Healthcare On Earth

 

Good evening Earth people. It is I, Herman IQ 074. I have taken command of this data terminal to voice my confusion about something I have recently witnessed on the interwebs. I know that those of you in this country called America have recently given confidence to the current emperor and squashed the small rebellion that threatened is ultimate power.

While I have seen much rejoicing over the continuation of your emperor’s reign, I have seen many comments from the downtrodden, their biggest complaint by far, is about something called “Obamacare”. I researched this and realized that people are complaining about having health care. I had to look up what “health care” was as well and I do not understand this complaint. You should be glad and thankful that you are offered the opportunity at all. You have the ability to pay relatively small amounts of your currency to have someone else pay for large medical expenses. I asked around and found out that there are places on your backwater planet that do not have this option at all.

Hell, we don’t even get medical attention much less someone paying for it. There is no such thing for the Storm Trooper. We are clones. We are expendable. If we get a splinter we don’t even get a bandage. We are left to let the wound fester and get infected and die. As advanced as that metal moon was, there was not a single doctor, surgeon or even a HELLOOOO NURSE on that whole thing to hand out a damn Advil. Sometimes I am not sure how I made it this far. We don’t even get one of those cool kits the Predator race has.

What it boils down to is that be thankful that you have anything, quit your bitching and if you don’t like it, move to a planet where they don’t even know what a doctor is. Try healing your own laser blast. pfft. You make me ill you repub … I mean rebel scum.

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It’s A Christmas Eve Miracle!

So, this morning I decided that I had to do some laundry in order to have clean clothes to wear to my in-law’s and my parent’s for Christmas eve. It is traditional Christmas Eve lasagne at my mom’s so I just had to wash some jeans. Since it was jeans I was washing, I decided to wash my jacket as well. I don’t think I washed it since we got back from Vegas, but I could be wrong. In either case, I did the standard emptying of pockets in the jeans and my jacket, turning all the pockets inside out so as to make sure nothing got into the wash. I went down stairs to start my gift wrapping odyssey. After the wash cycle was complete, Jackie was going to put the little voice down for her nap and asked if I ever put the clothes in the dryer. I told her no and she said she would do it. All of a sudden from up in the laundry room there came such a clatter … of laughter and “oh my god you are not going to believe what i just found in the wash!” I told her to tell me, but she said she had to show me. She came down and stood on the stairs and held out over the railing what she had found so I could see it.

I could NOT believe what I was seeing. I had emptied my pockets umpteen times. Searched through them over and over. I had been wearing my jacket for 2 weeks … HOW on earth could I have missed this?

Zombie Herman?

 

YES! It is Herman who we thought was lost in the wilds of Freemont Street! How he made it home I have no clue. He is still in quarantine to determine if indeed he is a zombie or not. I kid you not people, this was NOT planned or expected. I also did not clone Herman and replace him. Jackie laughed a little when she showed me because I was almost as excited as Lindsey Lohan when she found out she could drink again.

Yeah, I am a little bit of a geek for being this excited. It really is kind of cool though, and a little creepy. I really have been wearing the coat since we got back from Vegas and I have been in and out of the pockets. I have no clue what happened. Jackie was more practical. She said “I really am impressed at how well the pain stayed on his uniform after going through the wash.” I love my wife.

Welcome Home Herman!!!!!! (once we find out if you are a zombie or not that is)

Vegas Vacation … In Memoriam

Tomorrow I go back to work. That means that my vacation is over. We had a blast in Vegas. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the level of customer service we experienced. I did not experience one cranky, surly or otherwise unpleasant worker while we were there. It made for a very nice trip. I don’t know if it was because it was off season or what but everyone was so nice, even the cab drivers and bus drivers. Overall our trip was one of the best vacations I have had. There was one sad part.

I mentioned earlier in the week that I thought Herman had stowed away in my luggage. I was right. I found him Wednesday morning when I came back from one of my walks. He was sitting at the bar downstairs using our room drink credit. Since he was here, we took him to see the lions with us.

After that he went out on his own again. He told us he was going to meet us on Freemont St. Thursday night. I was a little worried when I got this picture from him earlier in the day. I think he was letting the glitz and glamour get to him and he was falling in with a bad crowd.

 

Kotton Kandy, Herman's New ... friend

 

When we got back to our room after Freemont St., Herman was nowhere to be found. I figured he got lucky but … the next morning there was a knock on the door. I went to answer but there was only an envelope left on the floor. I opened it up and this is all it contained.

 

Hopefully it will fit the next clone.

 

I am assuming the worst. All I am left with is Herman’s head. The rest of him will not be leaving Las Vegas any time soon. I knew it was a bad sign when we were on the gondola ride at The Venetian and the gondolier started singing the Godfather theme. R.I.P. Herman.

 

The Day After

I AM ALIVE! I fared pretty well after last night. I am happy to report that I am NOT hung over. I am a little tired but I was able to clean up some of the stuff left from last night. The half full drink cups didn’t affect me. Jackie is out picking up Tori so I cleaned a little, vacuumed, and decided to get the blog out of the way for today since I think I will be going to bed VERY early tonight.

It was a successful party and I am so glad that so many were able to make it out and have fun. Too bad is was still humid and mosquito filled so we couldn’t hang outside but that’s ok. Next year we will have it earlier in the summer again when it is nicer out.

I still have some cleaning to do today but I think that … wow … whoa … why am I feeling dizz … everything is blurry …

Hello earth dwellers. Herman here. It seems my hairless Wampa engaged in a ritual celebration last night called a “fiesta”. Based on the video communications device I am forced to watch all day, I thought a fiesta was a mode of transportation for the females of this planet. (which by the way, there are far too many females in this galaxy. Before I was abandoned here I had only known of 2 others.)

I will have to admit that it seemed that it was a good time. I did partake a little myself and had what is I believe called, an upsidedown margarita.

 

Until the next time I deem you worthy of my communicae … Don’t step in Bantha fodder.

Herman IQ 074 signing off

May The Fourth … Find My Blaster In Your Side

Yes Earth dwellers, it is I Herman. It has been one of your years since I last hijacked my hairless wampa’s communication portal and mocked your race for celebrating an extinct religion. I had hoped that this planet only did this once, but again this year the man with the lisp has been celebrated.

The fact that you still celebrate this day as such convinces me that your race will perish soon.

On a lighter note, I read today in a communique from the Empire Alumni Group that the history of the Stormtroopers will be released soon on a high definition format you people call Blu-ray. I am excited as they say they will have all of the untold stories of thousands of our trooper brethren.

This is all for now.

Herman IQ-074 signing off.

You Gotta Know When To Fold ‘Em

 

Greetings DNA impaired dwellers of Earth. It is I, Herman. My hairless Wampa apparently couldn’t handle even a shortened work week and passed out after he had too much iced tea to drink. It just goes to show the benefits of superior cloning technology. Since he was indisposed, and he put the example of inefficient reproduction into it’s nightly hibernation cycle, I decided that I would try my hand at an Earth custom you people call poker. Unfortunately I, along with my Imperial brethren had no idea how to play this game, I had to invite a rebel scum that I have dealt with, unsuccessfully I might add, to teach us this game.

The night started off well enough.

 

I was told this is a good hand

 

Soon enough the rebel scum showed his true colors and we were thinking we had been duped.

 

Something isn't quite right

 

It was clear that we were being taken advantage of. THIS movie was not going to end the same way.

 

Get him boys!

 

In the end, we “won” enough earth money to get our armor polished.

 

NEVER try to cheat the Empire

 

 

 

This Species Is Weak

It is I Earth dwellers. Herman IQ – 074. I have come to the conclusion that this planet may not even be worth conquest. I have come to this by the events of today. I have been stuck at home all day with my hairless wampa. He has a fever. He has vomited among other things. He has been laying around whining, moaning and groaning, acting as weak and worthless as a newborn Gundark. The small human that now lives here seems to be stronger and more capable that he does right now.

I feel sorry for the female of the domicile. She now needs to care for 2 infant humans. I guess being a clone gives me immunity to the germs of this planet. I will NOT be getting sick. Throwing up or even sneezing in this helmet really sucks. We don’t have windshield wipers on the inside.

I have to go and make something called “cream of chicken soup”. I do not know where I am goign to find a chicken to cream at this hour.

Stay healthy earth people.

Herman IQ-074 signing off

Don’t Believe Everything You Read

Hello Earth dwellers. It is I, Herman IQ 074. I have been laying low as of late while working on my own individual plans to take over the world. I have been occasionally reading my hairless Wampa’s communiqués and am disturbed by his latest posting.

Aliens are not, I repeat NOT, coming to take over the planet. At least not as he has portrayed them. I can also assure you that the human population of this planet are not going to be used as food. That would be an incredible waste of slave labor.

I can tell you that the rash of large deaths of animals from your world has been the result of aliens. ME! I have been doing small scale tests on new weaponry. That is all I am at liberty to say. I can tell you however, that my new weapon is almost complete and that once I receive official word from my superiors, then havoc will be wreaked.

Dead fish and birds are only the beginning. Prepare yourselves earthlings and long live the Empire!

As my Wampa would say … Until next time, remember … “People in today’s body conscious society are obsessed with losing weight. My plan is to secretly replace all the artificial sweeteners in the world with real ones, thus rendering the world’s population fat, slow moving, and completely toothless.”

Nothing Like A Good Blaster At Your Side

Hello Earth dwellers. It is I, Herman IQ 074. My witless, I mean hairless, Wampa is off making plans for when his off spring arrives.  A very inefficient means of cloning I have to say. While he is away, I have commandeered his archaic communication device to bring you his Techtainment Tuesday entry. I am writing this with something called Dragon Naturally Speaking. This much closer seems like the entry method I am used to. The voice that you may or may not be hearing though is most likely some earth woman named Majel Barrett. I have just recently learned about dragons and was not aware that they could talk, or that computers on this backwater planet, were all voiced by one person.

I would like to use this as a communication to all my clone brethren as well. I need to make you aware of the closest thing I have found to a threat on this planet. I came across a piece of technology that I am not sure if all of you are aware of. I thought that after years of battling those insipid light sabers that we were free from them. It appears we are not!

I found this page quite by accident but it worries me. We cannot allow this to fall into the hands of the people of this planet. This seems to be a powerful weapon based on the warnings on the page to obtain this weapon. It does however seem to lack the heft of the sabers used by the rebel scum of the past. We must still destroy this threat as soon as possible.

Speaking of powerful earth weapons, I was flipping through frequencies of my Wampa’s video communication screen and was rendered paralyzed by something that came on the screen. As the images flashed in front of me, I felt a wav of nausea come over me. I was frozen. I felt the knowledge being pulled from my brain. I was finally able to tear my eyes away and run. I listened from a distance to see if I could hear the name of such a powerful weapon. It seems the name of this weapon is a “mersychore”, at least that is what it sounded like. Quite a powerful way to incapacitate an enemy.

I must leave you now. I have a helmet polishing at 4 and must  return before my wampa gets home.

As my Wampa would say … until next time, remember … “You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody that looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off.”

Star Wars Day

Hello terra dwellers. It is me, Herman. I have hacked my hairless Wampa’s blog while he is engaged in meaningless work which has no benefit to the Empire. It does however give me time to abscond with this means of communication to utilize for my own purposes.

While reading the information dissemination you call a “Newspaper”, I ran across an article declaring this date as “Star Wars Day”. While I am sure this bears some significance to the rebel scum of this world, I assure you that as a loyal clone of the imperial army, this so called Star Wars Day is a sham. The only reason I have found that this Earth date is recognized as such is due to a quote of the archaic religion of the Jedi … “May the force be with you. “ Apparently someone with a speech impediment spoke this line and it came out “May the fourth be with you” and hence the day was christened.

I can well bet that none of my clone brethren are celebrating this day. The Jedi have been a pain in our armor for a long, long time. It is silly to rely on a dead religion. After all, there is no substitute for a good blaster at your side. Unless of course you have the awesome power of a death star at your disposal. THAT is tech which entertains all of us within the Imperial ranks.

I will be leaving shortly on a secret mission to an outpost called Mexico. I have been told there is a magical elixir called Tequila that I believe will tip the balance of power in our favor. Upon my return, I will continue my crusade of quashing any celebration of rebel influence.

My Wampa would have some entertaining quote here. I do not.