Archive for Department of Health and Human Services

It’ll Be The Death Of Me

Posted in Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2011 by Bob

As I was oot and aboot today, I walked past a group of smokers on my way into a building. Someone else was walking in the oposite direction past this group and hopefully knew one of the smokers because he said “you know those things will kill ya!” I am assuming he knew someone since he didn’t get flipped off or beat up by the group. “Why do we care about this?” you are asking.

Since this happened, I thought to myself … Self, what do you suppose are things, other than smoking, that could kill you. It seems that every day something else is bad for you, including the drugs that are supposed to cure the diseases caused by the things that are bad for you. So, here is a short list of the things that could possibly end my life, according to ultra conservative religious parents groups and fringe scientists.

• Breathing – There are so many bad things in the air that just breathing in public can slowly kill you

• Watching television – The video signals coming through today’s HD televisions cause micro seizures in the synaptic endings in the cerebral cortex, and with each seizure chemicals are released by the brain that cause tumors to grow eventually crowding the brain and forcing it out the ear.

• Driving – It is not the chance of accident that is the culprit, it is the noxious chemicals released by pine tree shaped air fresheners.

• Old Navy – Their commercials suck and their clothes are over rated. If you shop there someone will shoot you just because.

• Soccer – Because no one should be that accustomed to balls in the face.

• Water – In and of itself is not bad, however the act of drinking water will clean out your system and your body will go into shock from years of horrible things being in it. This toxic ecosystem will be thrown off kilter and to quote the emperor … “You will die”

• Scurvy – Really nothing to do with this list but it is fun to say

• Humor – Laughing will cause increased heart rate and blood pressure that will result in heart attack or stroke. Also, laughing causes tears which will cloud your eyes, affect vision and cause you to walk out into traffic and be hit by a cross town bus.


As you can see, there are far more things in life to worry about. These were just a few. Live life while you can and don’t worry about the consequences. Well, maybe a few so you don’t end up in jail or dead which would kind of negate the whole living life to the fullest part.


Until next time, remember … “Although we are constantly exploring the subject, currently there is no direct evidence that links cell phone usage to brain cancer.”



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