Archive for January 1, 2010

Nostradamus ain’t got nothin’ on me

Posted in Nonsense on January 1, 2010 by Bob

Welcome to 2010 my friends! Normally people do these lists BEFORE the new year starts, but if I am going to keep to the letter of my resolutions, I need to get three posts up in 2 days so I held off on this until today.

I am not claiming to be a great prognosticator of prognosticators. I am not claiming to have powers beyond that of the everyday man. I am not claiming that I need to be investigated by Jay and Grant of Ghosthunters. I am merely saying that last night during and after the partying, I had a few visions. It may have been the vodka, it may have been the beer, it may have been the cold medicine or even what I thought was Absinth (it turned out to be melted week old Jell-O … don’t ask). All I am sure of is that I know what is going to happen in the coming year. Come December I will look back and see how many of my predictions have come true. Everyone will be astounded at my abilities. (Don’t expect too much humor here folks. It is after all New Years Day) So without further adieu …

Bob’s 20 predictions for 2010

1.     Britney Spears will stop performing and will become a professional body builder. Really not much more to go with on that one.

2.     Adam West will ACTUALLY become the mayor of a small town in Rhode Island. He will still think he is a tomato.

3.     It will be proven that Michael Jackson is alive and working at a Burger King in Oklahoma with Elvis.

4.     The “Big One” will finally hit. However, it won’t be California that will be obliterated. It will be the Jersey Shore. Unfortunately, Snooki will survive and open her own national pizza delivery chain to compete with Dominos.

5.     Jeff Dunham will become the U.S. representative to the United Nations. After one half hour address, he will offend 75% of the delegation and be deported to Canada.

6.     By mid-March I will have given up on at least half of my New Year’s resolutions.

7.     A new virus will hit the Apple world. It will focus on the iPod touch and the iPhone. When you use any “app” that you “bump” another phone to transfer information … you will get iCrabs.

8.     The long running feud between The Simpsons & Family Guy will finally end with a cross over episode in which Peter and Homer participate in an episode of “Husband Swap”.  Much hilarity ensues.

9.     Russell Brand admits that he is indeed Lady Gaga. Katy Perry reacts by saying “Adam Lambert ROCKS!”.

10.  Tiger Woods, John Gosselin and Balthazar Getty walk into a Hooters. Ok, not much of a stretch on that one.

11.  Facebook will “redesign” 234 times in 2010. A major glitch in one of the upgrades will result in people having actual animals/crops/weapons delivered to their homes whenever they rescue, adopt, birth, find or create anything in a “ville” or “war” game.

12.  Bob will realize that 20 predictions are really hard to come up with while hungover and should have cut it down to 17.

13.  The Christmas 2010 shopping season will start on April 13th.

14.  Gas will rise above $10 a gallon and we will start riding horses again. Due to needing street cleaners on a far more constant basis, unemployment will drop to 3%.

15.  The world will realize that Ryan Seacrest is an elfin hack and he will turn in his dentures and join the on-stage revival of Pee-Wee”s playhouse.

16.  There will be one full television season (broadcast and cable) without a show about vampires.

17.  Since Number 16 was a little fuzzy, the other prediction is there will be a show about rich, spoiled, teenage vampires who work in a bakery in Beverly Hills.

18.  No one will keep up with the Kardashians

19.  Hollywood will break tradition of new and original movies and do another remake. This time it will be Ishtar staring Keanu Reeves.

20.  The Cubs will win the World Series!

Once I get some more sleep I will try to come up with something a little more amusing for the next 2 posts tomorrow.

Until next time keep the bugs off your glass and the bears off your tail.

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