Don’t Believe Everything You Read

Hello Earth dwellers. It is I, Herman IQ 074. I have been laying low as of late while working on my own individual plans to take over the world. I have been occasionally reading my hairless Wampa’s communiqués and am disturbed by his latest posting.

Aliens are not, I repeat NOT, coming to take over the planet. At least not as he has portrayed them. I can also assure you that the human population of this planet are not going to be used as food. That would be an incredible waste of slave labor.

I can tell you that the rash of large deaths of animals from your world has been the result of aliens. ME! I have been doing small scale tests on new weaponry. That is all I am at liberty to say. I can tell you however, that my new weapon is almost complete and that once I receive official word from my superiors, then havoc will be wreaked.

Dead fish and birds are only the beginning. Prepare yourselves earthlings and long live the Empire!

As my Wampa would say … Until next time, remember … “People in today’s body conscious society are obsessed with losing weight. My plan is to secretly replace all the artificial sweeteners in the world with real ones, thus rendering the world’s population fat, slow moving, and completely toothless.”

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They’re Coming To Take Me Away

Dead birds. Dead fish. Dead cows. Lately we have seen a number of mass die offs. Unfortunately, they have been relegated to the animal world and have not included the Westboro Baptist Church. Theologians are coming out of the woodwork claiming that these are signs of the impending “end of days.” By the pure fact that the Westboro folks are still around convinces me otherwise. I have a different theory that I have mentioned before, maybe even in this blog. (Yes, you may get a few repeat topics as I am doing this post a day thing and losing my mind)

I like to think, and firmly believe, that the cause of the mass animal die offs are because of UFOs. That’s right. Unidentified Flying Objects, Aliens, extra terrestrials. I know that they are capable of this. Their ships are advanced enough to have some sort of super propulsion that can kill these poor creatures just by flying past them. They also can beam up large flocks, schools and herds of various critters right into their ships and experiment on them, travel back in time to the exact point they took them, and dump the carcasses to leave us wondering what the heck happened. They know, from years of observation, that we will question too much if they take humans. They have tried it before and we always notice human abductions. The government tries to pass these people off as whack jobs, but we know.

Our New Leaders

The day is coming soon when the alien visitors will make contact with us. I am hoping they are nice. I am hoping they are coming to help us solve pollution, save the ice caps and help us to be better toward each other. In reality though I think they are going to want to use us as food. I mean, look at us … especially here in the U.S., each one of us could probably feed an alien family of 4 for a week if not more … they don’t even have to “super-size” us!

I want to be among the first to welcome our alien overlords. As in the original “V” (since I haven’t seen the new iteration), I will be a friend of the aliens so that I may be one of the last to be consumed. I will do your bidding and turn in anyone I know of trying to undermine our new masters.

Of course there is one other explanation for all of this as well. It is a coincidence and mother nature is just screwing with us.

That’s it for today folks. Until next time, break out your tin foil tuques and remember … “We could be pets, we could be food, but all we really are is livestock.”