. I have seriously considered setting up cameras around that would tape her all the time. Yeah, I could be THAT dad. After all, I need to have a bunch of pictures of her for when she is famous and on Letterman right?

You Don’t Feed A Baby Chili!

Posted in Nonsense, Tori with tags , , , , on January 15, 2011 by Bob

Today and tonight are a first for me. Jackie has left to go on a “girls weekend”. It is the first time that I am going to be left alone with Tori for an extended period of time. It is also my first all night alone with Tori. This should be interesting. I am going to be Mr. Mom for at least one night.

This will be good practice for later in the month when Jackie goes to Texas for 4 days and I am alone with Tori for even longer. Don’t get me wrong; I am not afraid of being the only one here with her. I think that I can manage just fine. The problem is, that my sick, twisted and perverse sense of humor will constantly be thinking about Mr. Mom and wondering what things I can

So tempted to try this!

actually get away with without a) causing long lasting physical or emotional harm to Tori and b) what I can do without Jackie finding out.


I think I might have to watch the movie again today to see if I can come up with some ideas. Granted, I only have one child to care for and she is FAR to young to eat chili. Besides, I know what chili does to me. I KNOW I don’t want to deal with what it will do to her. Hopefully, she will sleep most of the day and I can maybe start taking down the Christmas decorations or do some much needed laundry … or play Playstation and Wii.

In the end, I will more than likely not get anything done because I will be playing with Tori all day. I will NOT dry her bottom over a hand dryer somewhere, and I will not fight with a vacuum cleaner. I don’t think I will do much of anything but watch her since as I am writing this, she is in front of me on her tummy time mat on the floor, trying her damndest to roll over. She has the rolling part but doesn’t seem to know how to straighten her legs to get onto her tummy. SOOO CUTE!

Anyway, gonna wrap this up so I can go and watch her roll and hopefully get it on tape for mommy.

Until next time, remember … “Kenny, don’t paint your sister!”

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