Death Will Be The Exercise Of Me

I was going to go for a nice long walk today at work. I didn’t. My back hurts and I am lazy. Instead, I decided to exercise my brain and bring back the Celebrity Death Watch for 2018.

Of course, to start off the year, I need to make my predictions. I have had varying success over the years. Mostly, if you are a celebrity, and I put you on the list, you will more than likely make it until the following year. In the past, I have had 3 categories. I think we will go with that again. A brief explanation of the categories:

The Vigodas – He was on everyone’s list for years. Although he has passed, we will keep these “They’re still alive?” picks named after him. Mostly these are top picks from years past that are STILL hanging on.

Top Picks – Most likely. Usually on most lists.

Out On A Ledge – Unlikely to happen but … who knows.

I am glad I missed out on my predictions last year because … DAMN! There were so many out of left field that it boggled the mind. Let’s get this started though and move on.

 

The Vigodas – Some new ones added as some old ones have dropped off the list … literally.

Billy Graham – Pushing 100 and still pushing buttons. I think this might be the year.

Kirk Douglas – As of last month he was 101! He’s got himself a younger wife though (98) so she might be too much for him to handle

Ian McKellen – While not as old as the others … have you seen him lately?

Olivia de Havilland – 101 and going strong?

Herman Wouk – 102. I hear he wrote his own obit 4 years ago.

Carol Channing – Amazingly, her voice is getting deeper.

 

Top Picks

Liza Minnelli – While she isn’t that old comparatively, she hasn’t been doing well lately.

Bob Barker – All the spaying and neutering will finally catch up to him.

Stan Lee – I hate to say it but … Excelsior!

Jimmy Carter – The current state of affairs will be just too much.

Mel Brooks – Putting him on so that he’s got at least another year or 2!

Tim Curry – Just a feeling I got.

Pierre Cardin – Fashion is fleeting … right?

Steven Hawking – He has been making some bold statements lately. Thinking he is doing is to laugh at us soon.

 

Out On A Ledge

Charlie Sheen – The odds are stacked against him on so many levels.

Don Johnson – He hasn’t made a record in years.

Axl Rose – Obvious, isn’t it?

Jenny McCarthy – Plastic surgery accident while eating a Wahlburger.

All YouTube “stars” – Big pipe dream on that one but, still …

Hoda Kotb – She will go into withdraw from not being able to drink the first 3 hours of the Today Show

Going to end it here before I start getting into areas that cause WAY too much derision. And before I start using more words like derision. As always, if you have some picks of your own … drop a comment and save them for posterity. We can go back and look at the end of the year!

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I Can’t Believe I Watched The Whole Thing

But I did it for you, my loyal readers, and those of you who stumbled upon this looking for something relevant. Yes, I watched the entire Oscars broadcast last night. I am deeply regretting that decision today. In my opinion, and apparently the opinions of a lot of others, it was THE worst Oscars show I can remember. I posted on my Facebook page this morning that  I was going to sue the academy to get that time of my life back. I don’t think it will work. I will agree with a friend of mine that commented when he said “Don’t blame the hosts, they did what they do. Both seemed to be themselves… which is the problem.” He said they took actors to do a stand up’s job. They did not do well. James Franco seemed like he did not want to be there and was just going through the motions to get paid. Anne Hathaway was over compensating for Franco’s lack of energy and it got REAL annoying.

 

The academy was pushing for weeks that they were trying to go hip and younger. Hell, the hosts even outright said that during the show last night. It didn’t work. The “hip and younger” academy pulled out Kirk Douglas early on. I didn’t have him on my death watch list this year because I thought he was already dead! His speech didn’t do any favors for the pacing of the show. I know he is like 95 so don’t get on me for picking on him, but for the love of god … let the poor man sit at home with his nurse and enjoy the show. He could hardly be understood and it was just sad to watch Spartacus struggle to stand up and then tell the winner as he handed over the Oscar “be careful, it’s heavy”.

 

Speaking of “He is still alive?”, the academy also brought out Eli Wallach. Why? I missed that part but if they are going for hip and young, let’s NOT bring people out, that the people they are trying to get to watch have to Google to find out who they even are. I am all for recognizing them, just when it takes up 5 minutes of the show for them to walk from the back of the stage to the front. Give them a Segway or something for cryin’ out loud.

 

James Franco dressing in drag and making a Charlie Sheen joke … really?

 

It was good to see Billy Crystal on stage to try to rescue the Oscars. He should have stayed up there. Instead, why bring Bob Hope back to life NOW? It just did not make sense. At least they didn’t make him dance with a vacuum cleaner.

 

Randy Newman … turn up your microphone. Although, you really wouldn’t be able to understand him much better than Kirk Douglas anyway but still. At least make it look like there are professional technicians working the show.

 

I would be remiss if I didn’t miss the omissions from the “In Memoriam” segment. While most of the people in the presentational re probably glad they did not have to listen to Celine Dion singing for them, it was amazing that they did not include Corey Haim, Peter Graves or Betty Garrett. Granted, Betty Garrett died this year but still, how bout a little love for Laverne and Shirley’s land lady.

 

I guess I really don’t understand why we even have to have these things televised. We, as the average person, get no input into the awards, we get nothing for watching them, there are usually little or no surprises, and they just get worse and worse every year. I am glad the actors and crew get recognition but, can’t we just read about it in the paper the next day? Let’s see ABC pick up the contract to televise the Razzies for the next 20 years. Now THAT would be entertainment!

 

Until next time, remember … “My father always told me I would be a late bloomer.”