An Open Letter

Dear lottery officials,

For a number of years I have been faithfully contributing to your games of chance. For those that contribute to “school funds”, I have put approximately 14.7 children through K-8, have purchased 2.5 classroom renovations, 9  4-square balls and 3 filmstrips of “The Hobbit”. (I have been buying lottery tickets for a long time). Due to this loyalty, I feel that it is time that you kindly reciprocate with a winning ticket larger than $3. I am not being greedy, I do not need the multiple millions, although that WOULD be nice, I just need say $250k or so … to pay off the house and cars.

If you find it in your benevolent heart to indeed bestow upon me anything over say 20 mil, I promise that I would use a portion of that toward a worthy charity such as a no-kill slug shelter, or perhaps support rehab for ferrets addicted to crack. I would still work and I would still earn a respectable wage so that I would not be a drain on my savings. I do not feel that I am asking for too much based on my years of investment in the realization of other people’s dreams.

Thank you and I look forward to the little scanner at the 7-11 telling me that I have won.



If this letter does not reach the lottery officials, then I address the following to Seth MacFarlane, Matt Groening, Seth Green and the voice talent casting directors at Disney, Warner Bros. and any other animation studio.



Thank you and good night.


3 Responses to “An Open Letter”

  1. There is no amount of positive feedback that I could provide for this piece that would even come close to the coinage you’re requesting.

    None the less, good job. Draw yourself up an “Atta boy” certificate.

  2. Me, too. Me tooo! (The money – not the cartoon. I’m already a cartoon of sorts.)

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