Archive for how to

How To Make Enemies At Work

Posted in Food, How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , on February 17, 2012 by Bob

Yes ladies and gentleman, it is another VIMB “How To” moment. Today’s moment is brought to you by the acrid smell of burnt popcorn as it wafts through the office on a Friday afternoon, making the end of a long and arduous work week all the more needed. So, without further adieu but a large middle finger to the person that does this EVERY week …

How To Make Enemies At Work

  1. Remove the outer plastic wrapper from a bag of microwave popcorn
  2. Unfold bag and place in work-place microwave oven
  3. Press “popcorn” button
  4. After approximately two and a half minutes, when timer ends, press “popcorn button again (alternately you can set the timer for 5 more minutes)
  5. Go back to your desk
  6. When the smoke and smell of failure finally reach your desk, go to microwave and remove your smoldering bag
  7. Place directly into garbage can without dousing in water
  8. Walk away so no one knows it was you
  9. Make new bag of popcorn in microwave oven on other side of office

 

 

How To Get Ready For A Snow Storm

Posted in How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , on January 13, 2012 by Bob

Yes, it is time once again for another fun and informative Voices In My Brain How To Moment! Today we are covering a topic near and dear to the midwest today:

How To Get Ready For A Snow Storm.

1. Embrace the warm weather and decide to do snow blower maintenance

2. Purchase oil, new spark plug for snow blower and a space heater to warm the garage so you can work comfy

3. Annoy neighbors for one and a half hours running the old gas out of the snow blower

4. Turn off snow blower, go inside and have lunch and plan on finishing later

5. Leave car on driveway at night because you never finished later

6. Tell yourself that it isn’t going to snow for a while and put off finishing

7. Wait for 5 weeks until it starts to snow and decide you have to do the work tonight

8. Get stuck in traffic for 2 hours on your way home in the snow. Decide you are too tired to do snow blower and lay on the couch

9. Look out the window in the morning, realize you never bought gas for the blower so that even if you wanted to you couldn’t use it, get in your car and just barrel through the snow.

10. Say “It can wait until the weekend” and continue to make your redneck plowed driveway by driving on it and packing the snow down over and over.

11. Look like the schlub of the neighborhood.

How To Last Minute Christmas Shop

Posted in Holiday, How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , on December 20, 2011 by Bob

Yes my friends, with Christmas fast approaching, the staff here at Voicesinmybrain thought we would lend a hand to the weary shopper who has procrastinated until time has almost run out. We have gathered our combined years of extensive experience and compiled the best things to do when you are last minute shopping. Ok, so it is just me and what I seem to do every year. Take my advice to heart, or discard it like last year’s fruitcake. Either way, I hope you glean some sort of helpful information from another VIMB ‘How To’ moment.

  1. Look at the calendar every day starting the 1st of Dec and tell yourself “I have plenty of time!”
  2. Ignore #1 until Dec 20th and then when you get to work and realize the date say “Oh Crap!” loud enough for co-workers to hear.
  3. Forgo lunch the next 3 days as you run from store to store trying to find that perfect gift that everyone is sold out of by now.
  4. Try shopping online but realize shipping will be 3 times as much as the gift in order to get it in time.
  5. With 2 days left, check the “Seasonal” isles at Walgreens, CVS, Jewel etc. Find no gift but get enough candy for stocking stuffers
  6. With 1 day s left, go into panic mode, run to each store you previously went to before. Buy sizes that don’t fit, and damaged items with hopes they will be back in stock when it is time for returns and exchanges.
  7. On Christmas Eve, realize that your gifts suck, stop at a gas station and buy everyone a bottle of booze and some scratch off lottery tickets.
  8. On Christmas morning, realize it is not about the gifts and it is about family and togetherness and all that sappy stuff and enjoy the day. (Sorry, had to end it on a high note. It’s Christmas after all!)

Another VIMB How To Moment

Posted in How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2011 by Bob

Once again, we here at Voicesinmybrain wish to help our fellow man with helpful tips to improve your holidays. Today, we here are VIMB want to help with our information on: How To Use Your Saturday To Finally Put Up Christmas Decorations.

– Wake up with plans to go to breakfast

– Wake up late

– Go to breakfast while your new glasses are being made

– Go to Walmart after picking up your glasses

– Go to Babies R Us

– While at Babies R Us, change baby’s clothes because she peed so much it totally overflowed her diaper.

– Head to Costco but stop at Sonic for a refreshing beverage.

– On way to Costco, look in rear view mirror to see baby holding her nose, telling you that she pooped.

– When almost at Costco, realize that you can’t change baby yet because you have to go home for your membership card that you took out of your wallet when you went to Vegas because a pick pocket is really going to did on that Costco card.

– Get home, change baby and baby’s clothes AGAIN because of the longer wait she blew out a bit.

– With baby in her 3rd outfit of the day, go to Costco for the 2 things you needed, walk out with 15 things you don’t need.

– Get home, unload the car, eat dinner, catch up on TV on the DVR.

– Realize you have been watching TV all night, it is 11:15 p.m. and you haven’t blogged yet.

– Come up with a crazy blog idea and try to type while watching Alec Baldwin make fun of his flight “incident” this past week and wonder if he is insane or brilliant for doing so.

– Include Alec Baldwin bit in your blog.

– Look at the clock and realize that it is 11:45 p.m. and your blog post is finished but you have totally forgotten about the Christmas decorations which is what your whole day was supposed to be about.

– Go to bed and hope you can get something done tomorrow.

 

 

How To Decorate For The Holidays

Posted in Holiday, How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , on November 13, 2011 by Bob

Here at Voices In My Brain, we are normally vehemently opposed to any Christmas decorations going up before Thanksgiving. I have done well in the past adhering to this myself. I have often times regretted my decision to wait due to the wind and cold. I feel though that those hardships are what the decorating is all about. You go outside, decorate, freeze and then come in and enjoy the fire and some hot cocoa … or bourbon.

This year, I am going to be packing to go to Vegas on Thanksgiving weekend (yes, I will pack the whole weekend … don’t judge) so today I decided that this nice warm but windy weekend would be ideal to get ahead of schedule, even if I didn’t turn on the lights.

So, in order to help all of you who are thinking of decorating early … Voiceinmybrain presents, How To Decorate For The Holidays.

1. Plan on getting up super early to get all the decorations out of the basement.

2. Look at your alarm clock, and sleep an extra 2 hours.

3. Finally get up, put on some clothes and head down to ge the decorations out of the basement.

4. Stop in the kitchen, make coffee, eat breakfast, drink coffee.

5. Watch a DRVed show from earlier in the week while you drink your coffee.

6. Go out onto the deck and stack the patio furniture that is blowing around due to the 50 m.p.h. wind gusts.

7. Go down to the basement, start pulling out the decorations, realize it is time for the baby’s nap, go upstairs and put her to bed.

8. Watch another recorded show because you don’t want to wake the baby.

9. Feed the baby when she wakes up.

10. Play with the baby while the wife does some work.

11. Realize that it is dark outside and too late to do any decorations. Order a pizza and call it a night.

12. Plan to try again next weekend.

How To Moment Once Again

Posted in How To, Nonsense, Tori with tags , , , , , , , on October 16, 2011 by Bob

For those of you that are friends of mine, or subscribe to me on Facebook, you can guess what today’s How To moment will pertain to. Here at Voicesinmybrain we like to think we can handle anything. Today, we found out that we can handle “almost” anything. Those with delicate constitutions may want to protect themselves from this post or have a reliable partner sensor before you read.

How To Change A Baby With A Blowout

1. Walk to baby in the high chair and find out why she is crying so loud.

2. As you are walking up to baby, notice that “it” has come out everywhere (and I mean EVERYWHERE).

3. Start cursing loudly with incredulous disbelief.

4. Grab baby and lift her out of chair … carefully.

5. Run upstairs with baby and put her in the tub.

6. Turn on shower and hose her off while still in her clothes.

7. Continue running water until water runs clear.

8. Take clothes off of baby, keep rinsing baby off.

9. Call for wife to finish washing baby.

10. Wash your own clothes that got dirty.

11. Throw the high chair away.

How To: Enjoy A Festival

Posted in How To, Nonsense, Tori with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2011 by Bob

That’s right, it’s another VIMB “How To” moment.

Today, we bring you “How to enjoy a festival”.

1. Find a festival

2. Make sure that your daughter’s godfather is in the band that is playing.

3. Wrap your baby up in a bunch of clothes if it is cold

4. Eat plenty of what I like to call “carny food”

5. have a beer

6. Give the baby to your wife.

7. Have a beer.

8. Have a Beer.

9. Have a funnel cake.

10. Have a beer.

11. Have the wife drive home.

12. When you get home, blog a “how to” list and promote your daughter’s godfather’s band … The Modern Day Romeos!

Another VIMB ‘How To’ Moment

Posted in Holiday, How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , on May 28, 2011 by Bob

While it is true I am on vacation this weekend, I did not want to leave you all out in the cold. So, here is a vacation related “How To” moment.

Voicesimmybrain presents, How to pack for a vacation

1. Spend 4 days washing all of the laundry you think you might want to take

2. Buy travel sized bottles of everything

3. Make a list of everything you are going to take so you don’t forget anything

4. Leave the list at work when you leave on the last day before your vacation. Curse profusely.

5. Lay out all your folded clothes, cameras, baby supplies, toiletries and everything else on the list that you called someone at the office and had them scan and email to you

6. Realize that it will take 3 suitcases and 4 carry on bags to fit everything you want to take

7. Secondarily realize that to check all your bags will cost more than the plane ticket itself.

8. Say screw it and leave all your bags at home and just stop at the closest Walmart after your plane lands.

I’m Feeling A Little Deflated

Posted in How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2011 by Bob

It seems my crusade to unseat Charlie Sheen as the biggest twit has fallen on deaf ears. That’s ok though. I am not sure that I thought that through too well.

To make up for it, are you ready? Voicesinmybrain.com presents:

How To Change A Flat Tire

Step 1 – Get out of car, kick tire and curse at it

Step 2 – Take out your cell phone

Step 3 – Call AAA

Step 4 – Get back in your car and wait with your clean clothes and clean hands.

 

Until next time, remember … “I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.”

Another ‘How To’ Moment

Posted in How To, Nonsense with tags , , , , on March 6, 2011 by Bob

Once again it is time for a Voicesinmybrain ‘How To’. I still have to come up with a good title for this little segment so if anyone has any creative suggestions, feel free.

Voicesinmybrain.com presents (by popular request):

How To Use Your Turn Signal

Step 1 – lift your arm toward the steering column

Step 2 – Flick the turn signal up or down

Step 3 – Turn signal should turn off automatically after turn

Disclaimer: If you over 70 or talk on a cell phone, please turn your turn signal off manually by reversing the steps above. The steps listed above are for most cars. Some slight differences may be present. If you are a douche bag, just concentrate on USING your turn signal and not HOW you are using it.

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