I’m How Old?!?

I really was hoping to have some sort of deep insight into life that I could write about as I turned 40 today. But all I keep thinking is “I am 40?” It doesn’t really feel like I am 40. People around me keep saying “You are 40?”. Apparently I don’t look like I am 40. I certainly don’t act like it much of the time. Although, there are some mornings that I wake up and definitely FEEL 40, and sometimes much older than that.

I look back and sometimes feel that I should have done something with my life by now, after 40 years I should have won the lottery right? I do have a pretty good life though, house, wife, dog, nice car, a job … sometimes, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

So, I guess what I am missing is the infinite wisdom that is supposed to come with age. I am curious as to when it is supposed to start building to infinite levels. Do I have to wait until I retire (for real)? Do I have to wait until my death bead to receive total consciousness? I hope not. What I do have is a small amount of knowledge that I have garnered from reading such powerful tomes as “All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten”, “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”, “You might be a Redneck If…” and Mad Magazine.

Aside from the great wisdom imparted to me in those books, I have figured out a few things on my own (or I heard them somewhere else and just don’t remember):

• NEVER tell co-workers you wore fishnets in the Rocky Horror Show

• NEVER tell co-workers that when you wore said fishnets, you had a nice set of gams

• Learn to grovel. In these tough economic times it could be useful.

• Unless you truly ARE 21 (and just don’t think you still are) spend the money and hire someone to do the heavy stuff. A week or two of Mac & Cheese is worth being able to move the next day…or three.

• Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. It works for Denis Leary

• Don’t walk the dog at 4 a.m. on the side of a hill wearing your wife’s flip-flops.

• Watch cartoons until the day you die. Even if they suck. (I am just trying to justify myself watching them)

• Destroy all copies of any pictures/videos of you dressed like a chip and dale dancer.

• 3 point turns are NOT a good idea

• Remember the little people, they may be wrestlers some day.

• Just use the damn reading glasses.

• The guy who wrote the alphabet song wrote everything (I just like that one)

• Don’t open the shower door to see if the Scrubbing Bubbles thing is spraying. It is.

Hopefully one day, when I am older, I will actually come up with a few pieces of advice that are actually helpful. Until that time, I will just keep posting my meager attempts at humor in the hopes my mind will stay as sharp as it is today.

I really was hoping to have some sort of deep insight into life that I could write about as I turned 40 today. But all I keep thinking is “I am 40?” It doesn’t really feel like I am 40. People around me keep saying “You are 40?”. Apparently I don’t look like I am 40. I certainly don’t act … oh wait … I said that already. DAMN!