I Want To Quit But I Just Can’t

Welcome my friends to Techtainment Tuesday. I hope you all can still read this as I have recently installed 4,687 different privacy options to my blog and I can’t remember who I have blocked, and who I have sent 400 meaningless Farmyo Wars invites to.

Much has been made about Facebook’s privacy setting lately. For me, I always go in and have my Facebook as private as I can get it. My wife, not so much. She basically can be found by just about anyone I think. I haven’t googled her lately so I can’t be sure. Maybe I will google her tonight. (is that double entendre enough for you Sybil?) Anyway, they are saying that they are going to simplify their privacy options starting tomorrow night. That is not really saying much considering what they currently are. It is like Einstein saying he is going to simplify the Theory of relativity from the grave. (I don’t know what that means either.) Anyhoo … I, along with thousands, neigh millions of others, have toyed with the idea of ending my relationship with facebook. I just can’t do it though.

Deleting my Facebook account would, in reality, be no major loss. I really don’t use it that much compared to most other people I know. Yes, I have used it to re-connect with some old friends, which is nice. I have been able to congratulate, as well as get congratulated, on some major events. I have also been able to stay informed on some entertainment options that may or may not interest me. I have been able to use it to pimp my blog. There have also been the drawbacks.

I have been one of those annoying people who protested against all the notifications from the games on Facebook. I have close to 100 (if not more) various applications blocked from accessing my information. I have unfortunately had to hide people on occasion because they are addicted like crack to Facebook and post WAY to much information that I don’t have time to read or just don’t care that they are doing their nails or going to get the mail. I have had to remove a number of things from my profile and pages because I don’t want Yuri in Kazakhstan to know that I had a piece of Leg Lamp flair on my wall or that I am a fan of B.J. and the Bear.

I wish I could quit Facebook outright. It would simplify my life. It would be one less thing I would have to deal with on a daily basis. I just can’t. Quitting Facebook these days would be akin to refusing to use Microsoft Office and only using Word Perfect and Quattro Pro (yes they still exist).

If I quit Facebook, I would never get invited to a party again. It seems that everyone who used to use evites, is now using Facebook. I am guilty of this as well. I would also never be able to see pictures of various events since most people use Facebook as their main posting place. I have a twitter account but, as many others reason, why make someone go to many different places when Facebook can do it all. The other reason I can’t leave … like Stewie Griffin … I don’t like change. It took me a long time to get on Facebook to begin with, and that was only due to a job requirement at the time. If I left now, I would have a void of communication choices.

A few of us at work have talked about Facebook and its growth from a marketing standpoint. We are convinced that it has grown so fast because of the economy. That if we weren’t in such a downturn, where everyone is trying to get their names out there for free, that it wouldn’t be as big as it is right now. I have predicted that Facebook will go the way of MySpace within a year and a half or so. By that I mean that it will be in decline, and it will be looked at as the “also ran”. MySpace will eventually just disappear or be bought by Facebook while Facebook is still popular. One of my esteemed colleagues has actually predicted that Facebook will be largely “out of favour” in as little as 6 months. I hope this is not the case. I have decided I am going to try to jump hard onto Facebook and really try to make it my bitch.

Everyone seems to be creating a fan page, or a “get Big Bird to host the adult film awards” page. It doesn’t mater if you are an aged comedienne or a pickle, people are setting up pages for just about everything. The crazy thing about all these pages … THEY WORK! They work just by sheer craziness of concept. So, I have decided that I am going to do the same thing. I am going to use Facebook and see if I can’t create a social buzz of my own and see what comes of it. It will probably flop like Bob Dole before Viagra but it is worth trying. If it works, I will be all smug. If it fails I will say it was just a social experiment. Once I finalize everything and get the page all set up, I will post it here. It may be as early as tomorrow since Idol is on tonight and I really don’t care about that much. I might also do some cleaning tonight so maybe a few days … I am digressing again. In other words, tune in soon to see what crazy high jinx I come up with! Until then, if you want to follow me on Facebook click below. I think you have to be signed into Facebook. Another privacy thing.

Bob Richardson

I know, counter to what I am talking about but what the hell.

That’s all for today … I think … I really lost my place half way through. So, until next time … “I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don’t want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people”

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Recall-A-Palooza

Warning: The blog you are now reading has been recalled by 7 consumer groups, 14 human rights consortiums, 4 scientists with PhDs in the study heavy metal poisoning and 3 grandmothers from Oklahoma. That sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? Of course it does. The truth however, is that everyone is causing some sort of recall for some product for some reason.

The latest victim, poor teenage exotic dancer Miley Cyrus. It seems that her line of jewelry is toxic to young children. Amusingly enough, a quote from her reps said something to the effect of “Her line of jewelry is aimed and marketed toward older women”. You know, the kind that watch her youtube videos to learn how to dirty dance for their men.

Of course that is just the latest in a long line of recent product recalls for one reason or another. Cribs, food, cars … nothing escapes the watchful eyes of government. Most times I am glad that things are recalled. Miley’s jewelry contains toxic metals. Good recall. Cars accelerate uncontrollably and can’t break. Good recall. Food that has e-coli. GOOD RECALL! Toy foam dart guns recalled because a 9 and 10 year old choked on the darts because they were chewing on them. REALLY?! I personally stopped chewing on my toys a good 35 years ago at least. (that means I was around 5 or 6) Why is a 10 year old swallowing and chewing on their toys? Where are the parents??? Why does EVERYTHING that happens to children have to be the fault of the manufacturer or the retailer of the product? Do parents not take ANY responsibility anymore?

So I am not a parent … yet. But I am going to be and I can’t imagine myself blaming everything on someone else. I know that there will be times we can’t have our eyes on our kids 100% of the time. I know they will get hurt through no fault of our own because kids are kids, they get sick, they get hurt. However, I sincerely hope that I am not so paranoid or so, whatever … that I blame McDonalds’ for my kids being fat, Sony and Nintendo for them being lazy, and Apple iPod for them being hard of hearing. I hope that I am able to man up and take the blame for feeding my kids Big Macs the first 4 years of their lives, putting the Wii in their crib and shoving the ear buds into their heads with the volume maxed out. Sorry for that little rant … I have been watching too much COPS lately.

Back to the recalls. Sure, there are things that should and will be recalled, but not every little thing that is wrong with something needs to trigger a complete recall. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for safety, but let’s be prudent about this. These things cost companies tons of money, which could be pouring back into the economy. Plus, not everything is as dangerous as today’s “absentee” parents think it is. I grew up with toys that had small pieces, and toys that shot things, and cap guns with the old super flammable paper caps (those were so awesome when you dropped a big rock on a whole box) and I turned out fine. Mostly. I remember the size of my little people toys … with the airport or the farm … were pretty small. Now, they are huge. I personally think that the toys with lots of small part were safer. If you swallowed them they would for the most part pass right through you. Now, everything is so big that it HAS to have a choking hazard warning on it. Nothing can be swallowed anymore. If it is small enough to be swallowed, and you are worried about your child choking or swallowing it … here is a hint … DON”T GIVE IT TO THEM! Don’t give it to them, let your child choke on it and then sue the company and get some poor toy designer fired because of your parental ineptitude.

I know there are a lot of parents reading this and thinking, “jack ass … just wait … you’ll see”. You know what, if I am wrong I am wrong. I probably won’t admit it though so don’t hold your breath. I just feel that society needs to wake up and take responsibility. The parent’s that bitch about all these safety concerns make it real freaking hard for immature adults like myself, to buy real cool toys for themselves. Do you know how hard it is to find a mint condition Cylon Raider ship that actually fires the spring loaded missiles? It isn’t easy. Incidentally if anyone has one or knows of one that someone wants to sell, I would be very interested but it has to have the pilot, and missiles that actually fire. Once again I digress.

Again I have wandered off my original topic but not so far this time. I am sure today has shown why I myself need to be recalled. I hopefully have offended very few, but I don’t mind if I pissed off many, after all, I can blame the voices in my brain. Man that was corny as all hell…

Anyway, until next time remember … “Relax, you’ll live longer”

It’s Never As Good As You Hope

Welcome to Techtainment Tuesday everyone, the shortest running and most incoherent column about tech and entertainment on the web that you don’t need 3D glasses to read. Last week we left our hero dangling from the magazine rack at the local 7-11, patiently waiting for the 3D edition of Playboy to hit the stands. Friday came and went. The issue hit the stands. I thought that being such a novelty that this particular issue would have sold out fast and been gone for a while, unattainable to the casual research shopper. BOY was I wrong.

It took me until Monday to get around to picking up this potential technological master … piece. I stopped at a local purveyor of adult entertainment … a 7-11 on my way home from work, fully expecting them to be long sold out. I figured this would be the case even more, since the store I stopped at is in a part of town that you would expect them to sell out quickly. They had a full rack (sooo totally pun intended) of them. So, I grabbed a bottle of coke, small bag of Funyuns, Butterfingers, pack of gum, $5 in Lotto tickets, (didn’t want them to think I was there just for the magazine after all) went to the counter and when they asked “is this all sir” I said “and oh yeah…why don’t you give me one of those 3D Playboys too … for research of course.” He looked at me a little weird when I said the research part but what do I care.

I resisted the temptation to open the hermetically sealed publication as soon as I got to my car. I headed off to the grocery store. When I got there, I took it out of the bag and prominently displayed it on the dash of my car. I thought the old folks  from Sun City that were at the Jewel that afternoon would get a kick out of it. I am starting to digress.

Later that evening I decided it was time. I tried for 2 min to pull open the plastic bag that holds the magazine. They sure don’t want you to get in there easily. Finally I cut open the bag and let all of the subscription cards fall onto the floor. There was really only one thing I was looking for at first of course, the 3D centerfold. I went to the normal centerfold area (I assume that they are always at the middle right? I am not that familiar with the magazine) and was a little disappointed to see just your every day normal naked centerfold. I closed it and looked at the cover. “Including bonus 3D centerfold”. Hmmm.

I looked the centerfold over for a moment, and then realized it was not the same one as on the cover. Upon further research I found the 3D glasses. They were sponsored. By True Blood. There was a True Blood print ad in 3D in the back of the magazine. That ad folded out to be the 3D model. I put the glasses on, held the centerfold out. It was a centerfold in basic red/blue 3D. I have to admit, I wasn’t all that impressed. It was one picture and she was naked in a sideways pose. It wasn’t even like anything was jumping out at you. She just looked like she was in front of the bookshelf or whatever furniture was there.

I haven’t read the rest of the magazine yet, I flipped through looking at the little cartoons on the various pages, even those were lacking in some respect. I might read the articles except one is with some right wing radio guy and the other is 20 Q with Russel Brand. Good thing I was actually buying it for the naked ladies this time. Not really the 2 interviews that would be at the top of my reading list. Overall I think I have to give the 3D playboy centerfold 1 ½ stars. It was cool but, not THAT cool. I hope the other parts of the magazine are better so that I don’t feel I totally wasted my money.

But still related to technology, we had our 20 week ultrasound today. Initial indications are that the baby is a girl … as I have predicted all along. The reason I say initially, is that the ultrasound tech really didn’t seem like she was in the game today. I can’t blame her fully, it seemed as it was a bad morning in the office, but still, she could have been a little more thorough explaining things to us and not asking “Wanna know what it is?” in a “why do I have to be here all day” attitude. We will be getting the fancy futuristic looking ultrasounds so we will find out more definitive then.

That’s all for today campers. Tune in next week, same tech time, same tainment channel for another exciting episode of Techtainment Tuesday. Until then remember … “I’m a 3D boat captain”

American Idol … The Circus Is Coming To Town

I know, I know. It shocks me as well that I am writing about American Idol. Honestly, I could care less about who wins or loses. I will admit that I sit with my wife and watch most nights. Mainly because I am too lazy to go upstairs and watch something else. The other reason is Jackie usually wants to watch whatever show it is that I would go and watch in another room so … I would have to watch twice. There are some nights I go and pay bills, or clean the kitchen or something else, but mostly I sit and suffer through.

This season seemed particularly painful. The singing was not at all great by any means. Ellen was amusing as a judge but Cougar Kara is insufferable, Simon has lost his edge in his last season and even the most illiterate offenders on COPS can start their excuses in more than three ways i.e. “Dog”, “Ok, listen” or “Yo Yo Yo”.

Then … there is the host. If anyone was to ever don a douche cape (thank you Joel McHale) it is Ryan Seacrest. I know that a douche cape is something totally different than how I am using it here, but Ryan is the PERFECT example of douche, so it seems fitting. This season he seems to have taken on about 50% of Paula Abdul’s bizarre personality. He touches EVERYONE, even the male contestants in that creepy way, making you feel you are watching a younger version of Herbert from Family Guy. He also just says some of the stupidest things, making for some of the most awkward moments I have seen on television since the very first Funniest Home Video of someone getting hit in the groin with a wiffle bat. I can’t say that Brian Dunkleman would have been a better host … yes I can. He at least owns a home and doesn’t live in a tree making cookies and crackers in his spare time. It is true that Ryan has gotten a lot of jobs because of this and that is the bad thing. I hated it when I saw him on my box of Lucky Charms. (I know I am probably stealing these jokes from somewhere … but they are all so true and SO funny!)

I think I got a little off topic there. Now that the 13 year olds of America have voted the final three into history, we are faced with the next Idol issue. The home town visits of the finalists. Idol makes a big deal out of “the contestants get to go home!” What they fail to mention is that it is at the tax payer’s expense. I was reading in the paper all week about the plans for Lee Dewyze’s homecoming. I also read about how they had to figure out how to pay for it. Maybe I missed something. I don’t think Idol pays the villages of Mt. Prospect and Arlington Heights for the services that are going to be used. I am pretty sure that Arlington Park Race Track doesn’t come cheap to rent out for an afternoon especially when they are changing the racing schedule to accommodate. Does anyone really think that the gamblers who sit at Trackside everyday give a rat’s ass about American Idol or even know who Lee Dewyze is? All they know is that they have to crawl into the bar a few hours earlier to lose their money that day.

Fortunately for me, I don’t have to go anywhere near Rt. 14 through that part of Chicagoland on Friday. When the president comes to town there isn’t this much traffic disruption. Yes the roads get closed but the streets aren’t lines by thousands of non-tax paying, screaming 13 year olds.

You may think that I am bitter. I am not. I really don’t care one way or another. If I missed every episode of Idol I would be fine. My world wouldn’t end. I have never cried watching any of the performances … except maybe from the pain I felt when Sihoban screeched those high notes. Some of the performances have been good. Most have been bad. I have heard better karaoke. I have seen better performances from people who have never been on Idol. (Wojdyla and MDR). But I am digressing again. American Idol is coming to town. We all have to pay for it, even if we don’t know who’s socks the mama is wearing or we don’t care why Casey has a constant smile as if he is hiding something. Maybe he and Kara are having an affair like Paula allegedly did seasons ago.

Jackie has always thought it would be cool to be on American Idol. I have thought … why? I don’t think I would want to be on there. For one, the rumors of the B.S. they put the contestants through. For another reason, I am not really sure I trust their stylists. I think I would end up with a Sanjaya hairdo and then end up in the Costa Rican jungle screaming “I had 15 minutes of fame … get me away from Speidi!!!” I also don’t think I could stomach being on that show because of the Ford commerc … I mean “music videos” that they are forced to make. With all of the problems that Detroit is facing, they honestly think that having an effeminate, elfin, reality host who stole his teeth from Martha Rae, push a Ford Fiesta is the way to save sales? I mean come on … a Fiesta?!?!?! Get people to watch and give away a Mustang or something. And what the hell is “Idol Inspired”? Does that mean that slowly over a number of weeks parts will fall off and at least once a week it will scream in blood curdling tones. I had some funnier things about the Ford Fiesta last night but forgot them due to lack of sleep from the storms that rolled through.

I am pretty sure that by this point I have totally forgotten the main topic I wanted to write about. I think I have changed the title of this post 4 times while I have been writing as my focus has changed. Anyway, there is good news and bad news. Good news, Idol is only on for 2 more weeks. Bad news, So You Think You Can Dance starts right after that. Thank god for Gordon Ramsey and Hell’s Kitchen coming back to keep things in perspective.

That’s it for now, until next time remember … “The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death pop star wannabes.”

BOOBIES!

What better way to celebrate Techtainment Tuesday than the combination of the most popular form of technology these days and the most popular form of entertainment of all time.

Weeks ago I wrote about a 3D relief book of nakedness. Now, a new form of 3D is coming to a news stand near you. Yes, Playboy has combined 3D with nakedness. In the issue that hits the stands Friday, the centerfold is going to be in 3D. As I understand it, the mag comes with it’s own pair of 3D glasses so you don’t have to be left in the cold. I do not know how many 3D images there are. I think it might only be the centerfold from what I have read. Not sure also how good a still image of 3D will be. I am picturing old 3D little pictures that you would get inside of a Cracker Jack’s box. Certainly hope it would be better than that. I don’t normally buy Playboy, unless they have a good interview or something of course, but I might have to get the 3D issue. Purely for research of course.

Look … Up In The Sky …

Has absolutely nothing to do with my blog actually but it grabs your attention don’t it? It could be up in the sky now that I think about it or it may not be in the sky actually. It may be in your neighbors yard. Or maybe in their garage. What in the world am I talking about? I’ll get there, I promise.

I have not gone to see the new Iron Man movie yet but I want to. I have heard mixed reviews so I am a little worried if I should spend the money or wait until it comes out on DVD and Blue-ray next month. I liked the first movie and I really liked the old cartoon as a kid. I remember the voice being done by  John Vernon (better known to most people as Dean Wormer from Animal House). I will admit I never got into the comic books but still thought the whole concept of Iron Man was pretty cool.

I can’t remember if any of my friends and I dressed up as Iron Man or not. I know we did odd things, some destructive, some not. I vaguely remember acting like super heroes. At least I do, maybe it was by myself … I was a strange child after all. Sometimes I still like to pretend I am a super hero sort of like in Mystery Men … but that is a blog for another day. What I am leading to is something I think looks like it could potentially be a lot of fun. I am not sure if I am going to have time or energy to do it since I am doing the major spring cleaning thing before my Mexican Fiesta party. I do know that some of you that read this may just have the creativity to run with this and win big. I bet you are still wondering what I am talking about. Well, it turns out that Kmart is running a pretty cool contest. You design and build your own Iron Man costume. You send in your pic of you dressed up in it and then you can win a trip to the Captain America Set in London. I am not sure that an “Iron Man the later years” would win so I think I will keep my costume making skills in check for this one. Check it out though. If anyone that reads this enters the contest and sends me their photo as well, I will send you some kind of prize. It may be Iron Man related, it may not. It could be a gift card for pizza, it could be a box of toilet seats covers. You never know what I might dig out of the prize closet. Either way, enter, have fun!

I have to mention the passing of Lena Horne. I had no clue that she was 92 years old. I can’t remember the last time I had seen her on TV but I didn’t think she was close to being that old. Maybe I am just remembering her from when I was younger and that means I am getting older. How depressing. Maybe I should get up in that Iron Man costume and feel young again!

Anyway, until next time, check out that Iron Man contest and remember … “Let’s face it, this is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”

Neither this blog or me as it’s writer was compensated in any way for pushing the Iron Man photo contest…I just think it’s cool.

Star Wars Day

Hello terra dwellers. It is me, Herman. I have hacked my hairless Wampa’s blog while he is engaged in meaningless work which has no benefit to the Empire. It does however give me time to abscond with this means of communication to utilize for my own purposes.

While reading the information dissemination you call a “Newspaper”, I ran across an article declaring this date as “Star Wars Day”. While I am sure this bears some significance to the rebel scum of this world, I assure you that as a loyal clone of the imperial army, this so called Star Wars Day is a sham. The only reason I have found that this Earth date is recognized as such is due to a quote of the archaic religion of the Jedi … “May the force be with you. “ Apparently someone with a speech impediment spoke this line and it came out “May the fourth be with you” and hence the day was christened.

I can well bet that none of my clone brethren are celebrating this day. The Jedi have been a pain in our armor for a long, long time. It is silly to rely on a dead religion. After all, there is no substitute for a good blaster at your side. Unless of course you have the awesome power of a death star at your disposal. THAT is tech which entertains all of us within the Imperial ranks.

I will be leaving shortly on a secret mission to an outpost called Mexico. I have been told there is a magical elixir called Tequila that I believe will tip the balance of power in our favor. Upon my return, I will continue my crusade of quashing any celebration of rebel influence.

My Wampa would have some entertaining quote here. I do not.

It’s That Time Of The Month

That’s right, time to update the celebrity death list. I am a few days late this month but the productive weekend was worth it! Started the long process of spring cleaning. Death to dust bunnies and a lot of other things in our house that will be meeting their sometimes untimely, but most times timely, demise. Doesn’t seem like a whole lot this month. I may have missed some but I know that the coming months look promising! So, without further mourning … here are the celebrity deaths for April 2010.

John Forsythe – 92 – Charlie – April 1

Eddie Carroll – 76 – Voice of Jiminy Cricket – April 6

Personal Ensign – 26 – Hall of Fame Thoroughbred Race Horse – April 8

Meinhardt Raabe – 94 – Coroner in the Wizard of Oz – April 9

Lech Kaczynski – 60 – President of Poland – April 10

Dixie Carter – Actress Designing Women – April 10

Mississippi Slim – 66 – Blues Singer – April 14

Alan Swift – 86 – Voice of Simon Bar Sinister – April 18

Mr. Hito – 67 – Japanese Wrestler – April 20

Elizabeth Post – 89 – Emily Post’s rand Daughter – in – Law – April 24

Peter Lopez – 60 – Michael Jackson Lawyer (suicide) – April 30

That is all for now. Until next time, remember … “You can’t be suicidal if you’re singing show tunes!”