An Open Letter

Dear lottery officials,

For a number of years I have been faithfully contributing to your games of chance. For those that contribute to “school funds”, I have put approximately 14.7 children through K-8, have purchased 2.5 classroom renovations, 9  4-square balls and 3 filmstrips of “The Hobbit”. (I have been buying lottery tickets for a long time). Due to this loyalty, I feel that it is time that you kindly reciprocate with a winning ticket larger than $3. I am not being greedy, I do not need the multiple millions, although that WOULD be nice, I just need say $250k or so … to pay off the house and cars.

If you find it in your benevolent heart to indeed bestow upon me anything over say 20 mil, I promise that I would use a portion of that toward a worthy charity such as a no-kill slug shelter, or perhaps support rehab for ferrets addicted to crack. I would still work and I would still earn a respectable wage so that I would not be a drain on my savings. I do not feel that I am asking for too much based on my years of investment in the realization of other people’s dreams.

Thank you and I look forward to the little scanner at the 7-11 telling me that I have won.

Cordially,

Me

If this letter does not reach the lottery officials, then I address the following to Seth MacFarlane, Matt Groening, Seth Green and the voice talent casting directors at Disney, Warner Bros. and any other animation studio.

HIRE ME! I WANT TO BE A CARTOON!

 

Thank you and good night.

Advertisement

Time To Sell Myself

You read that right. It is time for me to sell my talents on the open market. We recently had some un-anticipated daycare changes come down the pike and we are realizing that day care in this country is INSANELY expensive. I was thinking of maybe hiring a live-in au pair … but there are sooo many reasons and movies of the week that show why that would not work.

Anyhoo, I have decided that one of two things have to happen. Either …

A) We need to find out how to get Tori into child modeling. Perhaps she is cute enough that she could pay for her own day care and I could just quit work and be her agent. And just to be clear, this would NOT be toddlers in tiaras! I am talking about like clothing ads or some cute tv commercial would be ok. NOT runways and fake tans and all that creepy JonBenét Ramsey crap. Only problem is, we have no clue how to get her into that in a reputable way. Oh well.

Or

B) I need to sell my goofy voice talents. If this were still the 80s I would be set selling celebrity impersonation answering machine messages. That really doesn’t work these days with no answering machines. Even voice mail is not a cash cow because most people just text. No one even calls anyone anymore. So, I am left with hoping that I get a real cool vice over job out of the blue that will pay me some extra cash. Of course it would be nice if I got a job as a cartoon that would allow me to just do that for a living. I know, I need to go out and give it a go! It’s the old catch 22 situation. Gotta work to pay the bills so I can’t take the time and what not to pursue being a cartoon.

So, if anyone knows of any modeling gigs for Tori, or any voice over gigs for me, let me know. I don’t think Seth MacFarlane or Matt Groening will be calling me anytime soon. (but if they happen to come here to my site, Seth, Matt, please watch the video below and see if you need me for anything. I can do more voices than just these, there are a LOT in my brain) Yeah, I am shamelessly whoring myself out again. I haven’t done it in a while.

Did You Know?

Did you know …

– That if you have your fridge too cold, and you leave the milk in the back, it does NOT turn into ice cream?

– If you let your dog stay out in the sun for more than 5 minutes, she really smells?

– If you are out of shape, you should NOT make 57 trips up and down stairs cleaning out the basement?

– The theme for Spiderman should not be sung to the theme from the 60’s Batman?

– Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men are funny things to watch?

– I was watching Family Guy while writing this?

– It has been 7 months and I have only missed 2 days of writing this?

– I still hate mowing the lawn?

– The Goonies is a cool movie?

– I am going to be sooooo sore tomorrow?

 

My God I’m A Tomato!

That title has nothing to do with anything. Neither does this post. I am trying to get back to my rambling roots.

Jackie and I somehow got on the topic of Dig ’em Frog and whether or not the cereal was Sugar Smacks or Honey Smacks. I looked it up. It was called both. First Sugar, then Honey. There were many mascots including a clown, a bear and Quick Draw McGraw.

I like them whatever they are called. Then I thought of the Family Guy episode with the below:

<iframe width=”425″ height=”349″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/mu6Jla3vwWo?rel=0&#8243; frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen>

I just think it is funny. I love Mayor West and wanted an excuse to post the video of him. Maybe I will talk about Trix tomorrow and do the funny Family Guy Trix commercial.

How about another Mayor West video, just because.

 

Wow … I Could Really Use A Distraction

Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty …

Until next time, remember … “Scuzie? Babadabupi ?!”

Who’s Family Is This For Anyway?

There is a question that has been floating around in my head for quite a while. Who are the “families” that ABC Family is supposedly programmed for? When the cable network first started, it was billed as a safe place for families to watch “family” programming. I want to know what kind of families they are catering to. It must be the dysfunctional families that are devoid of many “family values”.

Let’s take a look at the kind of shows that are on “ABC Family” shall we?

Pretty Little Liars – A show about … pretty little liars. Girls that LIE to get what they want. The whole show is about lying. Good example.

The Secret Life Of The American Teenager – The entire premise is about teenagers getting pregnant and not telling anyone. Again, great moral compass there.

Greek – Show unrealistic Greek life on a college campus. This will lead to all kids wanting to join a frat and then flunk out of school.

Huge – A show about fat kids and how you can make fun of them.

These are just a few. In addition to that, they show Funniest Home Videos and re-runs of Full House, both of which should not be on television anymore.

I just don’t see how these shows are wholesome family fare. I would stick with such family themed shows like Family Guy. At least they don’t try to pretend to be something that they aren’t.

Until next time, remember … “I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.”

Loves Me A Date Day

Today was date day for me and the wife. Jackie’s mom watched Tori al day for us so we were able to go to the Museum of Science and Industry to take in the second to last day of the Jim Henson exhibit. After that we went out to dinner, did our standard, ever romantic, Wal-Mart trip. We then picked up our Bug, came home and are getting ready to watch a movie. I figured I had time to recap the day while Jackie changed Tori and got her ready for bed.

First off, the Jim Henson exhibit was awesome. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it had a number of his original sketches and histories of his early days, there were Muppets and people looking at me strangely when I did the voice of every Muppet they had on display (what a good time to pimp my YouTube video of me singing The Rainbow Connection in Muppet Voices) … I was like a little kid. I even paid the outrageously high price for the picture of Jackie and I in front of the Muppet wall at the entrance. Yeah … Just like a tourist.

The one thing that I was a little saddened by was that you couldn’t take pictures. I would have tried to sneak a few, but I did NOT want to get kicked out and that would have been my luck. I did get a picture with one of my favs though.

 

Well, not exactly “with” him. The exhibit was closed already and these were through the glass.

 

We did get to check out a few of the other exhibits too. The MSI is just such a cool place that it is impossible to see everything properly in one day. But we did see planes, trains and automobiles, space stuff, robots, a fairy castle and oh yeah …. Chicks Man. (Joel McHale would be so jealous … maybe not)

Chicks Man

 

Well, the baby is in bed and it is time to watch the third installment of Family Guy’s take on Start Wars – It’s A Trap. May the force be with you and until next time, remember … “Life’s like a movie, write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending.”

As Soon As It Starts, It’s Over For Some

I am taking about the new fall TV schedule. Admittedly, I have been as much of a slacker trying to watch some of the new and old premiers as I have been of writing lately but … such is life when you are preparing for the arrival of a new one. (yeah, I have no shame using the soon to be baby as an excuse)

I was going to actually write this yesterday but circumstances prevented to, we get a nice Entertainment Wednesday. No tech other than I watched most of these on DVR.

I don’t watch all the shows and there are some I have never watched so I don’t watch the new season and you probably don’t care. However, here is my take on what has started so far. There is no particular order in these other than it is how they pop into my mind and I remember them. Also, I am not going to say when they are on because I DVR most shows and can’t remember. I might get the network right if I am lucky.

Lonestar – Fox – We watched the first episode of this show last week. It is about a father and son con-man team. The son is the best there ever was, he has a wife, a girlfriend, is trying to bilk a major corporation … yada yada. I was “meh” about this as we watched the first episode. Jackie and I both wondered how they would make an entire series out of the premise they started. We have yet to watch the second episode from this week, and wondering if we should even bother since it was canceled yesterday. Guess there were a lot of people that thought the same as we did.

Hell’s Kitchen – Fox – It was good to see Gordon Ramsey back to his acerbic self after watching him be a nice guy during Master Chef. Although I think that the censor button is going to get a major workout this season. I think that the producers this year have borrowed the casting directors from American Idol audition week. There have always been a number of “chefs” that you look at and think, “They are gone in the next 2 weeks tops” but this season, I actually feel embarrassed for the majority of the contestants. I don’t see how any of these clowns can be a fry cook at McDonalds much less a head chef. I so very much hope that Raj is gone tonight. YIKES is all I can say about that karate kid.

Raising Hope – Fox – (I seem to watch a lot of shows on Fox don’t I?) I had high hopes for this show. From the creators of My Name is Earl, the commercials seemed to have a good feel. A “white trash” type kid has a one nighter with a serial murder in the back of his van and 9 months later finds out he is the baby daddy right before she gets the chair. He has no clue what to do and his mom and dad are no help. A few sight gags in the first episode were fairly amusing. Cloris Leachman as an Alzheimer suffering grandmother has some good lines now and then. We watched 2 episodes. Don’t think we are going to waste the DVR space with any more. I have a feeling it might follow Lonestar soon.

Family Guy – Fox (again) – I SWEAR I DO NOT GET PAID BY FOX OR ANYONE ELSE! I LOVE Family guy. Any cartoon that can make even me feel uncomfortable sometimes with its irreverence is fun to me. This season’s premier was in the great vein of murder mysteries. I thought it reminded me a little of Murder By Death. It was good to see James “ooo a piece of candy” Woods finally SPOILER ALERT get bumped off. However, there were a few twists that I am curious to see if they carry through in the season, or if they were just a separate story line that they will ignore later. MORE SPOILER ALERTS Mort’s wife died. Gillian’s husband died. James Woods Died. Diane Simmons is the murderer. Will they be back to life later? Are they gone forever Ollie … what do you think? “THEY ALL DEAD!” Thank you Ollie.

Desperate Housewives – ABC – Wife watches. She loves it. My opinion … an we have a bigger plane crash next season? PLEASE!  There were amusing moments in the past but I think the show has run its course.

Brothers & Sisters – ABC – Another of the wife’s favs. Can we have a BIGGER car crash? I paid bills when it was on. Robe Lowe left the series last season and they can’t even have the decency to kill him off. He is in a coma, which says to me that the network is thinking “leave him in the coma long enough that the people watching will forget who played him and then in soap opera fashion we can bring him back to life with another actor.” Yeah … whatever.

House – Do I have to say what network? – House and Cuddy. Good! About time. I will say though that if they keep them in a stable relationship the tension that kept the show fun is gone. Look back at ANY show where the couples eventually got together. It ended the series.

Bones – They are keeping them apart! YAY! The series will go on. Still waiting to see how the series goes this season. The opener I thought was kinda lame but …. Who am I?

Glee – Although I am not a “Gleek” I will admit that I like the show. I think it is starting to get a little forced. We shall see. I will say that the bitchier they make Rachel, the more I loathe her character and don’t like watching her. I felt the same way as Seinfeld dragged on and George got whinier and whinier. Couldn’t watch him.

Stargate Universe –  I have to throw in a Sci Fi show on SyFy. Despite what some have said about this darker Stargate installment, I like it. I feel the storyline is well developed and the characters are a little deeper. It doesn’t have the same elements of “fun” that the other series had but it is still god.

Well, that is about it for today. I know, not real great and kind of a lazy post but this is what it may be until after the baby is born, and then you will have to deal with me talking about her 🙂

I might throw out some reviews of other shows as I get to them.

Until next time, remember … “there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to look the potato of injustice right in the eye.”

I Know What I Promised

So, I am sure the hundreds of you out there that tune in religiously to my blog are asking yourselves “What happened to the promised blog about the importance of monkeys in the development of modern music?” I didn’t write it. There were a couple reasons: A) I pretty much didn’t do ANYTHING after work yesterday except try to stay awake long enough to watch PSYCH.  B) I thought about it more and realized that if I had written what I wanted to write about, then even I would have questioned why I know so much about “Boy Bands”. Don’t ask.

The first manufactured boy band

Why am I telling you this? Why am I calling myself out? Why am I using up my lunch hour typing this? Why am I admitting an unhealthy knowledge about boy bands? Well, I was reading Kapgar’s Snippet Wednesday last night and I feel as I am dangerously close to fitting into the category of bloggers that he called out last night as having “given up” on blogging. At the start of the year, I had promised 3 posts a week. Even offered an incentive to readers so that I would keep myself honest. Over the last few months, I have failed in that promise. I have let down my legions of fans. (do ten readers make up a legion or for that matter make them fans?) I have been remiss in my writing duties. I have left at least 4 of you with an empty void, needing to be filled with meaningless minutia and incoherent ramblings that bring an unadulterated joy to your lives each day that I post. Furthermore, “I did gagoogidy that girl. I gashmoygadied her gaflavity with my googus. And I am sorry.” But I digress.

As I said the other day, I would like to blame my writing on preparations for the baby, writer’s block or something else … but I can’t. Just ask anyone I talk to on a daily basis; I have PLENTY of nonsense I could write about. God knows I talk about it all day.

Anyhoo, I have a request for you … my readers, my fellow bloggers, my friends, and those of you who I pay to artificially inflate the stats on my blog. I need challenges. I need bizarre ideas for my posts. I am not necessarily looking for topics. Although, if it is something I would have to totally make up, and BS my way through, it might be fun. Someone already gave me one idea I like that I am considering. What I am looking for is wacky stuff. Like … writing the entire blog phonetically, or using no vowels … such craziness as that, but MORE challenging! I already have a few ideas but I want MORE!!!

EVERY idea will be attempted. Remember, this is YOUR chance to try and make me seem more foolish and crazy than I already do on my own. I might even make this into a contest, voted on by you. (I wanted the Blagojevich jury but they aren’t releasing the names) I am thinking maybe some free tickets to Santa’s Village. Fun stuff huh? Huh?

Jackie has never been to a drive-in movie.  I am thinking that her first experience with the super big screen should be in a few weeks. The drive-in by us is having a weekend throwback series of older movies. I am thinking that her first drive-in should be during the Monty Python weekend. Life of Brian and Holy Grail on the super huge screen. Thinking we may have to go even if we see something before that.

Well, that is all for today, remember to get me those ideas and I will be back soon with all kinds of fun stuff. Until next time remember … “you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.”