Cougar Wars

The date: March 12, 2010. The place: A small bowling alley and bar, in a small town in northern Illinois. The time: Night. The events that you are about to read about are true. No names have been changed to protect the innocent. Other names have been made up, only because the real names were not known.

It was a Friday night like any other. Jim and Justin were set to play in a small bowling alley lounge in Huntley. Their scheduled start time was 9:30 but were there, and set up, a good 30 min early. Right then and there should have been a sign to as how the night would go.

We arrived at 9 pm and found a suitable table, close to the stage, where we could wait for our friends. Scanning the bar area, we noticed that the clientele of this particular establishment was, single, older, females. We conversed with the band, ordered some drinks and Jimmy and Justin went on stage … on time. Another omen. They were playing for about 15 – 20 min when the show began.

We had seen them sitting in the corner, stalking, waiting for the opportunity to pounce on their prey. They were not the only ones. On the other side of the bar, another pack was stalking the same prey. We think it was mainly Justin. The two groups gave each other dirty looks. They knew they were encroaching on the other’s territory. It was subtle. Then one of them walked to the stage, looked at Justin, smiled, looked at the other two and then went back to her table. This did not go unnoticed by the most observant in our party. The warning call went out by Danielle, “COUGAR WARRRRRRRS!”. It had begun.

The shots started making their way to the stage. Each time, another of the middle- aged temptresses toasted the young pair of musicians. They wanted them. “COUGAR WARRRRRS” rang out again from the other side of our table. Danielle was certain to try to keep the boys safe. Another cougar started to move in. She sat at the table in font of us. She had a profile that would make Lois Griffin jealous and pants so tight that a desert animal would give up it’s humps as to not have it’s foot anywhere near her. Although she did do a fair job of bejeweling her jeans.

More shots sent to the stage. Another cry of “COUGAR WARRRRRRS”. More laughter, more fear. Soon, the cougars were well known by all. They circled the stage like hungry animals who had not tasted the flesh of a young man in decades. Then, the unthinkable happened. Jogging suit guy. He seemed harmless. An older gentleman wearing sweat pants, and a matching pullover jogging suit top with a stylish polo underneath. Yes, sweat pants and a polo. He started hitting on the cougars, but they shunned him like a vegan at Ruth’s Chris. We think he started hitting on some of the men. Then he started dancing.

“COUGAR WARRRRRRRS” rang out again. We are not sure why, we think Danielle just likes saying it. If they did a McHenry County version of “Jersey Shore” Danielle could be our Snooki. Don’t worry, it’s ok, she isn’t Italian either. She would be Bugga.

As the night wore on, the cougars gave each other dirty looks, jogging suit man danced the night away. All was going well until a large man approximately the size of John Goodman started dirty dancing in front of the stage. He thrust, he ground, he gave us ass crack. We threw up in our mouths a little. At that point, even the cougars could stand it no more. They left. As did we.

The night lasted only a few hours. The memories … neigh, the nightmares, shall last us a lifetime.

Until next time remember … if you want to post a real cool mp3 file here, move to self hosting first so you don’t have to pay an extra $20 to do it. Sorry Bugga.


8 Responses to “Cougar Wars”

  1. You have a weird life.

    What’s that stuff about hosting MP3s?

    • Very weird indeed. Yeah, apparently on the free WordPress, if I want to have audio or video I have to pay $20 a year extra. Self hosting here I come! Soon.

  2. Cougars are degrading to seasoned bitches like me!!!! 😀

  3. COUGAR WAAAAARRRSSSSSS! I get the Snookie reference but let me just say that I would NEVER make out with The Situation, no matter how drunk i was. I would however, dance alone on the boardwalk, break the duck phone, and probably get punched by a tool. And I am ALWAYS ready to beat the beat back.

    • I would in no way make you as slutty or disgusting as Snooki. And fr the record, I only know of Snooki from the Soup so I only caught half the references you made.

  4. barnickel Says:

    1. Sorry we missed it..
    2. I need to meet Bugga. I think we would get along 🙂

    Miss ya Neighbor.. 🙂

    • Bugga is our own little bundle of entertainment. A night out is definitely not the same when she is there. I mean when she isn’t there. 🙂

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