The City Of Snow

As everyone knows, the midwest is looking down the throat of one of the worst storms ever. Supposedly, we are going to get slammed with 20 inches. (that’s what she said). I personally don’t think we are going to get as much as they say, but, who knows. I have been wrong before. I am preparing for the worst … I have extra salt, gas for the snow blower, we have plenty of food and water so that we can survive the Snowpocalypse , Snowmageddon or whatever else you want to call it. I live in the suburbs of Chicago so I only have this storm to worry about. Those in the city have another snow storm to weather … the mayoral election. Apparently, one of the candidates for mayor was a cocaine addict years ago. Does this mean she will be the best at snow removal?

Yeah, that whole thing was all a setup for one cheap shot.

It is snowing out right now. About maybe a half inch has come down so far. It is already blowing and starting to drift a little. That is report one on Blizzard-Gate 2011. If it starts to snow like they say, I may be able to post a little earlier tomorrow if leaving work early is in order. I will let you all know about the snow since I am sure you all want to know. Well, those of you who read this who don’t live here anyway.

Don’t worry, I won’t update on the Chicago mayoral race. I don’t want to do politics here.

Until next time, remember … “I think we are on the verge of a major climate shift!”

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We Shouldn’t Worship False Idols

What a weekend! Finally got the driveway cleared (just in time for the next foot of snow), got the Christmas decorations all down and put away, did a few other things. We even took Tori out to breakfast for the first time. She did pretty well, she had stuffed french toast with a side of bacon and some apple juice. I was pretty surprised that she finished it all since usually she doesn’t eat ANYWHERE near that much. Of course I am kidding. She is only 4 months old. She didn’t have a side of sausage.

So, we finished some shopping today and I did some laundry and yada, yada and then it happened. Jackie wanted to watch American Idol that she still hasn’t watched from the first week it was on. I watched with her due to morbid curiosity. I shouldn’t have done that. I really don’t know why I thought this would be any different than any other year that this insipid show has been on. It wasn’t. A few observations that I am sure many have made before.

 

1. If Steven Tyler is going to scream 900 times every episode, then I should have Tori audition as a judge. She sounds just like him when she screams.

2. Jennifer Lopez … she just sucks. She is trying to be all cutesy. It doesn’t work. Although I did find it amusing when Ryan was saying how she was a singer, dancer and a talented actress who’s movies have made half a million at the box office. She has made 23 movies according to IMDB which means, if I heard Ryan correctly of course, that each of her movies has only made $21k each on average. That is pretty bad. Goes along with how much I personally think she can’t act.

3. Steven Tyler … stop telling the 15 year old girls that they are showing just the right amount of skin. That is just creepy and wrong.

4. Randy is well, I don’t even know what to say. He is supposed to be the “leader” of the judges but he just kind of sat there like a lump I thought.

5. Someone tell the little teeny boppers (is that still a use-able phrase?) that Ryan is really gay. He is only dating Julianne Hough for appearances.

6. I really don’t understand why they even show the auditions and the people that suck. I understand that it is funny. I laugh too. I also get embarrassed for these people. Maybe it is because I am getting old that I don’t appreciate the exploitation aspect as much as I should. I think that the thing that bothers me the most is the people that sing worse than William Hung, show up with their parents who are there encouraging them and are telling them that they are good. Not just good, but good enough to be on a singing competition. I cry for our country.

Thankfully, on most nights, I won’t have to watch this train wreck of a reality show. Jackie can record it every week and watch it while I am paying bills, cleaning or giving myself a root canal.

I am not sure how viral I am getting. I DO know that in the last few days I have had almost more views of my video in the last 3 days than I have in the last 2 years. So that is kind of cool. I will have to come up with something that can really get things going. It is hard to worry about that though when I am sitting here watching Tori try to roll over. It is soooooo cute!!!!

 

Well, that’s it for today. Until next time, remember … “singing is not your thing”

I’m Starting To Get Boring

As you can tell, I am pretty tired from the last week. Between the baby, the dog, the viral and what not, when Jackie got home last night, I just crashed. Today was a little more productive. Fixed the snow blower, finally cleared the driveway and got the Christmas tree taken down. Fortunately, because of the clean driveway, I didn’t have to cook and ordered some delivery.

I also realized over the last few days that I need to make some more videos that I have to post with more voices. This is shaping up to be harder than I thought.

Tomorrow, we are planning on taking Tori with us out to breakfast for the first time. We really haven’t taken her out as I was afraid of being “that” parent. Now that she is on Zantac and seems to be a little better, I think I can risk it. We are going to try the whole breakfast and then running errands all with the baby. We haven’t done that for a while so we will see how it goes.

Well, I know this wasn’t really funny or all that interesting tonight but as I said, I am really beat. Hopefully soon I will be getting back on track with some humor and amusement.

 

 

 

Fame Is Tiring

Trying to be famous is pretty exhausting. This whole trying to go viral thing is a lot more work than I thought. It seems to be working though, at least a little. I got posted on Tosh.0 and there were a number of hits so …

Jackie also is now home. Tori is happy, and I will be going to sleep as soon as I hit post on this.

Until next time, sweet dreams all and keep my virus growing!

Get Me Some Salve, I Might Be Viral

Ok, so I even kinda grossed myself out with that title but it made ya wonder and read some more didn’t it? As most of you know, through my shameless plugging as self promotion, that I did a video of me singing the Rainbow Connection from the Muppet Movie. I sang it with like 10 or 12 different Muppet voices. If you haven’t see the video, you can view it HERE. Well, some people at work decided they wanted to have fun with it.

I work at an interactive advertising agency, which means we do things for the web. My video has been up on YouTube for about a year, but all of a sudden a few of them decided they wanted to do a social media experiment and use my video. They want to see what they can do to make older content go viral in a short time. They are sending it out, sharing links, will be updating tagging, yada, yada, yackity schmackity. They want to make me famous. Which in turn might get me voice over work. Which in turn would be good PR for the company. Which in turn MIGHT get everyone who made me go viral a nice raise. Maybe not that last part.

I am interested to see what happens. I have to admit it would be REALLY cool to get in the million views range. It would be even cooler to get a job as a cartoon voice, or just to do some voice over work in general. I don’t have a golden voice but I am also not living on a street corner and don’t need rehab.

So, if you want to be part of making me the next viral sensation and making me famous for all of 30 seconds per video clip show, link to the above video from anywhere you can. Post it on Facebook, Tweet the link, Digg it, StumbleUpon it, share it on whatever other sites. Share it from the bottom of this post. You even have full permission to repost this blog entry. Do whatever you have to do to make me a viral sensation. I am confident it can be done. Granted, I am not the most talented person out there, but there are a WHOLE lot of people with FAR less talent getting famous and rich for no reason. And no … I am NOT going to make a sex tape to be famous.

Stay tuned over the next few days and weeks to se how we are doing. Actually, if we succeed, you shouldn’t have to look for updates here.

Until next time, remember … “we don’t want to be happy, we want to be famous!”

It Tastes Good, And Is Good For You Too!

The above statement is VERY subjective when it comes to today’s post. What is something that supposedly tastes good and is healthy yet some people are repulsed by it? Why Taco Bell of course. By now I am sure you have heard that Taco bell is being sued because their beef isn’t beef enough to be called beef. So, I haven’t been ordering beef tacos, burritos and enchiritos all these years? Yeah, I have, but what I have been getting is even better than I thought!

Some of you may remember that a while back I wrote about the new, at the time, Taco Bell Drive Thru Diet. It supposedly featured a woman who lost weight from eating Taco Bell Fresco Menu instead of the regular stuff. It turns out, that you could get some good stuff from eating Taco Bell’s mystery meat as well. “How?” you ponder.

It turns out that the “beef” being used by TB … maybe I shouldn’t call them TB … by Taco Bell is chock full of soy product and some sort of oats and other vegetable by products. Who would have ever thought that you could get a full serving of vegetables in every serving! But shhhhh….don’t tell the kids! Not only do you get vegetable goodness, but with the added oats, you get the whole grain goodness of fiber! (and you thought the only reason you had to run to the bathroom after eating it was because of the grease) Everyone knows that fiber is essential to weight loss and the folks over at Taco Bell have added to the effectiveness of their “Drive-thru diet” by adding fiber!

Really though, I go to Taco bell because I like it. I am sick I know. Don’t worry,  I do NOT consider Taco Bell to be good Mexican food. Actually, I do not consider Taco Bell to be Mexican food at all other than the names of the items on their menu. I DO find it hilarious though that there are people out there that have absolutely NOTHING better to do than to sue a fast food place for not having enough beef in their beef. It is FAST FOOD. It is CHEAP! That is why the “beef” options are cheaper than the chicken of the steak. The same people who are complaining about the beef will then say that it is too expensive now. These people’s time would be far better spent spending the money they waste in legal fees on helping the homeless or having their high and mighty attitudes fixed. I know I am all of a sudden on a soap box but come on. These are the same people that got Road Runner to stop showing violence and warning labels put on bags of peanuts that say “this product contains peanuts”. And everyone wonders why everything costs so much. It all comes down to people being too lazy to live their own lives and too damn lazy to raise their own children and too stupid to be responsible for their own actions. You don’t like the “beef” at Taco Bell … then go to Wendy’s! Don’t screw with my oat and soy burrito!

Wow, I kinda got all worked up on that one. Sorry about that, I just am really getting peeved at the human race lately.

I am going to eat at Taco Bell and every other fast food place I want to whether they have beef, “beef” or rat burgers. Well maybe not rat burgers, but you get my point.

AMERICA!!! Stop wasting people time and money and just avoid something if you don’t like it. If it is that bad and enough people avoid it, they will change and you will win. This really ended up 180˚ from where I had started but that is my brain on Taco Bell.

Night one with Tori went … ok I guess. She went to sleep just fine at 9:15 ish. Out like a light. At 11:30 or so she decided to “talk” to the ghost that apparently occupied her bedroom. Every 20 min she decided to do this until she got bored at 3:30 a.m. Yeah, I overslept a little. And I am WAYYYY tired today. Hopefully tonight will be better. Only 2 more nights on my own to go.

Until next time, remember … “my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and… I donno. I couldn’t keep up.”

I Knew It!

Welcome friends to Techtainment Tuesday. I have been a little remiss in keeping up with both technology AND entertainment lately so I am going to zip through this relatively quickly today.

Until next time, remember …

Nah, I have a little more than that to write. It is true that I haven’t been keeping up with technology as of late. The only real tech thing I have is that Verizon WILL have an unlimited data plan for their iPhone. I am still not getting one yet. I am still a hater I guess.

In entertainment news … sort of … it looks like I, along with a small handful of others, have been vindicated for not jumping on the Ted “golden voice” Williams bandwagon.

Golden Mug Shots

 

Pretty short stint at rehab for someone who claimed they were clean for 2 years. Hate me all you want but, I always thought there was something fishy. What kind of ticks me off about that though is that someone like that, who lies and makes up stories, gets his chance, and blows it to hell, while people who are also talented but don’t get their breaks because we they don’t have sob stories. Maybe I should pretend I am homeless and then I will get my big break as a cartoon or Muppet voice. Granted, I really haven’t done a whole lot on my end other than making a silly video. What? You haven’t seen it? Well by all means click here then. (Yeah, yeah I whore myself any chance I get)

In other entertainment news … FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ZSA ZSA GIVE UP!!! I am sorry, that is a truly cruel and tasteless thing to say. That is why this blog is not rated G. Seriously though, Is she hanging around to be with her husband who is so incompetent he glued not one, but BOTH of his eyes shut? We would all like to see SOMEONE on the death pool die this year.

Joel McHale is Oprah’s Half sister!! I thought that was one of the funniest tweets I have seen yet. Another funny item was a Facebook post from a friend of mine David, who posted in reaction to the Oprah news “The biiggest secret of all this? Oprah ate the other half.” – Thank you Mr. Mazzie.

Apparently MTV is going to have commercial free programming. Skins is losing all of it’s sponsors. I have heard a rumor that the show will stay on because it will have only one sponsor. Woody Allen will be exclusively advertising his new movies during that show. Wow, that joke is showing my age.

I don’t think I am going to have any input on the Oscars this year, at least not before the show. I may actually do live updates DURING the show this year…maybe. I just haven’t seen enough of the movies that are nominated. I may have to just stick with the Razzies.

One last little bit of tech. Facebook is introducing “sponsored stories”. This means that if you “like” something or mention a brand in your post, the company you mentioned can buy it and use it as an ad. Are they buying it from you? OF COURSE NOT! Facebook gets the money and you lose your special comment. Sounds like a crappy deal to me. If a company wants me to write their advertisements, then they can hire me and pay me to do so. I think I will have to boycott talking about anything on Facebook that might be construed as an advertisement.

Tonight begins day one of the 3 night experiment “Bob alone with the baby”. I did pretty well a couple weekend ago so I think I will do just fine. I am anticipating that no housework will get done, dishes will pile up and I will be partaking in a lot of drive-up window dinners the next few days. This is only due to the fact that Piper, our American Bulldog, has been rather jealous the last few weeks. I am not sure I can play with both of them at the same time quite yet. We shall see what happened. I usually don’t tweet, but there may be a few choice tweets the next few days.

That’s all for now. Until next time, remember … “Sweeeeet poooetaaaaaayyytoooooe”

I Want To Get Juiced

A long, long time ago, in an apartment in Crystal Lake, I was up way too late watching TV. It was past the bad late night movie and even past time for the really bad late movie. I was up so late I had moved into the infomercial zone.

I tried to change the channel to something more redeeming but every channel had someone selling something. I was inundated by loud pitches from Billy Mays, Anthony Sullivan, Matthew Lesko, Chef Tony, Cathy Mitchell and the Sham Wow guy. Oddly enough, the godfather of infomercials, Mr. Popeil, was nowhere to be found that night. (Although this did not dissuade me from singing Mr. Popeil by Weird Al.)

As I sifted through the information that was assaulting my senses, I came across the one infomercial item I

Jack LaLanne

have lusted for since I first saw it. A Juicer! Not just any juicer, the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer™. The juicer of juicers. Stainless steel blades, extra large pulp basket … the works. The only problem, it was like $200 at the time and I was unemployed. So, I never got my juicer. Now, Jack is gone. He lived until he was 96 living off of juice. He did a lot of exercise too, but I am pretty lazy so I am hoping that if I go out and buy one of his juicers, I will live to be 96. I also want to pull a boat across the bay to Alcatraz. Rest in peace Jack.

Until next time, remember … “What’s the good of living if you can’t have the things that give a little enjoyment?”

Back To Normal … Sort Of

Well, the Bears lost. No I am not happy about it really. I wish they would have won, gone to the super bowl, and won. It would be good for the city. I AM however glad that it is over and every single news story and news article will NOT be about the bears and the super bowl. I DO regret that they lost because now all the Packer fans will be riding the Bears fans about how they are better and yada yada yada.

I wasn’t planning on watching the game. In fact, I wasn’t watching the game until Jackie got out of the shower and made me turn it on. While my insights on football are far from expert, here are some things I noticed during the game.

1.     The Bears kind of sucked

2.     The Bears went through almost as many quarterbacks as the Cubs go through relief pitchers.

3.     The Fox announcers seemed to be Packer fans.

4.     Budweiser already started their Super Bowl ads with a “to be continued”

5.     The Bears kind of sucked.

6.     Joe Buck is about looks to be about the same size as Ryan Seacrest

7.     Green Bay can even score with a 400 lb player.

8.     I thought the fat guy’s dance was hillarious

9.     The Bears REALLY suck.

 

I am glad I did not invest my life blood into rooting for the Bears this past week. Oh well it is done, it is over, Packer fans leave me alone, I did not make fun of you this week. Bears fans who were criticizing me for no spirit … told you so?

I have 2 days left until I am left alone with Tori for 4 days. Jackie is going to be gone Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night. She is going to San Antonio and is leaving Tori AND Piper alone with me for 3 nights. While Tori will be at Grandma’s during the day, she still is going to be alone with me all night. I will have to adjust to a few things like getting ready in the morning, and feeding, both her and me. It will be interesting but I survived 2 weekends ago so I should be ok.

Well that is about it for today. Had to get it out there. Some of you will be relieved that this week my posts may be VERY short since I am the only one with Tori this week. There will be something every day but I want to apologize now for the quality that will be lacking this week.

Loves Me A Date Day

Today was date day for me and the wife. Jackie’s mom watched Tori al day for us so we were able to go to the Museum of Science and Industry to take in the second to last day of the Jim Henson exhibit. After that we went out to dinner, did our standard, ever romantic, Wal-Mart trip. We then picked up our Bug, came home and are getting ready to watch a movie. I figured I had time to recap the day while Jackie changed Tori and got her ready for bed.

First off, the Jim Henson exhibit was awesome. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it had a number of his original sketches and histories of his early days, there were Muppets and people looking at me strangely when I did the voice of every Muppet they had on display (what a good time to pimp my YouTube video of me singing The Rainbow Connection in Muppet Voices) … I was like a little kid. I even paid the outrageously high price for the picture of Jackie and I in front of the Muppet wall at the entrance. Yeah … Just like a tourist.

The one thing that I was a little saddened by was that you couldn’t take pictures. I would have tried to sneak a few, but I did NOT want to get kicked out and that would have been my luck. I did get a picture with one of my favs though.

 

Well, not exactly “with” him. The exhibit was closed already and these were through the glass.

 

We did get to check out a few of the other exhibits too. The MSI is just such a cool place that it is impossible to see everything properly in one day. But we did see planes, trains and automobiles, space stuff, robots, a fairy castle and oh yeah …. Chicks Man. (Joel McHale would be so jealous … maybe not)

Chicks Man

 

Well, the baby is in bed and it is time to watch the third installment of Family Guy’s take on Start Wars – It’s A Trap. May the force be with you and until next time, remember … “Life’s like a movie, write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending.”