4 more days till Christma … I mean Halloween

Sorry, I wanted to enjoy the countdown to Halloween but this past weekend I was frozen in my tracks. I can’t remember if it happened this early last year. Maybe I just blocked it out of my memory as I try to do every year.

My wife and I were walking through the local Walmart looking for a few last minute Halloween costume accoutrements. We started walking toward the Halloween section that happened to be in the same direction as the Garden Center. Halfway down the isle I saw it and froze. I sighed deeply, hung my head and told my wife I was now officially depressed. She looked at me quizzically and I told her what I had seen.

Directly ahead of me, past the sliding doors, in full view of all who walked that way … a fully lit Christmas tree. A full week BEFORE Halloween and the Christmas displays are already out. Maybe they have been out for a while already. I do not know. I try not to even think about it yet. Not only was it out that early, but I was further depressed that it was a white Christmas tree. Having a fake tree is one thing, I have one myself, (sorry to the purists but I love the pre-lit feature) but a WHITE tree that obviously looks fake?

People complain about this every year I know, but I had to get it off my chest. I am not the most religious person in the world but even I think that Christmas has become too commercial. It has lost ALL meaning of what it is supposed to be. I will argue with people that there is no such thing as a “Hallmark Holiday” anymore. Everything is “Retail Holidays”.

I am not the first to lament the fact that our fore fathers founded this country, freed themselves from oppression, tried to keep a country united through vicious civil war … all so that we could buy mattresses on their birthdays.

I shouldn’t complain too much I suppose. I work in retail, sort of, so all of the sales keep me working. I wonder if the reason holiday sales keep going down year after year is because the damn holidays start earlier and earlier. If retailers didn’t suck the money out of holiday shoppers in September, maybe they could afford to buy things in December.

I am not blaming the retailers. I understand they need to sell. I just am upset that Christmas starts earlier and earlier. When Christmas in July really is the start of the season, I am not sure what I will do. Personally, the only reason I put out decorations as early as Thanksgiving weekend, is that it is the only time I usually have to do so. Did you know that people used to not even put up their Christmas trees until Christmas Eve?

The complaint actually could extend to Halloween. I have seen Halloween decorations go up as early as the middle of September. Not Fall decorations mind you, but full blown Halloween.

I think I should read more of the book I got for my birthday “How not to become a crotchety old man”. Well, now that I got that off my chest for another year, I am off to the Home Depot to buy a 30 ft. inflatable snow globe to put on my front lawn. I think maybe I will take a day off work this week and put up all my Christmas decorations before Halloween. I bet that would confuse the neighbor kids.  Maybe I will put out a Jack Skellington Santa so there is a little Halloween.

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8 more days ’til Halloween … Halloween … Halloween … Eight more days ’til Halloween …

Anyone know how to finish that line? If not, I will fill you in later in the blog.

YES! Halloween is almost here! I must say that Halloween if one of my favorite holidays. Right behind Arbor Day and National Condom Day. But I digress.

If I had the money and time, my Halloween display would rival that of anyone in the neighborhood and even rival Tim Taylor’s Christmas display.

Aside from the decorations, the week or two before Halloween, all the horror movies start playing on TV. Unfortunately, there are a LOT of movies out there that just don’t work. I can come up with a LONG list of bad horror films, but I am not going to upset anyone by saying their favorite movie should be buried. After all, we all don’t know art, but we know what we like.

In my opinion, and it is FAR from the correct one, horror films should not just be full of graphic gore, blood and guts. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good slasher flick as much as the next person, but good HORROR is hard to find. The difference is that a slasher flick can be scary, and give nightmares to some people. But for the most part, they don’t usually stick with most people for a long time. A good horror flick will make you paranoid about things for years. It will mentally scar you in some way. It will cause you to not be able to watch that particular film alone well into adult hood. THAT, is good horror. (note from author: wedding videos of an ex-spouse do not count. Although, the Tonya Harding sex video … that might count.)

With that being said, I am not advocating that EVERY movie played at Halloween has to be that good. Some are just movies to play because they are scary, mildly scary, funny, or so BAD that they are funny. Which all leads to my “Top 10  movies that I like to watch at Halloween”. I am not going to put reasons why I like them because I don’t want to get into arguments about why they are on my list and others are not. Some I am sure will be obvious which of the above categories they fall into. I will say that # 2 and #1 I saw when I was a kid, and I still to this day can not watch them alone. I would like to know what movies you all like to watch during this time of year. I am always looking to add to my watch list.

Top 10 Movies I like to watch at Halloween

1. Exorcist

1. Amityville Horror

3. Evil Dead Series (I count these as 1. I like to watch these in the middle of the week and have an Ash Wednesday. NOT my Idea, I am blatantly stealing that from a fellow RA at Northern. Thanks Dom!)

4. Rosemary’s baby

5. The Shining

6. Psycho (Original)

7. Rocky Horror Picture Show

8. Hellraiser

9. Creepshow

10. Carnival of Souls

Oh yeah, almost forgot. If you didn’t know how to finish the lyric in the title of my blog … it is from Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. Which had nothing to do with any of the other Halloween movies, or a witch.

8 more days ’til Halloween … Halloween … Halloween … Eight more days ’til Halloween … Silver Shamrock!

And the Nobel Prize goes to …

If you thought this was going to be a political blog today, you were wrong, mostly. I will acknowledge the winning of the Nobel Peace Prize by President Obama. Congrats! I will half acknowledge the pointless rambling of his detractors (and just ignorant people in general) that are saying he shouldn’t have it because he hasn’t changed the world in a mere 9 months in office.

There, I am done with that. Just enough to get people to tune in and read. Thought it was classier than putting a headline of “RYAN SEACREST CAST IN NEW KEEBLER MOVIE”.  I am probably plagiarizing that from someone but I am keeping it because it’s funny because he is short.

Although the last week or so they have been awarding a slew of Nobel Prizes, I beg us not to forget the lowly, and far funnier Darwin Awards. Yes, that wonderful site that honors those who remove themselves from our gene pool. I am mentioning these not because they are in the news or making any extraordinary headlines, but because I had the occasion the last few nights to watch a few of my old favorite tv shows. Cops, Real Stories of the Highway Patrol, and new amusing favs, Speeders & The Smoking Gun Presents.

Yes, as a child and still into adulthood, I have always wanted to be a cop. Not for the excitement factor necessarily, but because I wanted to be justice for all the people that say “where’s a cop when you need one”. I think that is why I like these shows because those are the people being arrested … the future Darwin Award winners.  These are some of the dumbest people on the face of the planet. “Ok Ossifer, I’m gunna tell you da troof. Dat lady der, we used to be together. But know, I called y’all cuz I bought crack from her baby daddy, and he didn’t gimme no change back. See, here da crack right here.”

……………..WHAT?!?!?! It amazes me that people can be so stupid. And before anyone criticizes me for being prejudiced or anything … THAT WAS A WHITE GUY IN MASSACHUSETTS!

I would like to say they are just people acting to be on TV like on Springer, but COPS is actually one of the only shows that is “Reality” television.

The stupidity does not limit itself to the weekly law enforcement roundup. We all know people that you feel should accidentally fall from the sky deck ledge at Willis Tower. Go ahead, take a moment to think of who they are. I will enjoy a churro while you come up with your list.

That was fun wasn’t it? I bet you came up with FAR more names than you expected to. I certainly do not want to wish anyone ill will, after all that is just mean. But, would the world REALLY suffer a great loss if we didn’t have a Lindsey Lohan line of fashion?

The problem is that these people aren’t stupid once. They constantly defy logic on a daily basis and don’t realize they are doing anything wrong. They go about their everyday lives thinking that they are brilliant for letting their children ride on the top of the van in a cardboard box knowing it is safe because they attached it with a coat hanger.

……………..WHAT?!?!?!

I think we need a reality show somehow linked to the Darwin Awards. Where people are truly eliminated when they do not win the challenge of the day.

Stupid people should have ugly babies and name them Karma. That really doesn’t fit into anything I have written but I heard a derivation of that today and I think it is funny as all get out.

As you can tell, today’s blog was really nothing of great importance as I rambled on. So, until next time, I am going to go read about the ig Nobel winners, get myself a gas mask bra, and relax with a cold beer and a churro.

Until next time, remember that it is cold and flu season so get your pets spayed or neutered.

I’m How Old?!?

I really was hoping to have some sort of deep insight into life that I could write about as I turned 40 today. But all I keep thinking is “I am 40?” It doesn’t really feel like I am 40. People around me keep saying “You are 40?”. Apparently I don’t look like I am 40. I certainly don’t act like it much of the time. Although, there are some mornings that I wake up and definitely FEEL 40, and sometimes much older than that.

I look back and sometimes feel that I should have done something with my life by now, after 40 years I should have won the lottery right? I do have a pretty good life though, house, wife, dog, nice car, a job … sometimes, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

So, I guess what I am missing is the infinite wisdom that is supposed to come with age. I am curious as to when it is supposed to start building to infinite levels. Do I have to wait until I retire (for real)? Do I have to wait until my death bead to receive total consciousness? I hope not. What I do have is a small amount of knowledge that I have garnered from reading such powerful tomes as “All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten”, “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”, “You might be a Redneck If…” and Mad Magazine.

Aside from the great wisdom imparted to me in those books, I have figured out a few things on my own (or I heard them somewhere else and just don’t remember):

• NEVER tell co-workers you wore fishnets in the Rocky Horror Show

• NEVER tell co-workers that when you wore said fishnets, you had a nice set of gams

• Learn to grovel. In these tough economic times it could be useful.

• Unless you truly ARE 21 (and just don’t think you still are) spend the money and hire someone to do the heavy stuff. A week or two of Mac & Cheese is worth being able to move the next day…or three.

• Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. It works for Denis Leary

• Don’t walk the dog at 4 a.m. on the side of a hill wearing your wife’s flip-flops.

• Watch cartoons until the day you die. Even if they suck. (I am just trying to justify myself watching them)

• Destroy all copies of any pictures/videos of you dressed like a chip and dale dancer.

• 3 point turns are NOT a good idea

• Remember the little people, they may be wrestlers some day.

• Just use the damn reading glasses.

• The guy who wrote the alphabet song wrote everything (I just like that one)

• Don’t open the shower door to see if the Scrubbing Bubbles thing is spraying. It is.

Hopefully one day, when I am older, I will actually come up with a few pieces of advice that are actually helpful. Until that time, I will just keep posting my meager attempts at humor in the hopes my mind will stay as sharp as it is today.

I really was hoping to have some sort of deep insight into life that I could write about as I turned 40 today. But all I keep thinking is “I am 40?” It doesn’t really feel like I am 40. People around me keep saying “You are 40?”. Apparently I don’t look like I am 40. I certainly don’t act … oh wait … I said that already. DAMN!