I Can’t Believe I Watched The Whole Thing

But I did it for you, my loyal readers, and those of you who stumbled upon this looking for something relevant. Yes, I watched the entire Oscars broadcast last night. I am deeply regretting that decision today. In my opinion, and apparently the opinions of a lot of others, it was THE worst Oscars show I can remember. I posted on my Facebook page this morning that  I was going to sue the academy to get that time of my life back. I don’t think it will work. I will agree with a friend of mine that commented when he said “Don’t blame the hosts, they did what they do. Both seemed to be themselves… which is the problem.” He said they took actors to do a stand up’s job. They did not do well. James Franco seemed like he did not want to be there and was just going through the motions to get paid. Anne Hathaway was over compensating for Franco’s lack of energy and it got REAL annoying.

 

The academy was pushing for weeks that they were trying to go hip and younger. Hell, the hosts even outright said that during the show last night. It didn’t work. The “hip and younger” academy pulled out Kirk Douglas early on. I didn’t have him on my death watch list this year because I thought he was already dead! His speech didn’t do any favors for the pacing of the show. I know he is like 95 so don’t get on me for picking on him, but for the love of god … let the poor man sit at home with his nurse and enjoy the show. He could hardly be understood and it was just sad to watch Spartacus struggle to stand up and then tell the winner as he handed over the Oscar “be careful, it’s heavy”.

 

Speaking of “He is still alive?”, the academy also brought out Eli Wallach. Why? I missed that part but if they are going for hip and young, let’s NOT bring people out, that the people they are trying to get to watch have to Google to find out who they even are. I am all for recognizing them, just when it takes up 5 minutes of the show for them to walk from the back of the stage to the front. Give them a Segway or something for cryin’ out loud.

 

James Franco dressing in drag and making a Charlie Sheen joke … really?

 

It was good to see Billy Crystal on stage to try to rescue the Oscars. He should have stayed up there. Instead, why bring Bob Hope back to life NOW? It just did not make sense. At least they didn’t make him dance with a vacuum cleaner.

 

Randy Newman … turn up your microphone. Although, you really wouldn’t be able to understand him much better than Kirk Douglas anyway but still. At least make it look like there are professional technicians working the show.

 

I would be remiss if I didn’t miss the omissions from the “In Memoriam” segment. While most of the people in the presentational re probably glad they did not have to listen to Celine Dion singing for them, it was amazing that they did not include Corey Haim, Peter Graves or Betty Garrett. Granted, Betty Garrett died this year but still, how bout a little love for Laverne and Shirley’s land lady.

 

I guess I really don’t understand why we even have to have these things televised. We, as the average person, get no input into the awards, we get nothing for watching them, there are usually little or no surprises, and they just get worse and worse every year. I am glad the actors and crew get recognition but, can’t we just read about it in the paper the next day? Let’s see ABC pick up the contract to televise the Razzies for the next 20 years. Now THAT would be entertainment!

 

Until next time, remember … “My father always told me I would be a late bloomer.”

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And The Winner For Worst Joke At The Oscars Goes To …

The worst joke goes to ...

Almost as predictable as the winners of the Oscars usually are, are the horrible jokes that the hosts and presenters come up with. Every few years you will get a host that actually has some funny things to say, but the presenters very rarely have one funny joke between all of them. So, as a salute to the many awkward moments that we will experience tonight, I thought that I would give a list of jokes that would be better than most of those that will be told at the Oscars. Anne … James … forget what you are thinking, forget what Ricky wrote for you … grab a  few of these and pass them around to the other presenters. They aren’t the best but they will probably be better than anything else tonight.

Q: What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

A: Whatever you want, he can’t hear you!

 

Q: What do you call a zipper on a banana?

A: A fruit fly!

 

Q: Why won’t bikes stand up by themselves?

A: Because they are two tired!

 

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

A: It ran out of juice!

 

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?

A: To prove he wasn’t chicken!

 

Q: What do frogs drink?

A: CROAKa cola!

 

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

A: You’re too small to smoke!

 

Q: What is the easiest thing to part with?

A: A comb!

 

Q: What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry?

A: If you weren’t so sweet we wouldn’t be in this jam!

 

Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses!

 

Until next time, remember … “Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.”

I Knew It!

Welcome friends to Techtainment Tuesday. I have been a little remiss in keeping up with both technology AND entertainment lately so I am going to zip through this relatively quickly today.

Until next time, remember …

Nah, I have a little more than that to write. It is true that I haven’t been keeping up with technology as of late. The only real tech thing I have is that Verizon WILL have an unlimited data plan for their iPhone. I am still not getting one yet. I am still a hater I guess.

In entertainment news … sort of … it looks like I, along with a small handful of others, have been vindicated for not jumping on the Ted “golden voice” Williams bandwagon.

Golden Mug Shots

 

Pretty short stint at rehab for someone who claimed they were clean for 2 years. Hate me all you want but, I always thought there was something fishy. What kind of ticks me off about that though is that someone like that, who lies and makes up stories, gets his chance, and blows it to hell, while people who are also talented but don’t get their breaks because we they don’t have sob stories. Maybe I should pretend I am homeless and then I will get my big break as a cartoon or Muppet voice. Granted, I really haven’t done a whole lot on my end other than making a silly video. What? You haven’t seen it? Well by all means click here then. (Yeah, yeah I whore myself any chance I get)

In other entertainment news … FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ZSA ZSA GIVE UP!!! I am sorry, that is a truly cruel and tasteless thing to say. That is why this blog is not rated G. Seriously though, Is she hanging around to be with her husband who is so incompetent he glued not one, but BOTH of his eyes shut? We would all like to see SOMEONE on the death pool die this year.

Joel McHale is Oprah’s Half sister!! I thought that was one of the funniest tweets I have seen yet. Another funny item was a Facebook post from a friend of mine David, who posted in reaction to the Oprah news “The biiggest secret of all this? Oprah ate the other half.” – Thank you Mr. Mazzie.

Apparently MTV is going to have commercial free programming. Skins is losing all of it’s sponsors. I have heard a rumor that the show will stay on because it will have only one sponsor. Woody Allen will be exclusively advertising his new movies during that show. Wow, that joke is showing my age.

I don’t think I am going to have any input on the Oscars this year, at least not before the show. I may actually do live updates DURING the show this year…maybe. I just haven’t seen enough of the movies that are nominated. I may have to just stick with the Razzies.

One last little bit of tech. Facebook is introducing “sponsored stories”. This means that if you “like” something or mention a brand in your post, the company you mentioned can buy it and use it as an ad. Are they buying it from you? OF COURSE NOT! Facebook gets the money and you lose your special comment. Sounds like a crappy deal to me. If a company wants me to write their advertisements, then they can hire me and pay me to do so. I think I will have to boycott talking about anything on Facebook that might be construed as an advertisement.

Tonight begins day one of the 3 night experiment “Bob alone with the baby”. I did pretty well a couple weekend ago so I think I will do just fine. I am anticipating that no housework will get done, dishes will pile up and I will be partaking in a lot of drive-up window dinners the next few days. This is only due to the fact that Piper, our American Bulldog, has been rather jealous the last few weeks. I am not sure I can play with both of them at the same time quite yet. We shall see what happened. I usually don’t tweet, but there may be a few choice tweets the next few days.

That’s all for now. Until next time, remember … “Sweeeeet poooetaaaaaayyytoooooe”

Oscar Just Ain’t Some Muppet In A Garbage Can

In less than 24 hours, Hollywood will celebrate the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the best that the movie industry had to offer in 2009. The Oscars. Every year the academy gets together and nominates what they think are the best movies and who they think are the best actors. They also throw in all those technical categories as well. Every year there are some surprises, some not so surprises and some total disagreements. Every year, every critic tries to guess the winners. They pick long shots, sure bets and some even pick the long, long shots. Parties are thrown to watch the broadcast, which in itself is sometimes a long shot. I am not inviting you to an Oscar party. I am not going to give my Oscar picks. I am not going to even talk about the movies or actors that are nominated. What I AM going to do however; is give you what I think is needed. I am going to give you what I think Hollywood missed out on.

Without further adieu, below are some of the movies that I think Hollywood SHOULD have made that would have won Oscars.

Best Picture

Eight is Enough: The Movie

A touching story about a newly divorced couple, who while married couldn’t have children  They resorted to fertility drugs. These too failed so they went on a string of 8 reality shows. The movie takes us through the heartwarming story of how reality television destroyed their marriage.

Best Actor

Falcon Heene as The Roaming Gnome in: Rome With Me

An Action packed adventure that has the youngster exploring haunted attics all over Europe

Best Actress

Jaimee Grubbs as herself in: Bedposts and Paparazzi

I really couldn’t make anything up better than what this already is.

Best Original Song

Hoedown Throwdown by Miley Cyrus

Theme from: Jon & Tiger Plus 8 … and Counting

Best Visual Effects

Joan Rivers

Best Live Action Short Film

The Rainbow Connection as sung by Me

Well, those are a few of the movies that I think should have been made and win awards at this years Oscars. I probably won’t actually watch them so someone let me know who actually wins.

Until next time remember … It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.

My Box Is Red … Is That A Good Thing?

Welcome to another riveting, fact filled installment of Techtainment Tuesday. With the Oscars coming up on Sunday, everyone is going to be running out to watch the movies that are nominated and even more so, the movies that win. How will people get these movies? Well, it depends. There are a number of options available to the movie consuming public these days.

Personally, the wife and I mostly get movies on demand from our cable company. The cost isn’t prohibitive since we only rent maybe 1 or 2 movies a month. Because of our low rental rate, getting Netflix is still not something we are ready to spend the money on. Eventually though, we will probably go this route since we can stream Netflix on our PS3 and our Blue-Ray player. Yes, we have both. Impressed?

Speaking of Netflix, that is how I think most Americans are getting their movies these days. They eliminate going to the store and still deliver a physical DVD. Yeah you have to mail them back so there is a little inconvenience.

Believe it or not, Blockbuster and Hollywood Video are still around. Granted, they are closing more and more stores and as I remember the last time I was in one of these brick and mortars, the prices were outrageous. Plus, you have to go to the store, return it on time, yada, yada, yada.

The newest way to rent movies that is sweeping the nation, (maybe not THAT new but still) is Red Box. Now, I have seen this type of thing before for something. It may have been movies. Maybe it was just a fancy gumball machine I saw somewhere, maybe I am thinking of a vend-o-mat with old sandwiches, maybe I am thinking of the condom machine in a gas station bathroom … but I am digressing. Red Box machines seem to be everywhere. They are outside of just about every grocery store, gas station and even Walmart. But, that is also their drawback. The theory is that you can walk up, get your movie quickly. I was at Jewel the other day picking up a few grocery items, and I passed the Red Box machine on my way in. It was later in the day so it was around 32 degrees out. There was a line of about 8 people. Some of them were with small children. I took note of the people at the back of the line.

I went in and purchased my food. It took about 25 min. I left.

I passed the Red box on my way out and the last 3 people were still in line waiting to get their movie. That means they were in line for 25 min, in the cold, waiting for their chance to pick their movie. Now, from what I understand, you can’t even get brand new releases from a Red Box. Yes, the movies are very cheap. Cheaper than going to a Blockbuster, but is standing in the cold for 25 minutes really worth the savings? Me, I would rather avoid frostbite, and pay the extra $2 to browse in a warm building, be able to get the newest releases, buy popcorn (granted if they still sell it, it probably costs more than the movie) and be able to complain to a real human that the prices are too high and the selection sucks. I mean, who can you complain to when you are buying from a machine? Do I want to get my movie and then have to go into the store and stand in line again to get movie style tasty treats? NO! That is just the way I roll I guess. Now, I don’t go to Blockbuster or any of the other places any more anyway so I would not rent from Red Box. I just don’t understand the concept. I guess for that cold, impersonal touch with no one to complain to, then Red Box is the way to go. Thinking about it now, I guess I should maybe try the service before I trash it. If I did that though, I might like it and I wouldn’t have a blog entry for today. So in the spirit of hating on what I haven’t tried … Red Box … BOO! Although I think I have a few valid points. Maybe.

Me, I will be downloading movies soon enough. I will keep renting them from cable. And most of all, I will be one of those supporting the newer technologies by actually buying the physical Blu-ray discs with DVD version and Digital Copy included.

Speaking of digital copies, a Norman clone appeared magically in my car today, surprisingly while I was out at the Lego store. Not sure how it happened. It was really creepy. With that happening, the far northwest Imperial Outpost has been established. The conquest has begun.

That is about it for today. Until next time remember … “nobody twisted your arm to be here. You’re here of your own volition.”