Archive for August, 2009

Some things should never be back in style

Posted in Nonsense on August 11, 2009 by Bob

I was in High School in the heart of the 80’s. We identified with the Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science and the like. We also were in the unfortunate position to be in the middle of the 80’s fashion fiasco. Big hair, zippers on our jackets, lizards on our shirts, neon … you get the idea. Everyone was happy when the layered look finally disappeared. Since then I have heard that the 80’s style of fashion is one that WILL NOT come back ever again as other looks have. The decade of decadence just would not recycle it’s fashion mishaps to a new generation of teens who think “gag me with a spoon” is some form of auto erotic asphyxiation.

Lately however, I feel the 80’s are creeping back. I have seen a lot of teens lately wearing bright neon colors in huge lettering on their shirts. (I even asked my wife if I could pull out my old “Frankie Says Relax” shirt so I could fit in better. I was told no. Which made me certain she wouldn’t let me wear parachute pants to the family reunion). I have seen some really big hair on occasion as well, although that could just be because of where I live. There are many a wrist with multiple rubber bracelets on them, bringing back memories of Jelly Bracelets. Although now the rubber bracelets have positive affirmations on them instead of signifying, by color, what sex acts you are willing to perform and how easy you are.

Leg Warmers are being sold at Target, Hoop Earrings are as large as ever, and Ocean Pacific is being heavily advertised again as OP. There is one fashion that I had hoped not to see again. Unfortunately, I witnessed it last night. It was during the intermission of a musical performance in Arlington Heights. I was in line to get myself a frosty beverage, and in front of me were not one, but two offenders. Two middle aged men, pink polos, plaid shorts and on their feet … Topsiders with no socks.

I was never a fan of the Topsider. Growing up the people that wore them acted as if they were better than you because they were wearing shoes made to wear on a boat. I could get past that part, but I could not get past the no socks. Any semi-intelligent person knows that feet sweat. The same person would also know that leather is not the most breathable or absorbent material that one could make shoes out of. What do you get when you combine feet, sweat and leather … you guessed it … an odor that somewhat resembles a combination of rotten moldy cheese with a little bit of rancid beef thrown in for good measure.

Every year from probably junior high though high school, from May through September, many of us had to deal with what has been listed in the Urban Dictionary as Sperry Foot. (Sperry being the maker of Topsiders). To me, it is likened to the person that grows up on a farm and moved to the city. When they drive back out to the country, the smell of freshly fertilized fields brings back fond memories of their youth. The smell of sweaty Topsiders feet does not ring that fondly with me. I never wore Topsiders. I knew that I would have to wear them without socks, and like Cleveland from Family Guy, I too know the harsh sting of “embarrassing foot odor”. What I think added to the dislike were the guys that took them off under their desk during class and let that wonderful aroma waft through the classroom. Pardon me, I think I just threw up a little.

But I digress, I was promised that 80s fashions would not return. I threw out my piano tie, Jean Jacket and Swatch Watch. I got rid of my 80’s style hair cut and stopped watching reruns of Miami Vice. I even started listening to music that was released after 1995. I have put my collar down and only on rare occasions bring my Trapper Keeper to work with me anymore. Please, do not tell me that I have to buy replacements for all of these things. I hope I am old enough that unlike the 2 men in front of me last night, I can avoid having to dress like that again and keep my feet from smelling like a month old Whopper left in the sun.

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