Friends, are you tired of PETA standing up for animal rights? Are you upset that PETA, claiming to be as high and mighty as they think they are, not protecting anyone other than animals? Would you like to see someone stand up for other things? Then you want to join P.E.T.E.

That’s right, People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything is recruiting in your area. Who are we? We are an organization whose sole purpose is to stand up for the right of everyone and everything.

From the rumpled dress on the limo floor after prom, to the Taco Bell sauce packet left in the parking lot of the high school, we will protect!

We have a fleet of vessels of all kinds that we will deploy at the slightest hint of injustice. We will stand up for the poor fur coats that those bastards at PETA throw blood all over. We will champion the rights of kelp beds disturbed by the scurrying motor boats of Greenpeace. We will protect radicchio and heirloom tomatoes from the wicked gullets of vile vegans wherever they lurk.

At P.E.T.E. we believe in our founding principles that everything should be outlawed and everything should be protected at the same time. That’s right, we are the most fringe environmental group ever. So come and join us as we protect the word and the world’s protectors from themselves. We meet alternating Tuesdays in the basement of the community church. Donations can be sent to the same address. Thank you and god bless.


One Response to “P.E.T.E.”

  1. Sign me up!
    Okay. Not really. I hate everything.

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