Archive for the Herman IQ 074 Category

Healthcare On Earth

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , on November 9, 2012 by Bob

 

Good evening Earth people. It is I, Herman IQ 074. I have taken command of this data terminal to voice my confusion about something I have recently witnessed on the interwebs. I know that those of you in this country called America have recently given confidence to the current emperor and squashed the small rebellion that threatened is ultimate power.

While I have seen much rejoicing over the continuation of your emperor’s reign, I have seen many comments from the downtrodden, their biggest complaint by far, is about something called “Obamacare”. I researched this and realized that people are complaining about having health care. I had to look up what “health care” was as well and I do not understand this complaint. You should be glad and thankful that you are offered the opportunity at all. You have the ability to pay relatively small amounts of your currency to have someone else pay for large medical expenses. I asked around and found out that there are places on your backwater planet that do not have this option at all.

Hell, we don’t even get medical attention much less someone paying for it. There is no such thing for the Storm Trooper. We are clones. We are expendable. If we get a splinter we don’t even get a bandage. We are left to let the wound fester and get infected and die. As advanced as that metal moon was, there was not a single doctor, surgeon or even a HELLOOOO NURSE on that whole thing to hand out a damn Advil. Sometimes I am not sure how I made it this far. We don’t even get one of those cool kits the Predator race has.

What it boils down to is that be thankful that you have anything, quit your bitching and if you don’t like it, move to a planet where they don’t even know what a doctor is. Try healing your own laser blast. pfft. You make me ill you repub … I mean rebel scum.

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It’s A Christmas Eve Miracle!

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Holiday, Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2011 by Bob

So, this morning I decided that I had to do some laundry in order to have clean clothes to wear to my in-law’s and my parent’s for Christmas eve. It is traditional Christmas Eve lasagne at my mom’s so I just had to wash some jeans. Since it was jeans I was washing, I decided to wash my jacket as well. I don’t think I washed it since we got back from Vegas, but I could be wrong. In either case, I did the standard emptying of pockets in the jeans and my jacket, turning all the pockets inside out so as to make sure nothing got into the wash. I went down stairs to start my gift wrapping odyssey. After the wash cycle was complete, Jackie was going to put the little voice down for her nap and asked if I ever put the clothes in the dryer. I told her no and she said she would do it. All of a sudden from up in the laundry room there came such a clatter … of laughter and “oh my god you are not going to believe what i just found in the wash!” I told her to tell me, but she said she had to show me. She came down and stood on the stairs and held out over the railing what she had found so I could see it.

I could NOT believe what I was seeing. I had emptied my pockets umpteen times. Searched through them over and over. I had been wearing my jacket for 2 weeks … HOW on earth could I have missed this?

Zombie Herman?

 

YES! It is Herman who we thought was lost in the wilds of Freemont Street! How he made it home I have no clue. He is still in quarantine to determine if indeed he is a zombie or not. I kid you not people, this was NOT planned or expected. I also did not clone Herman and replace him. Jackie laughed a little when she showed me because I was almost as excited as Lindsey Lohan when she found out she could drink again.

Yeah, I am a little bit of a geek for being this excited. It really is kind of cool though, and a little creepy. I really have been wearing the coat since we got back from Vegas and I have been in and out of the pockets. I have no clue what happened. Jackie was more practical. She said “I really am impressed at how well the pain stayed on his uniform after going through the wash.” I love my wife.

Welcome Home Herman!!!!!! (once we find out if you are a zombie or not that is)

Vegas Vacation … In Memoriam

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense, Vacation with tags , , , , , , , on December 4, 2011 by Bob

Tomorrow I go back to work. That means that my vacation is over. We had a blast in Vegas. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the level of customer service we experienced. I did not experience one cranky, surly or otherwise unpleasant worker while we were there. It made for a very nice trip. I don’t know if it was because it was off season or what but everyone was so nice, even the cab drivers and bus drivers. Overall our trip was one of the best vacations I have had. There was one sad part.

I mentioned earlier in the week that I thought Herman had stowed away in my luggage. I was right. I found him Wednesday morning when I came back from one of my walks. He was sitting at the bar downstairs using our room drink credit. Since he was here, we took him to see the lions with us.

After that he went out on his own again. He told us he was going to meet us on Freemont St. Thursday night. I was a little worried when I got this picture from him earlier in the day. I think he was letting the glitz and glamour get to him and he was falling in with a bad crowd.

 

Kotton Kandy, Herman's New ... friend

 

When we got back to our room after Freemont St., Herman was nowhere to be found. I figured he got lucky but … the next morning there was a knock on the door. I went to answer but there was only an envelope left on the floor. I opened it up and this is all it contained.

 

Hopefully it will fit the next clone.

 

I am assuming the worst. All I am left with is Herman’s head. The rest of him will not be leaving Las Vegas any time soon. I knew it was a bad sign when we were on the gondola ride at The Venetian and the gondolier started singing the Godfather theme. R.I.P. Herman.

 

The Day After

Posted in Food, Herman IQ 074, Nonsense, Wacky News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2011 by Bob

I AM ALIVE! I fared pretty well after last night. I am happy to report that I am NOT hung over. I am a little tired but I was able to clean up some of the stuff left from last night. The half full drink cups didn’t affect me. Jackie is out picking up Tori so I cleaned a little, vacuumed, and decided to get the blog out of the way for today since I think I will be going to bed VERY early tonight.

It was a successful party and I am so glad that so many were able to make it out and have fun. Too bad is was still humid and mosquito filled so we couldn’t hang outside but that’s ok. Next year we will have it earlier in the summer again when it is nicer out.

I still have some cleaning to do today but I think that … wow … whoa … why am I feeling dizz … everything is blurry …

Hello earth dwellers. Herman here. It seems my hairless Wampa engaged in a ritual celebration last night called a “fiesta”. Based on the video communications device I am forced to watch all day, I thought a fiesta was a mode of transportation for the females of this planet. (which by the way, there are far too many females in this galaxy. Before I was abandoned here I had only known of 2 others.)

I will have to admit that it seemed that it was a good time. I did partake a little myself and had what is I believe called, an upsidedown margarita.

 

Until the next time I deem you worthy of my communicae … Don’t step in Bantha fodder.

Herman IQ 074 signing off

May The Fourth … Find My Blaster In Your Side

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Holiday, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , on May 4, 2011 by Bob

Yes Earth dwellers, it is I Herman. It has been one of your years since I last hijacked my hairless wampa’s communication portal and mocked your race for celebrating an extinct religion. I had hoped that this planet only did this once, but again this year the man with the lisp has been celebrated.

The fact that you still celebrate this day as such convinces me that your race will perish soon.

On a lighter note, I read today in a communique from the Empire Alumni Group that the history of the Stormtroopers will be released soon on a high definition format you people call Blu-ray. I am excited as they say they will have all of the untold stories of thousands of our trooper brethren.

This is all for now.

Herman IQ-074 signing off.

You Gotta Know When To Fold ‘Em

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2011 by Bob

 

Greetings DNA impaired dwellers of Earth. It is I, Herman. My hairless Wampa apparently couldn’t handle even a shortened work week and passed out after he had too much iced tea to drink. It just goes to show the benefits of superior cloning technology. Since he was indisposed, and he put the example of inefficient reproduction into it’s nightly hibernation cycle, I decided that I would try my hand at an Earth custom you people call poker. Unfortunately I, along with my Imperial brethren had no idea how to play this game, I had to invite a rebel scum that I have dealt with, unsuccessfully I might add, to teach us this game.

The night started off well enough.

 

I was told this is a good hand

 

Soon enough the rebel scum showed his true colors and we were thinking we had been duped.

 

Something isn't quite right

 

It was clear that we were being taken advantage of. THIS movie was not going to end the same way.

 

Get him boys!

 

In the end, we “won” enough earth money to get our armor polished.

 

NEVER try to cheat the Empire

 

 

 

This Species Is Weak

Posted in Herman IQ 074, Nonsense with tags , , , , , , on February 19, 2011 by Bob

It is I Earth dwellers. Herman IQ – 074. I have come to the conclusion that this planet may not even be worth conquest. I have come to this by the events of today. I have been stuck at home all day with my hairless wampa. He has a fever. He has vomited among other things. He has been laying around whining, moaning and groaning, acting as weak and worthless as a newborn Gundark. The small human that now lives here seems to be stronger and more capable that he does right now.

I feel sorry for the female of the domicile. She now needs to care for 2 infant humans. I guess being a clone gives me immunity to the germs of this planet. I will NOT be getting sick. Throwing up or even sneezing in this helmet really sucks. We don’t have windshield wipers on the inside.

I have to go and make something called “cream of chicken soup”. I do not know where I am goign to find a chicken to cream at this hour.

Stay healthy earth people.

Herman IQ-074 signing off

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