Archive for August 4, 2010

Lighten Up!

Posted in Nonsense with tags , , , , , , on August 4, 2010 by Bob

Are you tired of never having enough money?

Are you tired of carrying around those extra pounds?

Are you tired of pumping thousands of dollars a year in gas into your car?

Well we have the solution! Ladies and gentleman welcome to Cash For Fat. That’s right! Now you don’t have to pay the plastic surgeon because with our brand new, soon to be FDA approved method*, WE PAY YOU!

That’s right ladies and gentleman, in one short office visit you can earn between $5 and $10 for your unwanted fat. We have our processing facilities right on site so YOU don’t have to deal with a middleman! Here at Fat Direct we will take your fat and give you cash. Sign up for our vehicle modification program, and you can have your fat sucked twice a month and delivered directly into your fuel tank, saving you tens of dollars a year.

“But, what do you do with my fat?” Excellent question! We are always thinking about the environment. With our state of the art rendering techniques, we take your fat and recycle it into all kinds of useful products including, but not limited to: Animal Feed, Big Wheel Tires, Teething Rings, Frying Oil, Gummi Products, Window Caulk, George Foreman Grills, Sham Wows, Spare Body Parts for Heidi Pratt and Silly Putty.

Not happy with the results? We offer a money back guarantee! If you are not 100% satisfied, just come back within 12 days and get a full fat refund††. Bring in your cash and we will inject the fat right back into you. We will even let you choose where!

In today’s tough economy, who wants to take the risk of getting rid of your precious memories and keepsakes. That just doesn’t make sense. Fat for Cash on the other hand is a great way to not only get fit, but get rich while making yourself look great! So visit one of our 4,345 locations in the tri-city area. If it was an empty storefront, we filled it so you can always find us.

Can’t make it to one of our locations or you are just a do-it-yourself kind of person? Call our toll free number and we will send you our custom plastic bio-container to send in your own fat. Once appraised, we will send you a check within 4-6 months.

The cost and uses of fat are only going to increase and right now fat is at its highest value in nearly a decade. Act now before the fat market is flooded and prices fall to disturbingly low levels.

We want to help you, help yourself, make money off of your unfortunate body.

*The FDA has not looked at any of our methods. In fact, in all honesty, we haven’t even submitted them to the FDA for review.
Actual savings maybe more or less depending on your driving style. The conversion cost to change your car to a fat burner is approximately $35, 678.98
†† Refunds are not guaranteed to return your original fat. Fat returned may be someone else’s fat. We can not guarantee the freshness of said returned fat.
The preceding message was a work of fiction. Any similarity to real companies past or present, is purely coincidental. If for any reason you believe this, please send me $500 and I will send you a check for $1000. This might be protected under intellectual copyright laws somewhere … or it might not.
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