I Can’t Believe I Watched The Whole Thing

But I did it for you, my loyal readers, and those of you who stumbled upon this looking for something relevant. Yes, I watched the entire Oscars broadcast last night. I am deeply regretting that decision today. In my opinion, and apparently the opinions of a lot of others, it was THE worst Oscars show I can remember. I posted on my Facebook page this morning that  I was going to sue the academy to get that time of my life back. I don’t think it will work. I will agree with a friend of mine that commented when he said “Don’t blame the hosts, they did what they do. Both seemed to be themselves… which is the problem.” He said they took actors to do a stand up’s job. They did not do well. James Franco seemed like he did not want to be there and was just going through the motions to get paid. Anne Hathaway was over compensating for Franco’s lack of energy and it got REAL annoying.

 

The academy was pushing for weeks that they were trying to go hip and younger. Hell, the hosts even outright said that during the show last night. It didn’t work. The “hip and younger” academy pulled out Kirk Douglas early on. I didn’t have him on my death watch list this year because I thought he was already dead! His speech didn’t do any favors for the pacing of the show. I know he is like 95 so don’t get on me for picking on him, but for the love of god … let the poor man sit at home with his nurse and enjoy the show. He could hardly be understood and it was just sad to watch Spartacus struggle to stand up and then tell the winner as he handed over the Oscar “be careful, it’s heavy”.

 

Speaking of “He is still alive?”, the academy also brought out Eli Wallach. Why? I missed that part but if they are going for hip and young, let’s NOT bring people out, that the people they are trying to get to watch have to Google to find out who they even are. I am all for recognizing them, just when it takes up 5 minutes of the show for them to walk from the back of the stage to the front. Give them a Segway or something for cryin’ out loud.

 

James Franco dressing in drag and making a Charlie Sheen joke … really?

 

It was good to see Billy Crystal on stage to try to rescue the Oscars. He should have stayed up there. Instead, why bring Bob Hope back to life NOW? It just did not make sense. At least they didn’t make him dance with a vacuum cleaner.

 

Randy Newman … turn up your microphone. Although, you really wouldn’t be able to understand him much better than Kirk Douglas anyway but still. At least make it look like there are professional technicians working the show.

 

I would be remiss if I didn’t miss the omissions from the “In Memoriam” segment. While most of the people in the presentational re probably glad they did not have to listen to Celine Dion singing for them, it was amazing that they did not include Corey Haim, Peter Graves or Betty Garrett. Granted, Betty Garrett died this year but still, how bout a little love for Laverne and Shirley’s land lady.

 

I guess I really don’t understand why we even have to have these things televised. We, as the average person, get no input into the awards, we get nothing for watching them, there are usually little or no surprises, and they just get worse and worse every year. I am glad the actors and crew get recognition but, can’t we just read about it in the paper the next day? Let’s see ABC pick up the contract to televise the Razzies for the next 20 years. Now THAT would be entertainment!

 

Until next time, remember … “My father always told me I would be a late bloomer.”

Advertisement

And The Winner For Worst Joke At The Oscars Goes To …

The worst joke goes to ...

Almost as predictable as the winners of the Oscars usually are, are the horrible jokes that the hosts and presenters come up with. Every few years you will get a host that actually has some funny things to say, but the presenters very rarely have one funny joke between all of them. So, as a salute to the many awkward moments that we will experience tonight, I thought that I would give a list of jokes that would be better than most of those that will be told at the Oscars. Anne … James … forget what you are thinking, forget what Ricky wrote for you … grab a  few of these and pass them around to the other presenters. They aren’t the best but they will probably be better than anything else tonight.

Q: What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

A: Whatever you want, he can’t hear you!

 

Q: What do you call a zipper on a banana?

A: A fruit fly!

 

Q: Why won’t bikes stand up by themselves?

A: Because they are two tired!

 

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

A: It ran out of juice!

 

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?

A: To prove he wasn’t chicken!

 

Q: What do frogs drink?

A: CROAKa cola!

 

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

A: You’re too small to smoke!

 

Q: What is the easiest thing to part with?

A: A comb!

 

Q: What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry?

A: If you weren’t so sweet we wouldn’t be in this jam!

 

Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses!

 

Until next time, remember … “Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.”

Hey Hey Holy Mackeral

THIS is the year!

 

The Cubs play their first spring training game tomorrow. That is a sure sign of spring. That means the weather will be getting warmer, the snow will be melting, and the dog will be coming in a whole lot muddier than she has all winter. I really need to get that back yard fixed up a little better.

Anyhoo, the other thing that baseball spring training coincides with is spring cleaning. That dreaded time of year when you tell yourself that THIS is the year that you are going to get rid of all that crap that is in your basement, attic and spare rooms that you have been holding onto for years and you don’t know why. I have told myself this for the last 3 years.

This year WILL be different however. Now that Tori is here, we need to free up some of that “extra space” we used to have and get rid of a lot of stuff that we just don’t need anymore. I don’t even know what is in most of the boxes and should really just toss things a box at a time without looking inside. If I haven’t missed it for the last 4 years, then I doubt that I will miss it the next 40.

I have toyed with the idea of having a garage sale but decide it wasn’t worth it. By the time you take off of work, spend time marking everything, sitting around waiting for people and then you count up the money … it is just as worth it to drop everything thing off at good will. All you have to do is put the box in your trunk, drop it off at good will and they will even take it out of your trunk. It really isn’t about the money … it is about getting rid of everything. You can even deduct it from your taxes the following year.

Tomorrow, I will drop the dog off at the groomers, come home and turn on the Cubs game and head down to the basement to get rid of some junk.

Until next time, remember … “We could have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later. Or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later. Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I’ll take the zucchini or I can take the pork and beans and you the zucchini so what will it be? Zucchini or pork and beans?”

Man Man Man Man Manly Man

 

Charlie and his Coke

By now, the writing is pretty much on the wall for Charlie Sheen remaining on Two and a Half Men. The chances of him returning to the show are very slim. By his own rants he is starting to say that he is not going to return. It is a shame. I really like that show. I think he is hilarious but, he has self destructed. His ego has gotten in the way of reality. I predict that within 2 months he will be hiding out with Randy Quaid and his wife.

This aside, the question is, can “Men” survive as a successful series without Sheen? I think it can but it would need to have the right actor cast in the roll. I have come up with a few suggestions. What do you all think? Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments as well.

Until next time, remember … “These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them…”

Whatever You Do Don’t Look Down!

I don’t know why I was thinking about this today but on the drive home I began to ponder my Acrophobia. For those of you who don’t know, that is the fear of heights. It actually goes beyond a simple fear of heights, for me, I get pretty bad vertigo when I look down from a great height or even look up at something really tall. It is so bad for me that on our honeymoon, our room was on the 22nd floor, I had to hug the wall when we went out on the balcony and damn near had to chain myself to the chair so I didn’t feel like I was falling off the balcony.

I am not sure when I developed this. I don’t think I was always afraid of heights. I know at one point in my life I wanted to be a stuntman. Then again I think I wanted to be a driver and not one of the guys that wanted to jump off of buildings. I used to climb to the tops of big A Frame ladders working in theater.  Although I think it was a case of being able to control it better and not so much not being afraid. Recently, I can’t go to Woodfield and walk to close to the railings on the second level. I get the whole spinny, dizzy thing. I feel like I am falling or that the area around me is warping. It is really strange.

Maybe I am just getting more odd the older I get. Who knows. Maybe one day I will jump out of a place and I will no longer have the fear of heights. Maybe it will be replaced with an irrational fear of hitting the ground.

Until next time, remember … “Those who are tardy do not get fruit cup.”

That’s What She Said … I Think

I am very glad that Jason and Grant are back on TV tonight. I need to watch a few episodes of Ghost Hunters to see if hopefully they address the issues that I am having in my home. I have a healthy respect for the afterlife and the paranormal. I don’t like to upset whatever spirits may be wandering the ethereal plane. I want them to be happy if they are stuck crossing over from this world to the next. Lately however, I am really thinking my house is haunted.

I have seen our dog looking at one spot in the room on various occasions. I thought she was watching an insect. Now though, Tori is carrying on conversations with no one in particular. It first started when Jackie went to Texas. Tori kept me up all night “talking” to someone every 20 min or so just as I was falling asleep. Now, she sits in her swing, (I am actually watching her do this as I am typing) looking at a spot on the ceiling, smiling, and occasionally “talking” and even waving a little. I know that babies will look at ceiling fans, lights and other things that will grab their attention but, there is nothing there! It is a plain white ceiling! I think it’s a ghost. I could be wrong.

I also think that my baby girl is a little creepy at times. She is at the phase when she is just making noises and “talking”. I understand this. My concern is that she seems to answer me every now and then. No … it isn’t just coincidence. I swear she is answering me because the sounds she makes are different than just normal infant gargling and bubbling. She is responding to me. She is! But it IS a little creepy. She is either possessed, a genius or some spirit is telling her what to do. Would that be the same as possessed?

There is only one other possibility that I can think of … the lack of sleep over the last 5 months is catching up to me and I am totally delusional and imagining every single bit of it.Maybe I should check the size of the Twinkie.

Until next time, remember … “Either I have a monster in my kitchen or I’m completely crazy.”

We Are Too Dependant On Technology

Quick example of this tonight. My beautiful wife who I love more than anything, is far too dependent on technology. She had stopped at the store on her way home from work. She got what she needed, went out to get into her car. She stood next to the car and hit the remote door lock. Nothing. She tried again … nothing. She then stood there, upset that perhaps the battery was dead in her remote, worrying and wondering how she would be able to get into her car. She looked at her KEY and tried to think how to get into her locked car with only her KEY in her hand since her remote unlock wasn’t working. She tried the remote again, it still wouldn’t work. Was the battery really dead or was there a different problem? She was especially getting upset because the person who owned the identical car next to her’s kept locking and unlocking their car. Wait … an identical car?

Yup, she was trying to unlock the wrong car. She didn’t have to figure out how to unlock her car with the KEY.

 

Rebroadcast

Leno can do it. Letterman can do it. Oprah will be doing it for years to come.

Due to illness, today’s Voicesinmybrain.com is a re-post of an earlier episode. We hope to be back to regulary scheduled posting soon.

Lighten Up!

Posted in Nonsense with tags cash, cash 4 gold, cash for gold, fat, funny, humor, spoof on August 4, 2010 by Bob

Are you tired of never having enough money?

Are you tired of carrying around those extra pounds?

Are you tired of pumping thousands of dollars a year in gas into your car?

Well we have the solution! Ladies and gentleman welcome to Cash For Fat. That’s right! Now you don’t have to pay the plastic surgeon because with our brand new, soon to be FDA approved method^*, WE PAY YOU!

That’s right ladies and gentleman, in one short office visit you can earn between $5 and $10 for your unwanted fat. We have our processing facilities right on site so YOU don’t have to deal with a middleman! Here at Fat Direct we will take your fat and give you cash. Sign up for our vehicle modification program, and you can have your fat sucked twice a month and delivered directly into your fuel tank, saving you tens of dollars a year^†.

“But, what do you do with my fat?” Excellent question! We are always thinking about the environment. With our state of the art rendering techniques, we take your fat and recycle it into all kinds of useful products including, but not limited to: Animal Feed, Big Wheel Tires, Teething Rings, Frying Oil, Gummi Products, Window Caulk, George Foreman Grills, Sham Wows, Spare Body Parts for Heidi Pratt and Silly Putty.

Not happy with the results? We offer a money back guarantee! If you are not 100% satisfied, just come back within 12 days and get a full fat refund^††. Bring in your cash and we will inject the fat right back into you. We will even let you choose where!

In today’s tough economy, who wants to take the risk of getting rid of your precious memories and keepsakes. That just doesn’t make sense. Fat for Cash on the other hand is a great way to not only get fit, but get rich while making yourself look great! So visit one of our 4,345 locations in the tri-city area. If it was an empty storefront, we filled it so you can always find us.

Can’t make it to one of our locations or you are just a do-it-yourself kind of person? Call our toll free number and we will send you our custom plastic bio-container to send in your own fat. Once appraised, we will send you a check within 4-6 months.

The cost and uses of fat are only going to increase and right now fat is at its highest value in nearly a decade. Act now before the fat market is flooded and prices fall to disturbingly low levels.

We want to help you, help yourself, make money off of your unfortunate body.

^*The FDA has not looked at any of our methods. In fact, in all honesty, we haven’t even submitted them to the FDA for review.

^† Actual savings maybe more or less depending on your driving style. The conversion cost to change your car to a fat burner is approximately $35, 678.98

^†† Refunds are not guaranteed to return your original fat. Fat returned may be someone else’s fat. We can not guarantee the freshness of said returned fat.

The preceding message was a work of fiction. Any similarity to real companies past or present, is purely coincidental. If for any reason you believe this, please send me $500 and I will send you a check for $1000. This might be protected under intellectual copyright laws somewhere … or it might not.

Child Proof Will Be The Death Of Me

So, I have been sick all weekend. Running a fever, the whole shot. Not sure if it is the full blown out flu but it feels like a mild case. There is one thing that comes along with being sick and running a fever. Weakness. I am not talking about me being a sick wuss weakness (I have that too) but the physical weakness. Makes it tiring to walk across the room, makes everything heavier that it should be. It also makes it damn near impossible to open any over the counter medication to help make you feel better!

I have been downing the Dayquil and Nyquil all weekend. They are in these stupid blister packs that you can’t just push the pills through the back. You have to rip the foil. I couldn’t do it. I had to get a pair of scissors and cut them open. When you are feeling like crap, how is it a good thing to make it harder to get into the drugs that I need to make me less cranky.

Prescription medicine is easier to get into than over the counter stuff is. Does that really make sense? Am I missing something? Ugh. I will just have to wait until Tori gets older I guess until I can get sick again after this so she can open my child proof medicine.

This Species Is Weak

It is I Earth dwellers. Herman IQ – 074. I have come to the conclusion that this planet may not even be worth conquest. I have come to this by the events of today. I have been stuck at home all day with my hairless wampa. He has a fever. He has vomited among other things. He has been laying around whining, moaning and groaning, acting as weak and worthless as a newborn Gundark. The small human that now lives here seems to be stronger and more capable that he does right now.

I feel sorry for the female of the domicile. She now needs to care for 2 infant humans. I guess being a clone gives me immunity to the germs of this planet. I will NOT be getting sick. Throwing up or even sneezing in this helmet really sucks. We don’t have windshield wipers on the inside.

I have to go and make something called “cream of chicken soup”. I do not know where I am goign to find a chicken to cream at this hour.

Stay healthy earth people.

Herman IQ-074 signing off