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New Calendar Approved

Posted in Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , on May 11, 2011 by Bob

In Zurich today, the International Academy For Date and Time Keeping approved the addition of 4 more months to the standard 12 month calendar. The reason behind the addition was because of Facebook a spokesman for the academy said.

“because of all the new ‘Awareness’ weeks that Facebook has added, we found that there weren’t enough weeks in the year. With these new months, we should have enough weeks for the next 3.5 years.”

The new months have not yet been named and it has not been decided where the new months will be added. It is not thought that the additional months will affect the seasons or the rotation of the earth in any way.

The new calendar will be celebrated in the first week of August with a new Calendar Awareness Week.

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6 Days Under The Weather And The Grass Keeps Growing

Posted in Nonsense with tags , , , on May 5, 2011 by Bob

I am 6 days into my cold. I thought it was allergies at first and maybe it was, but now I am convinced that it is a full blown head cold. My ears have clogged, and the draining has caused so much coughing that now it feels like it has moved into my chest. The worst part is that I can’t get enough energy or stop coughing enough to mow the lawn.

If you are a Facebook friend of mine, you may have seen my offers to pay someone to mow my lawn. Nobody has taken me up on it. I am hoping to get to it tomorrow if I am feeling better. If I am not, then I apologize to my neighbors for the “natural landscaping” of my yard. If I can’t get it this weekend, I WILL be calling someone to cut it. The odd thing is, I get 900 offers on my door to mow our lawn EXCEPT for the week I need it. Then I get none. Oh well.

Time to hit the Nyquil. Have a great night all.

What Did You Just Say?

Posted in Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2011 by Bob

I know a lot of people have written, talked, discussed and bitched about today’s topic. I may have even written about it before, but I have to again. I am going to admit that I am NOT the best with grammar. A lot of my posts prove that. HOWEVER, I take great umbrage when people who are supposed to be “professionals” don’t know how to use the English language in its simplest forms.

What sparked this rage you ask? I was watching some videos online at work (yes, it IS part of my job), and the
“professional” host of this particular webisode I was watching kept saying “valentimes day”. Not once, not twice, but EVERY time he said it. I even jacked up the volume and replayed to see if I heard him correctly. I did. This guy supposedly wrote a book.

Later that afternoon, I was talking to someone else and they said “irregardless”. Really?

It pains me to go on Facebook every day because of the utter disregard for the whole “there, their and they’re” fiasco. I am also really upset that Twitter and texting have devolved our language into sound alike groupings of letters that were once relegated to snappy license plates. I actually read something on facebook the other day that was talking about language, or growing as a person or some such thing, and “ur” was plastered throughout. It was on facebook! It’s not like there is a character limit!

UC 2 really annoy ppl. I might start talking like that IRL. WDYT? Would it work? Or is it just MHO?

I understand that sometimes the abbreviations are ok, but only when space savings is needed.

It isn’t just the abbreviating that drives me nuts, it is people just using the wrong words all together. Or should I say “alltogether”? I no people do that alot. and I really wish they wood stop. I don’t care that much accept the affect that it illicits makes it hard for me to breath. I know that most people think that is is just an allusion, that it doesn’t really happen that much. That you don’t see it on any proper stationery. I expect this fact as the norm. Why than do so many people write like this, rather then the right way? Who nose.

I just know that I am going to expect that my children learn the correct usage of words. I am buying every episode of Schoolhouse Rock for my daughter AND my niece. Hopefully when they are old enough to tweet and facebook, or whatever is around then, they will know how to cite the correct site when they complement their projects earning a compliment on their work.

My brain now hurts, so, until next time, remember … “A noun’s a special kind of word, It’s any name you ever heard, I find it quite interesting, A noun’s a person, place, or thing.”

Get Me Some Salve, I Might Be Viral

Posted in Music, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2011 by Bob

Ok, so I even kinda grossed myself out with that title but it made ya wonder and read some more didn’t it? As most of you know, through my shameless plugging as self promotion, that I did a video of me singing the Rainbow Connection from the Muppet Movie. I sang it with like 10 or 12 different Muppet voices. If you haven’t see the video, you can view it HERE. Well, some people at work decided they wanted to have fun with it.

I work at an interactive advertising agency, which means we do things for the web. My video has been up on YouTube for about a year, but all of a sudden a few of them decided they wanted to do a social media experiment and use my video. They want to see what they can do to make older content go viral in a short time. They are sending it out, sharing links, will be updating tagging, yada, yada, yackity schmackity. They want to make me famous. Which in turn might get me voice over work. Which in turn would be good PR for the company. Which in turn MIGHT get everyone who made me go viral a nice raise. Maybe not that last part.

I am interested to see what happens. I have to admit it would be REALLY cool to get in the million views range. It would be even cooler to get a job as a cartoon voice, or just to do some voice over work in general. I don’t have a golden voice but I am also not living on a street corner and don’t need rehab.

So, if you want to be part of making me the next viral sensation and making me famous for all of 30 seconds per video clip show, link to the above video from anywhere you can. Post it on Facebook, Tweet the link, Digg it, StumbleUpon it, share it on whatever other sites. Share it from the bottom of this post. You even have full permission to repost this blog entry. Do whatever you have to do to make me a viral sensation. I am confident it can be done. Granted, I am not the most talented person out there, but there are a WHOLE lot of people with FAR less talent getting famous and rich for no reason. And no … I am NOT going to make a sex tape to be famous.

Stay tuned over the next few days and weeks to se how we are doing. Actually, if we succeed, you shouldn’t have to look for updates here.

Until next time, remember … “we don’t want to be happy, we want to be famous!”

I Knew It!

Posted in Nonsense, Tech Stuff, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2011 by Bob

Welcome friends to Techtainment Tuesday. I have been a little remiss in keeping up with both technology AND entertainment lately so I am going to zip through this relatively quickly today.

Until next time, remember …

Nah, I have a little more than that to write. It is true that I haven’t been keeping up with technology as of late. The only real tech thing I have is that Verizon WILL have an unlimited data plan for their iPhone. I am still not getting one yet. I am still a hater I guess.

In entertainment news … sort of … it looks like I, along with a small handful of others, have been vindicated for not jumping on the Ted “golden voice” Williams bandwagon.

Golden Mug Shots

 

Pretty short stint at rehab for someone who claimed they were clean for 2 years. Hate me all you want but, I always thought there was something fishy. What kind of ticks me off about that though is that someone like that, who lies and makes up stories, gets his chance, and blows it to hell, while people who are also talented but don’t get their breaks because we they don’t have sob stories. Maybe I should pretend I am homeless and then I will get my big break as a cartoon or Muppet voice. Granted, I really haven’t done a whole lot on my end other than making a silly video. What? You haven’t seen it? Well by all means click here then. (Yeah, yeah I whore myself any chance I get)

In other entertainment news … FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ZSA ZSA GIVE UP!!! I am sorry, that is a truly cruel and tasteless thing to say. That is why this blog is not rated G. Seriously though, Is she hanging around to be with her husband who is so incompetent he glued not one, but BOTH of his eyes shut? We would all like to see SOMEONE on the death pool die this year.

Joel McHale is Oprah’s Half sister!! I thought that was one of the funniest tweets I have seen yet. Another funny item was a Facebook post from a friend of mine David, who posted in reaction to the Oprah news “The biiggest secret of all this? Oprah ate the other half.” – Thank you Mr. Mazzie.

Apparently MTV is going to have commercial free programming. Skins is losing all of it’s sponsors. I have heard a rumor that the show will stay on because it will have only one sponsor. Woody Allen will be exclusively advertising his new movies during that show. Wow, that joke is showing my age.

I don’t think I am going to have any input on the Oscars this year, at least not before the show. I may actually do live updates DURING the show this year…maybe. I just haven’t seen enough of the movies that are nominated. I may have to just stick with the Razzies.

One last little bit of tech. Facebook is introducing “sponsored stories”. This means that if you “like” something or mention a brand in your post, the company you mentioned can buy it and use it as an ad. Are they buying it from you? OF COURSE NOT! Facebook gets the money and you lose your special comment. Sounds like a crappy deal to me. If a company wants me to write their advertisements, then they can hire me and pay me to do so. I think I will have to boycott talking about anything on Facebook that might be construed as an advertisement.

Tonight begins day one of the 3 night experiment “Bob alone with the baby”. I did pretty well a couple weekend ago so I think I will do just fine. I am anticipating that no housework will get done, dishes will pile up and I will be partaking in a lot of drive-up window dinners the next few days. This is only due to the fact that Piper, our American Bulldog, has been rather jealous the last few weeks. I am not sure I can play with both of them at the same time quite yet. We shall see what happened. I usually don’t tweet, but there may be a few choice tweets the next few days.

That’s all for now. Until next time, remember … “Sweeeeet poooetaaaaaayyytoooooe”

I Need To Clean My Crystal Ball

Posted in Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2011 by Bob

What a year it was. Yes, it is now the 4th day of the new year and I am just NOW getting my predictions up for the new year. I have been sitting on this for almost a full week already so I figured it is time to get it up. This is my explanation for not rewriting the following in order to make it up to date … I know it isn’t 2011 quite yet, but I think I am safe to review my predictions from last year. Not only do I think that none of my predictions will come true within the next day, but I also have a few things to post within the next few days so I need to get a jump on it. Looking back on my predictions from the beginning of the year, I realize that I really didn’t do all that great with my predictions. You can look back at what I got wrong on your own, but here are a few highlights.

• Michael Jackson IS still dead

• I DID indeed give up on a number of my resolutions by March

• My Facebook prediction came close, but they were short by I think 2 redesigns

• Christmas shopping DID indeed start early, but not quite April as I had predicted

• Unfortunately, Ryan Seacrest is still around

• The CUBS did NOT win the World Series

 

I did however realize that 20 predictions was a very daunting task. This year, I think I am going to go a little simpler and by not stretching my clairvoyance, I may be a little more accurate. So, here are my predictions for 2011 in no particular order:

1.     Brett Favre will FINALLY retire from the NFL after getting an offer from Vivid Entertainment to star in a remake of “You’ve Got Male” that will be distributed solely via SMS.

2.     San Francisco will ban all food and food additives.

3.     Ryan Seacrest’s new catch phrase will be “ Hi, I am Ryan Seacrest … denture wearer”

4.     In a surprise acquisition, Google will buy Apple and Steve Jobs will go to work for Adobe.

5.     We will find out that Facebook IS indeed the devil and an entire new religion will spring up to combat it’s power over individuals.

6.     “The Cloud” will become the most hated word of the year replacing “whatever” at the top of the list. People will start calling it “the internet” again.

7.     As popular as it is, The Walking Dead will change focus, but the writers have yet to “flesh” out their ideas.

8.     Android phones will actually become self-aware and attempt to take over the world. Emilio Estevez will save us all and in turn, resurrect his career.

9.     The world will NOT end on May 21 of this year. It will actually end in late October due to the #10 prediction.

10.  Cubs win the World Series!!!!

 

 

 

There they are. I know a few are kind of lame but I am tired. Let’s see how I end up doing this year. Until next time, remember … “I’ve been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.”

Confucius Say …

Posted in Food, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by Bob

A few days ago, Jackie and I ordered Chinese food. Really nothing to alert the media about, however, it got me to thinking about something, the venerable fortune cookie.

For thousands of years (or for however long there have been fortune cookies) the same fortunes have been recycled over and over again. Cookie manufacturers have thrown in some excitement by teaching you a new word in Chinese or giving you your lucky numbers. (btw, I have played those lucky numbers in the lottery and they got me bupkis!)

To add even more variety to the lame fortunes, people started reading them and adding “in bed” to the end. Sometimes that makes for a very amusing fortune other times it leads to a fortune that will NEVER happen. Guys, you know the fortunes I mean.

ANYhoooo, I think it is high time to change the face of fortune cookies. We need to get rid of the lame fortunes like the below: (amended of course)

• A friend asks only for your time not your money … in bed

• Curiosity kills boredom. Nothing can kill curiosity … in bed

• In order to take, one must first give … in bed

I want to start my own fortune cookie fortune company. How hard can it be? I think that the fortunes REALLY need to seem like they are telling your fortune. Either that, or just some things that would make you do a double take. I have heard legend tell of cookies out there that actually have fortunes like the ones I am proposing. I have never seen these so I am to assume they either truly are legend, or there are not enough of them. Here are some of the fortunes that I am suggesting:

• “MEOW”

• Your car is on fire

• Yes, that itching is what you think it is

• No, she wasn’t 18

• We just cloned your credit card

• Dave Grohl is waiting for you in your bed

• Facebook will be gone in 5 years

You get the idea. I would love for people to send me some fortunes they would like to see. If my company ever gets off the ground, I will pay you if I use them. Yeah…pay you.

 

You read me rant about it last year so you know my feelings on xmas in the stores after Halloween. On my way home from work last week I saw a house that already had ALL of the xmas decorations up. AND THEY WERE LIT TOO!!! Come on people! I know the weather was nice but November 11th?!?! If you are going to put your decorations out this early … DO NOT light them, inflate them, animate them or otherwise call attention to them when it is pushing 70 degrees in Chicago!!!!

 

That’s about it for now. Until next time, remember what my good friend Charlie Chan used to say … “One small wind can raise much dust.” IN BED!

Look … I Am Right Here … Right Now … Aren’t You Glad I Told You?

Posted in Nonsense, Tech Stuff with tags , , , , , , on August 24, 2010 by Bob

Yes, once again I have shirked my duties as the guardian of Techtainment Tuesday and almost let it lapse into oblivion.  I am telling you now though that I am here and writing this from a well protected, undisclosed location. Why am I am a secret location you might ask? Even if you don’t ask, I will tell you. It is because I don’t want people to know where I am every minute of the day.

Just Checked in - Undisclosed Location

Facebook came out last week with Places. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand the purpose of any of the geo-location social sites I guess. It seems that there are so many people who complain about privacy this and privacy that, and how Big Brother is watching them. HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Dumb asses! Stop telling everyone where you are and what you are doing! There, privacy issues solved.

What I don’t get from ‘Places’ and ‘Foursquare’ (which was a playground game when I was a kid) is why. Why is it necessary for me to “check in” when I go someplace? Are my 200 some odd Facebook friends going to rush over to wherever I am just to see me? I doubt it. Will the creepy stalker I have know where to find me now … yes. Will the friend from high school who used to be in trouble all the time but was really a good person at heart but fell on hard times years ago and is now a professional cat burglar use places to find out when I am not home and rob me blind … yes! When I “check in” to a location and they look and see who has checked into their establishment use the information to somehow send me even more junk mail than I already get and start using my mobile phone to harass me as well … YES! By becoming “mayor” of the local “Jack-in-the-Box” or “Chuck E. Cheese” lead to a fulfilling political career that will only end in shame and disgrace when I try to sell the local “Dog Catcher” seat … probably.

I have read that when you use one of these services, you can show up, walk into a bar, look at your phone and see who is there. Why can’t I just look around the bar? If I am going to use the phone to see who is there, why even bother going. I can see they are there, text them and say “hey, where are you?” I don’t even have to go there.

I love it when I try to talk about tech that I really don’t understand. GPS in my phone I understand. Giving EVERYONE who wants it , the ability to use my GPS to find me … I don’t understand. Please, someone explain the redeeming quality of any of these services to me.

Although I myself am still waiting to be a featured blog, I found a great way to get people to read me. Simply find someone who is featured, read their blog, hope that you have written a blog of the same tile a while ago, leave them a comment that you wrote about the same topic and then link to YOUR blog in THEIR comments. I have to thank Girl Normal for letting me piggy back her success for a day or two. I had a great number of referrals from her blog to mine. Not only that, but she has a pretty nice blog. I like the snowmen.

I have to get ready to go to a bar later. I am not going to tell you which one because then everyone will go and well, I don’t like people. Anyhoo, until next time remember … “You must love Big Brother. It is not enough to obey him. You must love him.”

I Want My … I Want My … I Want My Free TV

Posted in Nonsense, Tech Stuff, TV/Movies with tags , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2010 by Bob

It is here! Actually, it was here, then it was gone for a week or 2, but now it is back again! Welcome to Techtainment Tuesday!!! When we last saw our intrepid blogger, he was talking about how he had writer’s block. He finally came up with something blog-worthy but, in the process, apparently sipped up some of the creative juices of someone else’s excuses. He should have just said he was purely lazy. Which also would have been true. But then, if he had not infringed upon the literary genius of another, he wouldn’t have this opening paragraph for today! We join today’s blogging with our main character vowing to plagiarize excuses for not blogging, in part or in whole, with not even the excuse changing to protect the guilty. What does ANY of this have to do with Techtainment Tuesday you ask? Well, nothing. Just was fun to write. On to the fun stuff!

I have a few things that I want to mention today. I don’t have a lot on any of them, so once again I am going to steal a concept, maybe 2 depending on how you look at it. At least this time I am acknowledging it. I am going to do a bullet kinda thing ala Sybil that may look like a snippet kinda thing ala Kapgar. Once again, to the two of you, let me know where to send the royalty fees and I will send them out just as soon as I am done planning and prepping for the baby’s arrival.

• LOVING the new Starburst commercials with the “contradictions”. My favorite, Screaming Mime. If I had come up with this years ago I could have made HUNDREDS!

• REALLY getting pissed off at ALL televisions stations, broadcast and cable, for putting those stupid footer animations advertising shows on their station. WE KNOW! Every other commercial is for another TV show so why do you have to block out the closed captioning for COPS with another commercial. Also, we know what channel we are on … take it out of the corner please.

• Have I mentioned how much I LOVE DVR? Well I do.

• Went to look at the DROID X this weekend. The screen is bigger than my whole BB Storm. Can’t justify that much for a phone to read email and update Facebook though. Am I missing something?

• Facebook appears to be doing updates again without telling people. “Events” pages have changed from what they were a couple weeks ago and I am starting to get updates from people who I have hidden so I don’t see their updates.

• Not really down with the new look of the Google News page. Much harder to read on my phone. I am not a fan of the Google mobile layout either.

• Will Ferrell is in a new movie. What kind of character will he play? Hmmm … SURPRISE! He is playing the same thing he plays in ALL of his movies. Will … Even Adam Sandler has moved on from the moron role. “Idiocracy” is becoming more and more a prophecy.

• Another movie I saw a commercial for is starring all of the big name action stars from the last 20-30 years. Does this mean that it is going to be the ultimate in worst acting in the last 20-30 years? Don’t get me wrong, I want to see it but … dayum!

• mixpl *&$%0 da – .. airfj – Oops, sorry about that. Was leaning on my keyboard a little to hard. Disrupted the flow from the usb cable connection. Yes it’s an Apple keyboard.

• This just in … that last joke was REALLY bad and I admit it.

And a few items from the “World is coming to an end because we think this is news” department:

• Lindsay Lohan can’t even retain the lawyer that defended O.J. AND she was late to report to jail. I would be too.

• Jersey Shore actors are on Strike

• Glenn Beck is going blind (isn’t he pretty blind already?)

• Mel Gibson has ANOTHER tape with bad things on it. We get it, he hates the woman he cheated on his wife and had a child with. Move back to Australia already.

Well, entertaining or not, this was a whirlwind today and I am just glad that I got to get it all to you for your enjoyment. Please fill out your comment cards and leave them in the vase by the front door. Don’t forget to visit the gift shop and please, have your pets spayed or neutered.

Until next time remember, It’s solid, but juicy like a liquid.

I Want To Quit But I Just Can’t

Posted in Nonsense, Tech Stuff with tags , , , , on May 25, 2010 by Bob

Welcome my friends to Techtainment Tuesday. I hope you all can still read this as I have recently installed 4,687 different privacy options to my blog and I can’t remember who I have blocked, and who I have sent 400 meaningless Farmyo Wars invites to.

Much has been made about Facebook’s privacy setting lately. For me, I always go in and have my Facebook as private as I can get it. My wife, not so much. She basically can be found by just about anyone I think. I haven’t googled her lately so I can’t be sure. Maybe I will google her tonight. (is that double entendre enough for you Sybil?) Anyway, they are saying that they are going to simplify their privacy options starting tomorrow night. That is not really saying much considering what they currently are. It is like Einstein saying he is going to simplify the Theory of relativity from the grave. (I don’t know what that means either.) Anyhoo … I, along with thousands, neigh millions of others, have toyed with the idea of ending my relationship with facebook. I just can’t do it though.

Deleting my Facebook account would, in reality, be no major loss. I really don’t use it that much compared to most other people I know. Yes, I have used it to re-connect with some old friends, which is nice. I have been able to congratulate, as well as get congratulated, on some major events. I have also been able to stay informed on some entertainment options that may or may not interest me. I have been able to use it to pimp my blog. There have also been the drawbacks.

I have been one of those annoying people who protested against all the notifications from the games on Facebook. I have close to 100 (if not more) various applications blocked from accessing my information. I have unfortunately had to hide people on occasion because they are addicted like crack to Facebook and post WAY to much information that I don’t have time to read or just don’t care that they are doing their nails or going to get the mail. I have had to remove a number of things from my profile and pages because I don’t want Yuri in Kazakhstan to know that I had a piece of Leg Lamp flair on my wall or that I am a fan of B.J. and the Bear.

I wish I could quit Facebook outright. It would simplify my life. It would be one less thing I would have to deal with on a daily basis. I just can’t. Quitting Facebook these days would be akin to refusing to use Microsoft Office and only using Word Perfect and Quattro Pro (yes they still exist).

If I quit Facebook, I would never get invited to a party again. It seems that everyone who used to use evites, is now using Facebook. I am guilty of this as well. I would also never be able to see pictures of various events since most people use Facebook as their main posting place. I have a twitter account but, as many others reason, why make someone go to many different places when Facebook can do it all. The other reason I can’t leave … like Stewie Griffin … I don’t like change. It took me a long time to get on Facebook to begin with, and that was only due to a job requirement at the time. If I left now, I would have a void of communication choices.

A few of us at work have talked about Facebook and its growth from a marketing standpoint. We are convinced that it has grown so fast because of the economy. That if we weren’t in such a downturn, where everyone is trying to get their names out there for free, that it wouldn’t be as big as it is right now. I have predicted that Facebook will go the way of MySpace within a year and a half or so. By that I mean that it will be in decline, and it will be looked at as the “also ran”. MySpace will eventually just disappear or be bought by Facebook while Facebook is still popular. One of my esteemed colleagues has actually predicted that Facebook will be largely “out of favour” in as little as 6 months. I hope this is not the case. I have decided I am going to try to jump hard onto Facebook and really try to make it my bitch.

Everyone seems to be creating a fan page, or a “get Big Bird to host the adult film awards” page. It doesn’t mater if you are an aged comedienne or a pickle, people are setting up pages for just about everything. The crazy thing about all these pages … THEY WORK! They work just by sheer craziness of concept. So, I have decided that I am going to do the same thing. I am going to use Facebook and see if I can’t create a social buzz of my own and see what comes of it. It will probably flop like Bob Dole before Viagra but it is worth trying. If it works, I will be all smug. If it fails I will say it was just a social experiment. Once I finalize everything and get the page all set up, I will post it here. It may be as early as tomorrow since Idol is on tonight and I really don’t care about that much. I might also do some cleaning tonight so maybe a few days … I am digressing again. In other words, tune in soon to see what crazy high jinx I come up with! Until then, if you want to follow me on Facebook click below. I think you have to be signed into Facebook. Another privacy thing.

Bob Richardson

I know, counter to what I am talking about but what the hell.

That’s all for today … I think … I really lost my place half way through. So, until next time … “I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don’t want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people”

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