American Idol … The Circus Is Coming To Town

I know, I know. It shocks me as well that I am writing about American Idol. Honestly, I could care less about who wins or loses. I will admit that I sit with my wife and watch most nights. Mainly because I am too lazy to go upstairs and watch something else. The other reason is Jackie usually wants to watch whatever show it is that I would go and watch in another room so … I would have to watch twice. There are some nights I go and pay bills, or clean the kitchen or something else, but mostly I sit and suffer through.

This season seemed particularly painful. The singing was not at all great by any means. Ellen was amusing as a judge but Cougar Kara is insufferable, Simon has lost his edge in his last season and even the most illiterate offenders on COPS can start their excuses in more than three ways i.e. “Dog”, “Ok, listen” or “Yo Yo Yo”.

Then … there is the host. If anyone was to ever don a douche cape (thank you Joel McHale) it is Ryan Seacrest. I know that a douche cape is something totally different than how I am using it here, but Ryan is the PERFECT example of douche, so it seems fitting. This season he seems to have taken on about 50% of Paula Abdul’s bizarre personality. He touches EVERYONE, even the male contestants in that creepy way, making you feel you are watching a younger version of Herbert from Family Guy. He also just says some of the stupidest things, making for some of the most awkward moments I have seen on television since the very first Funniest Home Video of someone getting hit in the groin with a wiffle bat. I can’t say that Brian Dunkleman would have been a better host … yes I can. He at least owns a home and doesn’t live in a tree making cookies and crackers in his spare time. It is true that Ryan has gotten a lot of jobs because of this and that is the bad thing. I hated it when I saw him on my box of Lucky Charms. (I know I am probably stealing these jokes from somewhere … but they are all so true and SO funny!)

I think I got a little off topic there. Now that the 13 year olds of America have voted the final three into history, we are faced with the next Idol issue. The home town visits of the finalists. Idol makes a big deal out of “the contestants get to go home!” What they fail to mention is that it is at the tax payer’s expense. I was reading in the paper all week about the plans for Lee Dewyze’s homecoming. I also read about how they had to figure out how to pay for it. Maybe I missed something. I don’t think Idol pays the villages of Mt. Prospect and Arlington Heights for the services that are going to be used. I am pretty sure that Arlington Park Race Track doesn’t come cheap to rent out for an afternoon especially when they are changing the racing schedule to accommodate. Does anyone really think that the gamblers who sit at Trackside everyday give a rat’s ass about American Idol or even know who Lee Dewyze is? All they know is that they have to crawl into the bar a few hours earlier to lose their money that day.

Fortunately for me, I don’t have to go anywhere near Rt. 14 through that part of Chicagoland on Friday. When the president comes to town there isn’t this much traffic disruption. Yes the roads get closed but the streets aren’t lines by thousands of non-tax paying, screaming 13 year olds.

You may think that I am bitter. I am not. I really don’t care one way or another. If I missed every episode of Idol I would be fine. My world wouldn’t end. I have never cried watching any of the performances … except maybe from the pain I felt when Sihoban screeched those high notes. Some of the performances have been good. Most have been bad. I have heard better karaoke. I have seen better performances from people who have never been on Idol. (Wojdyla and MDR). But I am digressing again. American Idol is coming to town. We all have to pay for it, even if we don’t know who’s socks the mama is wearing or we don’t care why Casey has a constant smile as if he is hiding something. Maybe he and Kara are having an affair like Paula allegedly did seasons ago.

Jackie has always thought it would be cool to be on American Idol. I have thought … why? I don’t think I would want to be on there. For one, the rumors of the B.S. they put the contestants through. For another reason, I am not really sure I trust their stylists. I think I would end up with a Sanjaya hairdo and then end up in the Costa Rican jungle screaming “I had 15 minutes of fame … get me away from Speidi!!!” I also don’t think I could stomach being on that show because of the Ford commerc … I mean “music videos” that they are forced to make. With all of the problems that Detroit is facing, they honestly think that having an effeminate, elfin, reality host who stole his teeth from Martha Rae, push a Ford Fiesta is the way to save sales? I mean come on … a Fiesta?!?!?! Get people to watch and give away a Mustang or something. And what the hell is “Idol Inspired”? Does that mean that slowly over a number of weeks parts will fall off and at least once a week it will scream in blood curdling tones. I had some funnier things about the Ford Fiesta last night but forgot them due to lack of sleep from the storms that rolled through.

I am pretty sure that by this point I have totally forgotten the main topic I wanted to write about. I think I have changed the title of this post 4 times while I have been writing as my focus has changed. Anyway, there is good news and bad news. Good news, Idol is only on for 2 more weeks. Bad news, So You Think You Can Dance starts right after that. Thank god for Gordon Ramsey and Hell’s Kitchen coming back to keep things in perspective.

That’s it for now, until next time remember … “The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death pop star wannabes.”

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4 Responses to “American Idol … The Circus Is Coming To Town”

  1. I hate ALL the shows you mentioned (except Family Guy), but Herbert is hysssterical!!

  2. Abby Gengozian Says:

    Yes, you ripped off more than one joke from Joel McHale in this rant. But hilarious as always. So you’re going to see Lee while he’s there, right? 😉

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