New iPhone 5 Rumors

Everyone wants to know what is in store for the next iPhone. Everyone is looking to rumor reports for the answers. Some of the rumors that have come out are actually from reputable sources. In my endless quest to gain national attention by being sued by a major corporation for saying something they don’t like, and after seconds of exhaustive research, pennies in bribes, a short nap and a few deep inhalations off a Magnum 44 marker, I have found a brand new list of rumored features for the next generation of iPhone. If the voices my sources are correct, then the next iPhone is going to outsell everything that has come before.

Latest rumored net gen iPhone features:

–       First off, the next gen iPhone will not be 4Gs or even iPhone 5. Apple will be going the same direction as their OS and giving it an actual name. For the iPhones, Apple did not go with big cat or even animal names, they decided to try to grab an even younger audience and go with a candy reference … “Giant Sucker”.

–       Will include Haptic Feedback. Audio sensors on the phone will be able to detect when a user is saying anything slightly negative about Apple. At this point a high voltage shock will be delivered through the metal case into the user.

–       The case of the iPhone is changing. After complaints of it being hard to hold, and the antennae gate scandal, they will be adding 150 small pin-like spikes on the pack of the phone. Not only will these aid in holding the phone if your hand is wet or dry, or if you hold it on your shoulder with your head tilted, but the spikes will pierce your skin, your body to aid the reception of the antennae. It is believed that with this new tech you will actually be able to get 23 bars of signal.

–        It will have a retractable dog leash

–       There will be a Swiss Army collection that features all the cutlery worthy of an Apple product.

–       Etched into the glass front will be an image of Steve Jobs.

–       It will have 2 cup holders.

–       If lost or stolen, you will be able to send a signal to your iPhone that will blow it up with the force of an M-80.

–       The display is being increased from Retina to Nervus Opticus.

–       New security feature will only unlock the phone after licking the screen.

If all the rumored features are true, then this will be one powerhouse of a phone. That’s all for today. I am off to find that marker again.

Until next time, remember … “Good artists copy, great artists steal.”

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One Response to “New iPhone 5 Rumors”

  1. I love it! Where can I get one 😉

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