But I Can’t Email While Driving?

The simple answer to this is “It’s illegal in Illinois.” Other than it being against the law, there are many other reasons why I personally can’t email, text or do anything else that requires massive coordination while driving.  One of them is I am just clumsy. I never have been able to text with one thumb. I can barely email with 2 thumbs on a landscape keyboard no matter if it is virtual or otherwise. If I were to attempt this while driving, or even trying to rush out a quickie during a stop light, it would come out a mash of letters and symbols that would look as if  a toddler had gotten a hold of my phone. I accept the fact that I can’t type and drive. I welcome the excuse that the new law has given me. Now, I can say “Sorry, couldn’t answer, I was driving.” If people need to get a hold of me they can call or get no response until I have arrived at my destination. I have gotten to the point that I don’t even like talking on my phone unless I am using my blue tooth. Mind you, none of this is done out of safety, it is done because I am a klutz.

I have no problem with the law of no texting or emailing while driving. Obviously I am quite fine with voluntarily adhering to this ban. I don’t even flaunt the law because, as the walking embodiment of Murphy’s Law, I WILL be the one who gets a ticket. Because of this, imaging how angry I got when the following happened. <insert wavy lines ala Wayne’s World>

Driving along Rt. 72 on my way to work. Coming up to Rt. 25 intersection. Sitting at the stop light with 3 cars in front of me. In the lane to my right, 2 cars before the light and then a cop car pulls up even with the car in front of me. My BlackBerry goes off indication a work email. I look at the phone, then the cop, the phone, the cop. Will he see if I sneak a peek? Will I get a ticket? I decide to not check the email, hoping it is nothing important. After all I don’t want to break the law. I take a sip of my beverage and then look at the car in front of me. I am a little astounded by what I see. The driver is reading the newspaper, next to a cop. I am thinking I am finally going to see some justice. This guy is flipping through sections, pulling them out, tossing them aside, blatantly holding the paper up in front of his face. I look at the cop. Nothing. Not even a scolding warning look.

The light finally turns green. I am thinking it is over with and the paper will go down. NO! This guy keeps reading the paper as we are driving down the road. AND THE COP IS STILL NEXT TO HIM! It isn’t like this guy is hiding it. He is holding the paper up in front of his face, at times totally blocking his view of the road. The cop STILL does nothing. I couldn’t pass this moron because of the cop either. Not that I think I would have wanted him behind me. At least this way he wouldn’t rear end me. This went on for about 4 miles until he turned off at another intersection. The cop … kept going.

Before I get excuses on why the cop didn’t pull him over … he was in uniform, it WAS his jurisdiction, and it was NOT a normal shift change time. Although he HAD just turned onto the road from the Dunkin’ Donuts so maybe he was just food tired. I just can’t believe that blocking your vision is legal and I can’t look to see if the text message I just got was from a relative on their way to the hospital for some reason, from my neighbors saying my house is burning to the ground or an email saying I just won 5 million dollars in the Uzbekistan national lottery. Grrr.

Speaking of reading … We just went to the Dr. to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Since we were seeing the midwife and not the Dr. and not having a major procedure done we had to wait … and wait … and wait. In the few visits that we have had so far we haven’t had to wait that long and I only had enough time to notice that most of the paintings in the office are by Georgia O’Keefe. This time I had the chance to check out the magazines in the room. The staples of Soap Opera Digest and People were there but, do people actually ever read Architectural Digest, Money and I never even heard of Dwell. Jackie says that they pick those because they are the cheapest ones on the list when kids come by to sell magazine subscriptions. Oh well. I guess I am just not classy enough to want to digest architecture.

Until next time, while your driving remember … “it’s not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn’t drunk all that cough syrup this morning.”

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Martial Law Can’t Be Far Away

The year … 1987. The place … Detroit. The people … Omni Consumer Products. The world has gone to hell and there is only one person that can put a lid on crime. Robocop.

We all know the movie. We all know the bad sequels. We all know that it is a futuristic view of what rampant crime can do to a city. Impossible for it to REALLY happen right?

The year … 2010. The place … Chicago. The people … The Illinois National Guard. The world is going to hell and only one group can help put a lid on crime. The Military. This is what is being proposed to happen in Chicago. Some politicians want to bring in the National Guard to help stem the tide of crime washing over the city. Do we need to bring in the military? Will changing the uniforms of the men with guns really deter crime? I think not. There is only one answer and that is what they did nicely in RoboCop.

Sell the police force. Let some company like OCP come in. Chicago sells everything else, why not the police? I am sure that a private company can’t do any worse than Jody Weis-el. The man even looks shady. Maybe if there is a private company running the police, we can all buy stock, the company will do better, they can pay the police more and all will get better. There can be a “New” Chicago. Research can be done to make cyborg police officers Just like the movie. The future is today ladies and gentleman. Why spend state money we don’t have calling up reservists. Why let tanks run rampant through the city. That was already done in the Blues Brothers. Let’s privatize this mess. The mayor and city council would love the “dividends” they could get.

Of course I am kidding. I just wanted to call out the ridiculousness of calling in the military to police the city of Chicago. We are not a disaster area. We are not Baghdad. The people who are in charge just need to start getting their heads out of their asses and figure out the RIGHT way to fix things and not keep borrowing to pay bills. Hire more police. Don’t bring in the military. This is just one thi … hey … what the … come one now get away from the compu … OUCH!

<THUD>

Hello terra dwellers. This is Herman. I have been reading over my Wampa’s shoulder and this issue intrigues me. Your military is no match for my brethren. The only solution to crush the abundance of crime on your backwater planet is for us to rule under the leadership of our leader Norman. A clone army armed with blasters will lay waste to the crime like a … like a … like a pissed off young Jedi at a Tusken Raider encampment. Take heed criminal scum for your time in near. And yes … I am now Hooked on Phonics.

As my semi-hairless Wampa would say … Until next time remember … “Terrorism is a very tricky business. Massive and immediate retaliation is the best policy. Unfortunately… “

Herman Went Where?!?

So, I finally found out where Herman went last week. I had thought that he went to the great white north, but it seems that once again he was a little confused. It seems that he hitched a ride with a friend of mine and went to Costa Rica. In reviewing his pictures, either he didn’t know he was going to Costa Rica, or he didn’t know where it was. He wore his winter gear. I really wonder about him sometimes. I do think he knew where he was going since he mentioned something about Dinosaurs.

I also want to know what the heck he charged to my credit card! Anyway, here are some of the pics that I found. Herman Costa Rica Pics Sorry it is a link, I still have a few things to figure out to work a little better or for free.

Thanks to Kaya for ratting him out with his own camera.

Who The Hell Is Reading This?

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that people are reading my blog. What really intrigues me however is how my blog is found. I know that 100s of people are not reading my blog every day. That is ok. I have been really slacking as of late so I am not expecting that many hits. However, when I haven’t posted in 5 days, and all of a sudden there are 20 views to my blog on one day … I am curious. So, I look up to see how readers are getting to my blog. Referrers … none. I have no problem with that. Search engine terms … this is where I get a little concerned. I try to put relevant tags on my each post to my blog so that maybe, somewhere, someone might find it and read. Celebrity Deaths, or some variation are very popular search engine results on my blog. I think that is cool. That is not the highest searched term that comes to my blog though. What is the term you may ask? Anything that has to do with Grover.

“Super Grover” to be exact has come to my blog from 173 search engine results. Other variations with “Grover” in it have brought people to my blog 43 times. Is Grover REALLY that popular? Is there some bizarre Muppet resurgence I am not aware of? I am as big of a Muppet fan as anyone but I guess I need to start watching Sesame Street sooner than waiting for our soon to be little one to be old enough to watch. I am wondering if I should be a little creeped out that so many people are looking up Grover, that one person might be stalking me to see if I posted anything NEW about Grover or if I should be worried that kids are looking up Grover and finding my blog … which would not be good necessarily. All in all I guess I should be happy that my blog is being found by search engines at all.

Herman just got back from his vacation! He took off without me, claiming some B.S. about a secret mission to the northern most reaches of our planet. I think he was serious because he retrieved his Hoth uniform from storage, used my credit card for a plane ticket and then took off in the middle of the night. He looked a little too relaxed though when he got back today to have been on a world conquest campaign. I think he may have been up to no good. I swiped his camera so as soon as I can, I will get those pictures and find out what he was really up to. I will keep you all posted.

Until next time, Remember this, kids, it is very important. Even if your mommy makes you a super hero costume, do not attempt to do any of these things, especially flying. Because you cannot do it. You do not have super powers. Because there is only one Super Grover. And that is me.

The Cure Is Worse Than The Disease

Reading this blog may cause feelings of apprehension, dizziness, queasiness and the frequent urge to urinate. While reading this post, you may encounter skin rashes, rapid heart beat and in some cases genital warts, which will clear up once medication is stopped. Some people have experienced rare symptoms such as chronic breast pain (mainly in men), kidney failure and liver problems. A simple blood test is all that is needed to check for these issues. In rare circumstances, reading this blog may cause certain types of cancer including but not limited to fingernail, scrotum and ear lobe cancers. If you read this blog for any reason other than the indications on the label, you will be in violation of international blog laws and could cause death … or worse.

Of course nothing can happen if you read this blog, other than pure entertainment … most times. This blog came about because I was watching TV the other night and a commercial came on for some prescription medication. They tell you what the drug is supposed to cure, and then they tell you everything that might happen to you if you decide to take this drug. This seems to happen with all drugs these days. Too many people have sued too many companies. We never used to know ALL the side effects of some of the drugs until now. In the past we were content to listen to our doctors and take whatever drug they gave us. They told us some of the side effects and we went with what they told us.

Now, I am afraid to take anything that is out there. It seems that I have a choice of arthritis or cancer. What kind of things are in these drugs that cause cancer? Also, if I have arthritis and I am taking these drugs, I will lose my immune system and if I catch a cold … I will die. This isn’t just for arthritis, just about any disease they advertise a drug for these days, there is a cancer it causes or some other major problem that you will have just so that you don’t have frequent urges to urinate. Just don’t drink as much water all at once.

I will stick to aspirin, Advil, etc., etc. Personally I would rather have to be in a wheelchair because of arthritis, than risk getting cancer. If I have any ailment that pain is so bad I need something … I would rather have a joint …legal of course. That is just me.

Until next time remember … “There’s this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I’m his bitch!”

I Think I Am Getting Soft

Last night Jackie and I watched our recorded episode of the Deadliest Catch season premier. It is one of the few “reality” shows that I willingly watch. I am not sure if there are many people that haven’t heard that Capt. Phil Harris, one of the main characters on the show died earlier this year. They haven’t mentioned it on the show yet but watching the show, knowing what happens later in the season was really weird.

!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

I have always wanted to say that … anyway, I am sure that the show was edited together with the intent of showing as much of Captain Phil as possible, and using as much foreboding language as they could find. The first episode has a lot of Phil and the other captains talking about “making it home alive” and “living for the fishing season” and other such things. I heard Phil say something along those lines and I cringed. It was a little creepy at times.

There was also a fight between two of the other captains. Who got in the middle to break it up? Phil. Showing that he was one of the more level headed folks. The next thing was Phil and Sig swapping deck hands. Phil sent his own son to the other boat to be humbled a little. This would not have been that big of a thing, and maybe would have been even amusing except that you know that Phil wouldn’t be able to spend that time with his son. We knew it was precious time … he didn’t.

All in all it was bittersweet to see the season begin for me. I like the show, but at the same time I almost wish it wasn’t coming back so I could have had a clean break from Capt. Phil. He was and always will be my favorite on that show. Knowing that something is going to happen in the middle of the series … sucks. I got a little misty and was on the verge of being depressed the whole time we were watching.

On the other hand, Captain Sig is still selling his frozen fish products at fine store everywhere. Actually, now that I think about it, I have only seen them sold at Walmart. Fish from a discount retailer. Makes me think of Airplane every time. I’ll have the lasagna thank you very much.

Until next time …

A Simple Touch Is All It Takes

I have carelessly been shunning my posting duties these last few weeks. Been busy, been tired, been lazy most of all. I am back though in time for Techtainment Tuesday!

I have been thinking about how I can relate the following topic to a Techtainment Tuesday blog and I think it fits. Braille is a technology that was invented to let blind people read. You can find those little bumps on just about everything from Elevators to ATMs. And I am still waiting for someone to explain to me why brail is on a drive-up ATM. I know that is a common question and everyone asks it but, I want to know! But I digress. You can probably get just about any book you want in Braille. I don’t know this for sure, since I am not blind, I just assume you can. This “technology” brings “entertainment” in book form to the blind.

Where am I going with this? Well, this morning on my drive into work, I heard something about porn literature for the blind. I didn’t hear the whole story, just a few snippets but my curiosity was piqued. It is well known that Playboy published Braille versions of it’s magazines years back, but this story seemed to focus on something new. So, I looked it up. It seems what they were talking about goes beyond the Braille magazines of days gone by. The new magazine they were talking actually wasn’t a magazine at all but a book. It has 3D body parts throughout the pages. Yes, now instead of just reading about it, blind men and women can slide their fingers across various images much as was done in MASK. I think the results will be a tad more pleasurable than feeling up Rocky Dennis’ face though. I didn’t read the entire story as it was at work during my lunch hour, and some of the images were, shall we say, risqué? It did seem interesting but I wondered, if all these images are raised in some fashion to make them tactile, wouldn’t that make for a really big book? Doesn’t seem like something that could be hidden between the mattresses.

I have always wondered what is was like to try and read Braille. I touch it in the elevator  and other places when I see it. (the brail numbers you sickos) I am wondering if this book might be something that sighted people could bond over with the blind and find common ground. Touching IS a universal language after all.

While I am pushing the boundaries of political correctness … On my way home from work last night, a person in an SUV pulled up behind me. They were having, what appeared to be, a very involved discussion with someone. I thought maybe she was yelling at someone in the back seat, or on the phone. The more I watched, I am pretty convinced she was having some major turrets syndrome ticks. Her arms flailed and her head did some crazy movements too. This is the second time I have seen this behavior in someone driving. By no means am I making fun of anyone with this affliction, I am just wondering is it really safe to be driving with all of those spastic body movements?

Until next time, remember … “studies show that smoking in the shower reduces risk of fire by about a half. “

They Didn’t Just Do That!

I need to vent, complain, bitch about and otherwise condemn Fox News Chicago. Last night I was watching “24”. I know some people think his season isn’t worth watching, I still enjoy it. It was raining pretty hard and I was getting weatherbug alerts on my phone. There were no warnings going across the screen and no beeping from the national weather service. SO WHY DID FOX NEWS HAVE TO INTERUPT MY PROGRAM!!!

Amy Freeze (if that is her real name) had no reason to interrupt in the middle of the show. Had they waited about 3 minutes, they could have done their fair and balanced weather report on the commercial. Oh wait, then they wouldn’t be able to get paid for the advertising. Instead, they would rather piss off their viewers by telling them something they could have scrolled on the bottom of the screen. Oh wait, if they scrolled across the bottom of the screen that might cause them to not be able to have a moving advertisement for another show.

It really ticks me off that Fox has so many shows I like to watch. Maybe it is just Fox Chicago that has a bunch of morons. How about having some ask THEM the hard questions. Will Larry Yellen and his porn mustache answer or will they send the Jeff Goldblatt and his oddly shaped face and head after me.

I also should say their lead stories and teasers during the commercials are laughable. A “major” network news cast should not lead with the same stories as TMZ does. They can have them but, it should not be the teaser.

Ok, I am a little bitter and I obviously have issues with Fox Chicago news. Granted, my life will not end because I missed 2-3 minutes of 24. But come on, we can look out the window and see it is raining hard. I wonder how happy they would be if I interrupted their newscast with my video of me singing the Rainbow Connection.

At least they did one thing right by canceling “Sons of Tucson”. Then again, that is the network not the local. Speaking of which, NBC actually renewed “The Marriage Ref”???? Oh wait, they renewed Leno too didn’t they.

Until next time remember … “We’ve just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like “Dark Angel,” “Titus,” “Undeclared,” “Action,” “That 80’s Show,” “Wonderfalls,” “Fastlane,” “Andy Richter Controls the Universe,” “Skin,” “Girls Club,” “Cracking Up,” “The Pits,” “Firefly,” “Get Real,” “Freaky Links,” “Wanda at Large,” “Costello,” “The Lone Gunmen,” “A Minute With Stan Hooper,” “Normal, Ohio,” “Pasadena,” “Harsh Realm,” “Keen Eddie,” “The Street,” “American Embassy,” “Cedric the Entertainer,” “The Tick,” “Louie,” and “Greg the Bunny.” “

Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail

Hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity Hop and all that.

Happy Easter tomorrow/today depending on when you read this. Just wanted to make sure I got on and wished everyone happy Easter. There, I said it twice even. I really like that Kapgar mentioned dead bunnies and posted a great video you can see here.

Pretty much that is all I wanted to say today. Been a very busy couple days with shopping for my niece’s birthday which also happens to be on the same day we are celebrating Easter that I am making a pie and jell-o mold for so … I do have some (hopefully) funny ideas for upcoming posts, AND I will be moving to self hosting very, very soon so (again hopefully) there will be some cool enhancements coming once I move. I will let anyone everyone know before hand in time to change any RSS or subscriptions.

I have posted about this before, so I won’t bore you all with another tirade on movie and TV remakes. I do however, feel that after the recent apparent mistake of “Clash of the Titans”, and my fear for the upcoming “A-Team”, I need to warn the public of future plans that Hollywood has to rape the past memories that everyone has of past movies and TV shows. So maybe it isn’t me warning but I found this list at Den Of Geek of no less that 75 remakes or reboots that is very informative. Read, enjoy and beware.

Until next time remember … “these eggs are *not* to be fried. Nor are they to be roasted, toasted, or waffled.”

Death Becomes Them

It’s amazing that no celebrities died in all of March this year. APRIL FOOLS! Yeah lame but I had to throw that in. In fact there were a few notable celeb deaths this month. As it is the beginning of the month, it is my sworn duty to update everyone on who has passed. As of yet, no one who participated in the predictions has called one right yet. There are a few that I now wish I could add to the list (Dennis Hopper for one) but, that would be not fair as the year is already underway. I think I got into the wrong career. I should have been an undertaker in Hollywood. I bet they get paid a lot. Anyhoo … Dim the lights, turn on the creepy funeral home music .. ladies and gentleman, this … is Celebrity Deaths March.

Nan Martin – 82 – Mrs. Lauder on the Drew Carey Show (among other roles) – March 4

Donald Frey – 87 – Co-creator of the Ford Mustang – March 5

Mary Josephine Ray – 114 – Oldest person in U.S, second oldest in World – March 7

Corey Haim – 38 – Actor – March 10

Merlin Olsen – 69 – Football Player and FTD go-to guy – March 11

He Pingping – 21 – Chinese Dwarf, shortest man who was able to walk – March 13

Peter Graves – 83 – Actor; Mission Impossible, Airplane – March 14

Alex Chilton – 59 – Singer; The Box Tops, Big Star – March 17

Fess Parker – 85 – Actor; Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone – March 18

Robert Culp – 79 – Actor; I-Spy, Greatest American Hero – March 24

Jaime Escalante – 79 – Teacher; Inspiration for “Stand and Deliver” March 30

Speaking of Undertakers, The Undertaker is now 18-0 at Wrestlemania. Go Taker!

That’s the wrap up for this month. Tune in again next month for the latest in celebrity deaths.

Until next time remember … “Drink that potion, and you’ll never grow even one day older. Don’t drink it, and continue to watch yourself rot.”