A Half A Year Not Remembered

I would like to say that the title means I was drunk for half the year. Nope. Really, it means that I haven’t posted since June so there isn’t much to remember. I am back because I wanted to make sure that I got one last post in for the year. I like cutting it close. This isn’t going to be a top ten list, or a year in review. I don’t want to risk overusing those themes and getting banished from the internet. I didn’t even know that was possible.

What I WAS going to do, was make a post of the words/phrases that have been so overused they made a “banished list”.

It became problematic however, when I saw what some of the words were. Some of them I never heard of so I have no hope of using them. I don’t know what “manspreading” is, but I am pretty sure I have been doing that for at least the last 10 years. Doing it right now in fact as I sit here typing and eating caramel corn from Garret’s.

I mean, do you really need to be a stakeholder in some price point to be able to break the internet with your bae (still not sure what that one means)?

So, if anyone wants to call a presser and we can walk it back to the vape point where we find the secret sauce that will start the conversation.

As it is getting close to that time, I would like to wish you all a very happy New Year. I would stay longer but the physicality of writing this is taxing. I hope that everyone you know is giving you life throughout the new year. I think. I don’t really know what that means either.

Be sure to tune in next week at some point as I WILL be doing my celebrity death predictions for the year. I MIGHT even do a quick re-cap on what transpired … or who Expired last year.

In the immortal words of Frank Bartles … “Thank you for your support.”

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Valetine’s Day – Day Care Edition

It is Valentine’s Day tomorrow. A day where men get in trouble, new relationships are solidified or ended and feelings are crushed throughout the world. For the young among us, it is a time to get bags full of candy and pencils and stickers and … wait, what?

Maybe it is just because I am too old to remember, or because I am repressing memories of rejection en masse but, the vague recollections I have of Valentine’s day as a child, were getting a few cards in a paper lunch bag taped to the front of my desk. Granted, I have NO memories of Valentine’s before grade school but I experienced that today dropping the kids off.

At first, we were just planning on giving out the little cards that come with a sticker. Thought that was going to be good enough. When I picked up Tori yesterday, a few friends already had passed out some Valentine’s. With packets of Goldfish, and a little gift bag of a few things. I called Mrs. Voices and told her to stop at the store. Glad I did. When we got to “school” this morning, little bags of goodies abounded.

A friend of mine called it the “Valentine mompetition” and I heartily agree. What I do remember is getting the cards, maybe a box of chalk hearts … not an entire swag bag worthy of the Oscars. All I know is that I told Mrs. Voices … “I don’t want to be THAT parent that totally cheaps out.”

It seems to be just the evolution of things. It also happens at birthdays. The kids have a party, give out goodie bags, but then also give out bags of treats at school as well. It must be because of the whole, “must include everyone” mentality. To make sure that no one gets left out.

While writing this, I have decided that it is because I am getting cranky as I age. Let the kids have their fun Bob. They are kid’s for cryin’ out loud. If you want to be the cheapskate so be it. At least their mommy is cool.

I Aspire To Be More In Two Thousand One Four

That really is a blanket statement isn’t it? Of course we all want to be better. For ourselves, for our families, for our cult leaders … we all want to improve. Most people wait until AFTER the New Near to make their resolutions. Since I know that I am not going to keep any of them, I figure that now is as good a time as any. If nothing else it gives me something to do until Christmas Eve dinner.

I would love to say that I have grand plans for things in the coming year. I don’t. I pretty much want to stay employed and out of jail, preferably in that order. However, since it is “the thing” to do at the end of the year, here are some goals for next year. These are in no particular order of importance, just as I came up with them.

1. Lose another 20 pounds – I think I can do this. It will require me to do a little more than the grip things from yesterday’s post, but it will be worth it. I will once again be in shape to participate in the RHPS. Break out those fish nets.
2. Blog more often – This one is tough. I seem to have a lot of people reading this blog … well, they are subscribed to it. I would actually like to give them something to read once in a while. I also would like that content to be entertaining in some way. Write AND be entertaining. Asking a lot of myself.
3. Remember which cookie recipes worked this year for next year – Every year I seem to pick the ones I didn’t like or forget what I did right. Next year … will be different.
4. Start using my Muppet more – I am going to let you just stew on that one.
5. Update my blog – This isn’t something that has to be a major overhaul. I just need to update old links, remove dead links and just make it look like I actually look at the site once in a while.
6. Read a book, or 2 – I have some books at home. I have some books on my wife’s Kindle. I am lazy. Yes, I have become too lazy to read.
7. Find my kids jobs – I am only half joking on this. They want to go to day care, then they need to start earning their way.
8. Take a “me” weekend and have a movie marathon – Not sure if I want to go good movies or bad. I am thinking do an actor themed set but then what actor do I pick? Segal? Hopkins? Flynn? Jay-Z? The choices are endless.
9. Clean the basement – Not a real lofty goal but something that needs to be done. The kids will very soon need a larger area for a play room and I will be damned if I am going to pay for “open gym” and put up with awkward play dates.
10. Paint the house – Or rather, have it painted. We have lived there almost 7 years now. The outside needs to be painted and the inside needs it bad. Maybe I can turn each room one by one into a playroom and have the kids paint them for me.

 

Have a great Christmas everyone. If you don’t celebrate Christmas … then don’t have a great Christmas.

 

I’m Too Out Of Touch To Get In Shape

I’ve been doing my best to lose weight the last 8 months. I was doing great. Then Halloween came along with candy. Then Thanksgiving came along with food. Now, Christmas is here with cookies. Cookies are the main recruitment tool of Satan himself. Due to all these things that I blame … my weight has plateaud.  Maybe even gained a pound or two … or 5.

I have come to the realization that I have to start exercising. I remember vaguely how to do that. I remember running, lifting weights, a few other tortures from my track days. I also vividly remember how much I hated exercising.  I pretty much still hate it. I know that I will not do it if I am left to my own devices, so I decided to look at some of the options out there. What I found is that there are apparently no classes for exercise. There are apparently a number of comic book sound effects classes at every park district and health club in the area.

Doesn’t anyone just exercise anymore? I see things for Shabam, Zumba, Pump and Spin. I can pound my Pilates and and soulcycle until my Flywheel falls off. I can be insane while I rip myself for 30 (30 what I am not sure) or I can pee 90 times a day to get in shape. I can box my Pilates instructor while I am doing yoga in outer space.  Of course I can also prance my way fit or even act out that porn novel about Grey’s anatomy. (yes, there is a workout for that book) I can pretend I am a stripper or I can volunteer to film the sequel to Death Race.

All I want to do is exercise. So, I bought myself some of those hand grip spring things. I will have a six pack in no time.

 

The Worst Of The Best Of The Worst Lists Of … Oh Whatever

Once again the geniuses at VIMB have decided to be totally innovative and do absolutely nothing different from anyone else. In fact, we may even be duplicating things we have done in the past. We are really just too lazy to go back and look. (and we wonder why we won’t get hired by Cracked.com.)

While I was at work watching Christmas Vacation today, I began to think of all of the Christmas specials that have been made. I also thought about the ones that should not have been made in that list. I then thought that perhaps I should be working instead of all this thinking. In any case, I thought it would be fun to go back and do some more tribute to Letterman and some top 10 listage for the holidays. So, from the home office in Shitterton, Dorset, England:

The top 10 worst ideas I could think of for Christmas specials at 10 o’clock at night

10. I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas: Starring Megyn Kelly and George Zimmerman

9. The Tea Party Saves Santa

8. Justin Bieber and the Brazilian National Choir Sing Mannheim Steamroller’s Greatest Hits

7. Kanye’s Holiday Salute To The Troops

6. Santa’s Celebrity Sober House: Starring Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Charlie Sheen and Lamar Odom. With special guest Chris Brown as “the enforcer”.

5. Thamsanqa Jantjie: A Sign Language Holiday Sing-A-Long

4. My Favorite Holiday Cakes With David Mazzie

3. 101 Ways To Kill A Shelf Elf

2. Reindeer Dynasty

And the #1 worst idea I could think of for a Christmas special at 10 o’clock at night …

1. Star Wars Holiday Special

Santa Clause Came To The Mall

Actually, I think his name was Phil. Tori had her picture taken with Santa last week at school. She smiled and it was one of the best pictures she ever took. It was a rushed affair though, so she was sad that she wasn’t able to tell Santa what she wanted for Christmas. Because of this, and because I needed a bribe earlier in the week while Jackie was out of town, I told Tori that we could go see Santa this weekend at the mall.

There were other reasons we needed to go to the mall. Since I have lost so much weight lately, I needed to get my wedding ring re-sized before going to Vegas in January. We also needed to go see Santa so that Dude could get his picture taken since he wasn’t at school that day. Anyhoo … if you haven’t heard, or don’t live around here, it was snowing today. Now, I am in the NW burbs of Chicago. It isn’t like we don’t get snow. However, whenever the first significant snow falls, the only people on the road seem to be recent transplants from any state that never has snow. If you don’t know how to drive in snow, I don’t think les of you … JUST DON’T DRIVE IN THE DAMN SNOW!

The up side of the unexpected levels of snow is that the mall wasn’t that crowded and the line for the big man wasn’t that long. Granted, the mall we were at I don’t think is EVER really that crowded but it IS Christmas time. You couldn’t tell that the line for Santa wasn’t long though. We got there while he was on break so there were upwards of 15-20 people in line. That is including kids. So, 10 adults maybe? This required 3 mall security personnel. They all looked very serious. I am not sure what they thought was going to happen. A riot maybe? The guy on the Segway got out of there after they controlled the line.

The line went pretty quickly. Tori was so excited when it was our turn that she barely waited for mommy to talk to the lady doing the pictures that we were going to do our own pictures and just using Santa for our free backdrop. Tori ran up to Santa and as she was climbing up onto the bench, said “Santa … I want a … a … a … art easel for Christmas!” There was no way she was going to miss out on it this time. Especially after putting up with that damn elf every day.

Alex cried. And cried. And reached for mommy. And cried. The picture was kinda cute though that they took. Tori was the Nero of the Santa pics. She smiled and laughed as Dude man cried. It really is kind of a great picture.

After the pictures were done, Tori got down off of the bench as me and Mrs. Voices when tot look at the pictures on the screen. What we didn’t see was Tori going over to the stack of oversized prop presents and picking them up and shaking them. She was just about to start unwrapping one when I finally saw her and stopped her. She thought she was in trouble and started crying. Dude started crying again because his big sister was crying. I told her she could ride the mall train. It cost me $12 to get her to stop crying.

While we were waiting for the train to get done dealing with a birthday party, Tori decided to take in the sights of the mall. She was fascinated … with everything. She thought it was the best thing ever. Like the last time she was at a mall. If I ever take this kid to someplace like Mall of America, she may overload and her head might explode. I would include a picture of the cute picture … but it is in my car. It is 10:30. I don’t want to go back out in the cold to get.

 

The Elf On The Shelf: A Creepy Christmas Pain In The Ass

Normally, I don’t cave in to following what everyone else is doing. I especially wasn’t going to do this silly elf thing when I saw that it cost $30 for a 10 inch doll. I know that Tori would think is was a super fun thing so I started looking for a generic elf. I figured I don’t need an “official” elf. I really with I could have found a Hermey the dentist elf that was big enough, but to no avail.

My sister found that they had an “Elf on the Shelf” at Costco for only $12. Turns out is doesn’t have a plastic face (it is a full plush doll), and comes with an ‘activity book’ instead of the story of the elf on the shelf. On the plus side, the elf we have isn’t quite as creepy as the normal one. It was also only $12 instead of $30. On the minus side, the only thing I know of the story is what I have picked up on the street, and the streets I tend to hang out on, may not be supplying me with the proper information on this phenomenon.

What I do know, is that the elf is supposed to move to a different location every night. At first I thought it was because he just went out partying after everyone was asleep and he was so drunk when he got home that he forgot where he was supposed to be. I was corrected on that point. I thought the reporting back to Santa angle was clever and would help me get Tori to behave more. She just cries when I tell her the elf is going to rat her out to the big guy.

I also didn’t know until a couple of days after we started this craziness that we were supposed to name it. I told Tori this and she did give him a pretty kick ass name. The Blackhawks were playing that night and so she named it after 2 of “Her Blackwawks”. It’s name is now officially Toews the candy Kaner elf.

I did a little research to find out what other people have done with this thing. I found out there are websites, complete blogs, Pintrest pages and who knows what else out there on this. Really? People buy clothes for the damn things? IT’S A DOLL! Sorry, I digress. I didn’t think I was going to have to be THAT creative. I just thought I would have to move it a few inches every night to psych out the kids and make them think that he it was really leaving every night.

I did find one site of pictures that has it doing al kinds of raunchy things but, I don’t need to pay for child therapy quite yet. They are going to need it soon enough with me as a father so … don’t need to push it.

What is the point of all this you ask? As always, I have no point. I just need to get it out there and silence the voices. I have less than 20 more places to find for this thing to go.  I am hoping Tori will forget all the places and I will be able to duplicate some. I doubt it. Mostly, I am realizing what a pain this thing will be. Maybe I cam talk Mrs. Voices into being the keeper of the creep.

Might as well show him doing … whatever a … shelf … elf … does?

Bigger than a Bumble

2012 Voices Year In Review

Do I mean I am reviewing my year 2012 or that I heard 2012 voices this year that I am reviewing? It is questions like that just asked that make me question my own sanity some days. Anyhoo, here we are at the end of another year. I don’t have best of lists, mainly there aren’t that many things I have done that I have done, seen, listened to or otherwise enjoyed enough times to come up with a best of list. I did however have a few highlights this year that are worth mentioning to the rest of the voices in my brain.

Highlight #1 – I finally was able to break free of the bonds of the crappy job that was holding me back for quite a while. True, the choice was not entirely mine but still, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wish I had realized it sooner.

Highlight #2 – The very day after highlight #1, we welcomed into this world our little dude! Alexander Dallas joined our family and we couldn’t be happier. The other great thing about #1 was that because of the timing, I was able to spend the entire 2 months of Mrs. Voices’ maternity leave at home with her and our newest little voice.

Highlight #3 – Almost as soon as the “paternity leave” was running out, I acquired new employment. More money, better people, better bosses and a far superior cafeteria.

Highlight #4 – Tori moved to the day care that is right across the street from where I work. Hours of commuting time saved per week.

Highlight #5 – I got a few predictions correct on my celebrity death watch. Morbid I know, but big deal for me.

Highlight #6 – We did NOT win any of the giant lottery drawings this past year. It would have only ruined our lives by letting us live in unrelenting comfort for the rest of our lives.

Highlight #7 – I got to spend an absolutely wonderful Christmas with family. Christmas morning with our newest voice and Tori having her first Christmas being aware of what was going on was the best thing ever!

Those were the biggies. Good year overall, here is hoping that 2013 sees more good things happen, more reality TV get canceled and everyone gets everything that they deserve in the new year.

 

As a blatant self promotion, be sure to tune in over the next few days when I will be posting the Death Watch 2013 predictions and a few other fun things. Now, go out, party all night and pretend you care about the football games tomorrow through your massive hangovers.

 

 

Hang ‘Em High

The Christmas lights that is. I have no clue why I put that title but I did. More so, I had the title and then I decided to write about Christmas lights. Yeah, I don’t know either. I basically just needed a place to come and complain about what I saw the other day. I was driving through a more expensive neighborhood near me and I say a “Pool & Spa Services” truck parked on the road. I figured someone was having their hot tub serviced or was just late winterizing their pool. As I drove closer, I saw about 8 individuals with ladders and boxes hanging lights on this particular house. Someone had paid someone else, to hang lights for Christmas.

Granted, there are probably plenty of reasons for this. The first that came to mind, was that the home owners are old and can’t get up on a ladder and have no family in the area that could come and help them do it. If that is the case, with no family or friends, why decorate for a lonely holiday.  Another reason is that perhaps … yeah … can’t think of another one other than they have more money than they apparently know what to do with.

To me, although I hate doing it myself in the cold, hanging the lights is part of Christmas. The untangling, the swearing, the multiple trips to buy new lights … If I had the time and money. I would Griswold my house in a heartbeat. It is what brings a family together during the holidays. Well, the trips to the ER after falling off a ladder does that too but still.

Anyway, that is all I wanted to rant about today. I am trying to ramp up to the new year to be more rant-ee and more annoying next year so, have fun waiting on that one.

 

 

For the very first time in my life I am saying that I like the Old Navy commercials. I hate the fact that Chevy sold out to Old Navy, because I really don’t like them as a whole, they just annoy me … however, I love the spoofs of the Vacation movies. Even having the old Rustys and Audreys show up with the new ones. They are fun.

 

The Dead Stopped Walking

They are now running. Running all over the collective everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love zombies as much as the next guy however; the zombie apocalypse is not zombies taking over the planet as most people expect, it is the over saturation of zombie culture.

 

I learned to do special effects makeup when I was in college. I am in no way good enough to be on Face Off, nor have I kept up on any new techniques if there are any. I don’t know how to air brush, sculpt and a lot of the other stuff that they do. (I do operate a pretty mean vac-u-form machine though) The one thing that I was always good at though was the basic, last

 

Bill Hinzman as the cemetery zombie from Night of the Living Dead (1968). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

minute zombie make-up.

 

In college (both times) I had people come to me at the last minute with cries of “I have no costume, what can you do for me?!” My answer was always the same, “Night of the Living Dead”. It was simple, quick and didn’t require a lot of major technique. Back then, it was even still called Night of the Living Dead make-up. As recently as Beetlejuice (recent of course is relative) Lydia asked the Maitlands “are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there?” Zombies were mindless, autonomous, flesh eating machines that you could simply outrun, out drive and out smart. A simple .22 to the frontal lobe and they were done.

 

 

But I digress.

 

Today, zombies are as prevalent as those insipid vampires. Because of all things zombie, I am wondering if people are going to eventually get sick of zombies. Zombies became popular because it was the most feasible “real life” monster. Stories of voodoo zombies have been around for as long as there has been voodoo. They are actually loosely based in fact. (prove me wrong. I dare you. No really, I may be uttering total BS here) Zombies could be easily killed with no special weapons like needed for vamps and wolves. You could get away from them relatively easy as they couldn’t think. If you weren’t slow or stupid, zombies were relatively harmless as monsters went.

 

Now, there are zombies on every corner and every new iteration of zombie is smarter, faster and more dangerous. Some of these ‘upgrades’ are destroying the very meaning of zombie. And don’t go telling me “they aren’t called zombies anymore, the PC term is living impaired.” Bite me. Get it?

 

There have always been odd ball whack jobs that think they are vampires, forming their night clubs, drinking blood and getting fake teeth. I am not talking about the Porphyria people out there, I am talking about the nut jobs that inspire episodes of C.S.I. Are we going to start having groups of people that think they really are zombies and start living as such? Will we have people volunteering to have bits of their flesh eaten by their psycho club mates? Bath salts aside, this just can’t happen!

 

This Halloween I know I am going to see more zombies than I did last year than I did the year before that. They will increase again next year I am sure until people either A) get sick of zombies or B) a zombie apocalypse actually does happen. To be sure, my rant is tongue in cheek. Who’s tongue and who’s cheek I am not sure, I do know though that we need to stop fixating on one monster at a time. Where is the monster affirmative action? Years ago we had Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Franken Berry and the wolf thing who’s name escapes me right now. We have let them slide to the wayside. (although it IS getting close to them coming back for a limited time if past years are to be followed)

 

I guess to sum it all up, I AM GETTING SICK OF FREAKIN’ ZOMBIES! There, I said it. I will continue to love zombies in the purest Romeroian form. I will find no need to double tap a zombie. I do not want to watch zombies dancing in the street. I do not want to see them at a H.S. Prom or riding motorcycles in Zombie Town. I know of what I speak as I, myself, a few years ago, jumped on the bandwagon and portrayed a zombie celeb. Yes, I am ashamed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be sure to tune in next week when our guest will be zombie Gore Vidal here on the lunch hour.