One Word At A Time

As I wrote one day past, I called for ways to make my blog more of a test to my skill as a blog dude. The first dare I got, was to write the whole blog with words that have just one beat to them. Of course, that came from my wife. At first glance of this taunt, I thought that it would take me years to write in such a vein. The hard part will be to make this blog make sense and cause glee with my fans. If you think on it, it can’t be that hard to write like this. I give you these as proof: “now the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some.” Or “you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.” I will not say that I am as good with the pen as those folks were. I can just say what I can.

I will say though, as I drove home from work last night, I was so glad that swear words are one beat. I think it was four for one jerk night on the roads. I tried to keep count of the gobs of road laws that were done in, just by what I know of the law (which is not much). I saw at least ten plus three folks that broke the law. From wrong left turns, to a foul lane merge, I saw it all. I was glad to make it home safe. I was glad there was not a small child in the car with me. There were times that my words were as if they came from a man of the sea or a guy that drives a truck. Right now I feel as though my speech is the same as the Old Spice guy. Look at your mate, look at my blog, look back at your mate, wish that they were my blog?

Wow, this is hard to do. It is hard on my brain to think in one beat words. It sounds odd as well. It makes me sound like I talk like old time folks.

I at last tore the old stuff that was on the floor in the soon to be kid’s room last night. LOTS of dust when that stuff came up. We think the folks who were there back when we did not live here, had some large thing fall on the floor and made a big hole in the wood. I put some stuff in to fill it. Now I need to sand.

So, I see that this is not so fun when I can not use big words. I find this a tad sad. I did make the try though. Good thing I love you wife!

My brain hurts on this one, so I am out of here. Next time will be more fun … so keep in mind … “AH!”

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I Know What I Promised

So, I am sure the hundreds of you out there that tune in religiously to my blog are asking yourselves “What happened to the promised blog about the importance of monkeys in the development of modern music?” I didn’t write it. There were a couple reasons: A) I pretty much didn’t do ANYTHING after work yesterday except try to stay awake long enough to watch PSYCH.  B) I thought about it more and realized that if I had written what I wanted to write about, then even I would have questioned why I know so much about “Boy Bands”. Don’t ask.

The first manufactured boy band

Why am I telling you this? Why am I calling myself out? Why am I using up my lunch hour typing this? Why am I admitting an unhealthy knowledge about boy bands? Well, I was reading Kapgar’s Snippet Wednesday last night and I feel as I am dangerously close to fitting into the category of bloggers that he called out last night as having “given up” on blogging. At the start of the year, I had promised 3 posts a week. Even offered an incentive to readers so that I would keep myself honest. Over the last few months, I have failed in that promise. I have let down my legions of fans. (do ten readers make up a legion or for that matter make them fans?) I have been remiss in my writing duties. I have left at least 4 of you with an empty void, needing to be filled with meaningless minutia and incoherent ramblings that bring an unadulterated joy to your lives each day that I post. Furthermore, “I did gagoogidy that girl. I gashmoygadied her gaflavity with my googus. And I am sorry.” But I digress.

As I said the other day, I would like to blame my writing on preparations for the baby, writer’s block or something else … but I can’t. Just ask anyone I talk to on a daily basis; I have PLENTY of nonsense I could write about. God knows I talk about it all day.

Anyhoo, I have a request for you … my readers, my fellow bloggers, my friends, and those of you who I pay to artificially inflate the stats on my blog. I need challenges. I need bizarre ideas for my posts. I am not necessarily looking for topics. Although, if it is something I would have to totally make up, and BS my way through, it might be fun. Someone already gave me one idea I like that I am considering. What I am looking for is wacky stuff. Like … writing the entire blog phonetically, or using no vowels … such craziness as that, but MORE challenging! I already have a few ideas but I want MORE!!!

EVERY idea will be attempted. Remember, this is YOUR chance to try and make me seem more foolish and crazy than I already do on my own. I might even make this into a contest, voted on by you. (I wanted the Blagojevich jury but they aren’t releasing the names) I am thinking maybe some free tickets to Santa’s Village. Fun stuff huh? Huh?

Jackie has never been to a drive-in movie.  I am thinking that her first experience with the super big screen should be in a few weeks. The drive-in by us is having a weekend throwback series of older movies. I am thinking that her first drive-in should be during the Monty Python weekend. Life of Brian and Holy Grail on the super huge screen. Thinking we may have to go even if we see something before that.

Well, that is all for today, remember to get me those ideas and I will be back soon with all kinds of fun stuff. Until next time remember … “you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.”

A-6 … YOU SANK MY …

…faith in the future of movie making. Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, welcome to a heavy hearted edition of Techtainment Tuesday. No, don’t worry, nothing seriously has happened. Family and friends are all well. My heart is heavy because of the constant decline of the movie industry. I have made my feelings clear before. I will continue to tirelessly beat the issue. There is just no originality left in Hollywood. At least not enough to justify me paying $10 and above to see a movie.

What has gotten me today you ask? I was reading the newspaper and other various sources of online news this morning, and saw the headline “Music Star To Act in First Movie”. I was curious so I clicked on the link. Not only was I bummed out to see that it was Rihanna they were talking about (not a fan), I was also depressed to see the movie she is going to be in. Battleship.

Once again Hollywood has given up creativity and looked to a game that has been around since the early 1900s (yes, really it has. See here.). I remember playing Battleship. It actually was one of my favorite games. I was able to cheat quite effectively until that insipid electronic version came out. I was the CHAMP! Very rarely lost unless someone was better at cheating that I was. But I digress. They are making a movie of Battleship?!?!

I am sure that this news has been out for a while, and I am not quite sure how I missed it. Or maybe I just don’t remember complaining about it before. Regardless, I sat at my desk for a while trying to figure out how the heck Battleship could be a movie? It would be like, oh, I don’t know, making a Broadway musical about chess. I read on to see what the premise of the movie will be. Apparently, Rihanna and a True Blood vampire are going to be battling an unknown force from space or some silliness. REALLY?!?!?!

I know, there are a FEW original ideas n Hollywood. VERY FEW. I know that I have complained about this before, and I will continue to complain because, well, I can. I am more worried about my children growing up. (yeah, I am actually going there) Honestly, when I was a kid, I remember playing with my Star Wars action figures, and having wars with them, my DinoBots and my Micronauts (how many of you even remember those). It was driven by imagination. I made up my own story lines and had fun. I know, I know, Transformers and Star Wars were both movies/cartoons also but, they were original then. I will go another route, I remember playing Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sorry, Stay Alive and BATTLESHIP! Are we going to have movies of Kerplunk, Mr. Mouth and Don’t Break The Ice? Before you know it there will be movies from great games like Clue and Monopo … oh wait … never mind.

Of course they have been making video games into movies for years. I am not going to harp on that one because there is just no end to that one. Before you know it they will even make a movie about Pong.

Once again I am sure that I have diverted away from my original topic and have put forth a pointless, rambling work of craziness. This is good for me as it is kind of like therapy.

Don’t forget to tune in tomorrow when I will be espousing on the importance of Monkeys in the development of modern music.

Until next time remember … “monkey’s brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.”

FEATURE ME! FEATURE ME!

I have been blogging on WordPress.com for a little over a year now. I have had some funny blogs, some unfunny blogs, some good pictures, no pictures and a variety of other things in my posts. No matter what I post though, I have yet to be featured on the “Freshly Pressed” section of the WordPress.com home page.

Obligatory Image Insertion

For those of you who don’t know what this is, it is a section where 10 blogs are posted on the home page as featured blogs. I have clicked through a number of these and sometimes I just think to myself “really?!?!” I have had PLENTY of blogs that I think were far more amusing that the ones they have featured there. I know that they are randomly chosen, and they even had a post about how to get chosen. It seems to me I have done most of the things that it takes to get chosen to be freshly pressed.

I will admit that incoherent ramblings aren’t always the things that masses of people want to read but still, I would like the shot. I would like the personal satisfaction to know that I was good enough to be one of the chosen few. One of the elite to have their blog opened up to possibly hundreds of hits in one or two days. I want my 15 minutes of blogging fame.

With that said, I am not complaining about the selection process really. I don’t want the committee to think that I am writing this just to get chosen … oh wait, I am doing that. Hmmm. That probably will keep me from getting chosen. Come to think of it, my spelling is pretty bad at times, my grammar is nowhere close to being copywriter quality. I don’t have very many interesting original images. My headlines are often times lacking and most times my content isn’t all THAT interesting is it? I am starting to see now, why I am not chosen.

Oh well, I guess I should just be happy to have the readers that I DO have. I love my readers and the comments that they leave are many times much better than my actual blog post and keep me and my wife laughing for hours. Well, ok it is usually my wife laughing at me, but still.

Well, I am hoping that the powers that be will someday find one of my blogs interesting enough to feature me on the home page. Until then, I will continue to let the voices tell me what to write and hopefully entertain all of you.

Hey look at me! I posted three days in a row! I hope I can keep it up but made the list of things that need to be done before the baby comes and … YIKES! I am going to be one busy soon to be daddy the next couple of months.

Well, I am off to come up with a hundred or so tags to let me be found. Until next time, even if I am never featured, remember … “when I die, on my deathbed, I will receive total consciousness. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

I Want My … I Want My … I Want My Free TV

It is here! Actually, it was here, then it was gone for a week or 2, but now it is back again! Welcome to Techtainment Tuesday!!! When we last saw our intrepid blogger, he was talking about how he had writer’s block. He finally came up with something blog-worthy but, in the process, apparently sipped up some of the creative juices of someone else’s excuses. He should have just said he was purely lazy. Which also would have been true. But then, if he had not infringed upon the literary genius of another, he wouldn’t have this opening paragraph for today! We join today’s blogging with our main character vowing to plagiarize excuses for not blogging, in part or in whole, with not even the excuse changing to protect the guilty. What does ANY of this have to do with Techtainment Tuesday you ask? Well, nothing. Just was fun to write. On to the fun stuff!

I have a few things that I want to mention today. I don’t have a lot on any of them, so once again I am going to steal a concept, maybe 2 depending on how you look at it. At least this time I am acknowledging it. I am going to do a bullet kinda thing ala Sybil that may look like a snippet kinda thing ala Kapgar. Once again, to the two of you, let me know where to send the royalty fees and I will send them out just as soon as I am done planning and prepping for the baby’s arrival.

• LOVING the new Starburst commercials with the “contradictions”. My favorite, Screaming Mime. If I had come up with this years ago I could have made HUNDREDS!

• REALLY getting pissed off at ALL televisions stations, broadcast and cable, for putting those stupid footer animations advertising shows on their station. WE KNOW! Every other commercial is for another TV show so why do you have to block out the closed captioning for COPS with another commercial. Also, we know what channel we are on … take it out of the corner please.

• Have I mentioned how much I LOVE DVR? Well I do.

• Went to look at the DROID X this weekend. The screen is bigger than my whole BB Storm. Can’t justify that much for a phone to read email and update Facebook though. Am I missing something?

• Facebook appears to be doing updates again without telling people. “Events” pages have changed from what they were a couple weeks ago and I am starting to get updates from people who I have hidden so I don’t see their updates.

• Not really down with the new look of the Google News page. Much harder to read on my phone. I am not a fan of the Google mobile layout either.

• Will Ferrell is in a new movie. What kind of character will he play? Hmmm … SURPRISE! He is playing the same thing he plays in ALL of his movies. Will … Even Adam Sandler has moved on from the moron role. “Idiocracy” is becoming more and more a prophecy.

• Another movie I saw a commercial for is starring all of the big name action stars from the last 20-30 years. Does this mean that it is going to be the ultimate in worst acting in the last 20-30 years? Don’t get me wrong, I want to see it but … dayum!

• mixpl *&$%0 da – .. airfj – Oops, sorry about that. Was leaning on my keyboard a little to hard. Disrupted the flow from the usb cable connection. Yes it’s an Apple keyboard.

• This just in … that last joke was REALLY bad and I admit it.

And a few items from the “World is coming to an end because we think this is news” department:

• Lindsay Lohan can’t even retain the lawyer that defended O.J. AND she was late to report to jail. I would be too.

• Jersey Shore actors are on Strike

• Glenn Beck is going blind (isn’t he pretty blind already?)

• Mel Gibson has ANOTHER tape with bad things on it. We get it, he hates the woman he cheated on his wife and had a child with. Move back to Australia already.

Well, entertaining or not, this was a whirlwind today and I am just glad that I got to get it all to you for your enjoyment. Please fill out your comment cards and leave them in the vase by the front door. Don’t forget to visit the gift shop and please, have your pets spayed or neutered.

Until next time remember, It’s solid, but juicy like a liquid.

My Wasted Weekend

You would think that since I haven’t been posting to my blog much lately that I have been engaged in a multitude of exciting and massively time consuming activities these past many weeks. “Eeeh! Sorry Hans, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?”

Truth be told, I have hit somewhat of a MAJOR writers block and really haven’t had anything entertaining to say. Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of things that I could talk about, but I feel like I let you, my loyal readers, down if I do not in some way try to entertain.

I know what you are thinking by the title. I got wasted this weekend right? Not really. The best chance I had of that was Saturday night when I went to see my friend David do an acoustic set (more on that in a moment) at Port Edwards. I set out thinking “Hey! I have a designated driver. I am going to enjoy a few adult beverages and relax. Never happened. Our waitress was so inattentive that I never got past a couple much less able to get to a few. We changed tables to an entirely different area of the bar, didn’t tell her, and she didn’t even bother to look for us until we told the bartender we moved and wanted our check. We had ordered a couple drinks and appetizers so it wasn’t like we only had a soft drink on the tab. It just confounds me that once she saw we were gone, she wouldn’t even look around to see if we were still there or if we had ditched out on our tab. I think that was possibly the first time in my life that I did not leave a tip of any kind.

Back to the music. I have known David for a number of years. I would recommend him in a heartbeat for birthdays, corporate events, celebrity interventions, etc. What? What kind of music does he play? Oh, well, let me see…let me describe the one part of his show this way … if you haven’t heard “Flock of Seagulls” on a Mandolin … you have not lived.

Other than that, I did not go to Pitchfork, I did not go to see Dithp … dithpi … dicspi … Despicable Me, I did not put the painting supplies away a week after finishing painting, I did not mow the front yard (although I DID mow the prairie out back), I did not go grocery shopping, I did not do laundry … don’t worry, I had enough laundry for today at least. There was not a whole lot that I DID do this weekend. Yes, I wasted my weekend. It was relaxing though and we did get a few things done.

Speaking of Pitchfork, I still haven’t given up on my dream for The Garden Weasel Festival of Music and Sound. If you are new to the blog clicking on the link will let you read all about my musical aspirations. A venue and date is still in the works.

So, went to lunch today at a fast food establishment that will remain un-named (mainly because I don’t want people to know I eat there), ordered my food, got my food, sat down and proceeded to eat my food. It was late as far as lunch goes so there were only a few people there. I sat down in a booth 4 or 5 tables away from the nearest patron. I got up to get a napkin and the guy sitting by the condiment counter decided that by me getting a napkin, this was some form of invitation to start a conversation with me. At first I thought he was being amusing.

Him:  “they really guard those things don’t they”

Me: <acknowledging laugh>

I sat back down thinking this was the end. NOOOOOOO. He proceeded to regale me with the entire history of fast food restaurants in the northwest suburbs. There was no stopping this guy. I buried my nose in my food … kept talking. Buried my nose in my Blackberry to look like I was doing something else … kept talking. Told him I didn’t grow up around here so I don’t really have any knowledge or interest in what fast food places were in Elgin in the early 70’s ( btw I was in Carpentersville for all this) … KEPT TALKING! It was so bad I didn’t even finish all of my food and left. As I left, he said “have a good day sir”. I said “you too”. That is why EVERY fast food place should be like Sonic.

I think I actually have some fun stuff, or at least mildly amusing stuff, for Techtainment Tuesday so until next time remember … There’s a man who lives a life of danger and to everyone he meets … he stays a stranger … so, Sundown … ya better take care if I find you been creepin’ ‘round my back stairs.

I’m BA-ACK!

The reports of the death of my blog have been greatly exaggerated. However, the reports of the deaths of a handful of celebrities last month were not. I know I have been away for a while. I had to avoid the internet because of that soccer thing that is all over the internet. I personally do not think this soccer craze will last. I feel it is a passing fad that will burn out. I mean come on, it is on ALL THE TIME right now. People are going to get sick of it. They are going to get soccer burn out. I just don’t understand it. But, plenty of people seem to like it so let them have their short time in the sun. Anyhoo … back to the dead folks. I am just going to jump right into it this month as I have to get back to washing the walls so I can get ready to paint the baby’s room tomorrow.

Miss Ellie – 17 – World’s Ugliest Dog – June 1

Rue McClanahan – 76 – Golden Girl – June 3

John Wooden – 99 – Basketball Coach – June 4

Marvin Isley – 56 – Isley Brothers – June 6

Jimmy Dean – 81 – Country Singer and Sausage King – June 13

Robert Byrd – 92 – Longest Serving Senator – June 28

As you can see, not a lot of celeb deaths this month. Or I just didn’t find that many that were worthy of my blog. I promise to be back a little more often now that I have a new nephew, will be doing baby room decorating, and just a bunch of other stuff that I might be writing about.

Until next time remember …  Football been berry berry good to me.